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The Mother's Day pow wow we attended was so bad ass! Got to try gator nuggets and fry bread tacos, watched a ton of dancing, and shopped the booths. I ended up leaving with coyote claw earrings because I've always had a strong pull to the coyote. Such a great day.

#experience list

I'm in love with my ex. He's married now. Dammit.

Date me instead.

It feels really weird to be on here again.

so-young-yet-so-cynical

Anonymously send me anything on your mind

#meaf

I'M ALIVE.

#act like you care

Today was full of Chipotle (I got my free burrito!), cookies, H&M, Lush, and the Disney store. Total blast with the littles and Mike who spoils us so. Mylo got the hamburger shirt + boxers, Auggie got the superhero shirt, and I got a desperately needed facial cleanser. Surprisingly the kids didn't want anything from the Disney store; they instead wanted to sit and color with Dad while I browsed around, eyeing things to get for our vacation this summer. Super happy day (if you don't count Auggie's current tantrum). 🌞

#mumblr #life

It snowed today. I always feel better after I see him.

It's midnight and I think the babes are FINALLY asleep. They're sharing a bed for the first time tonight, which they both loved (no fighting whatsoever!), but they stayed up waaaay too late. I'm hoping they'll get better at this. Also, I made the BEST dinner tonight. We had creamy chicken and rice soup with French bread, sautéed string beans and asparagus, Amish potatoes, and roasted brussel sprouts. My tum was so full after just a little of each, though I can hear Mike still eating in the living room. I was too tired for Netflix, though. Our weekend (Tuesday and Wednesday are the days Babe has off) plans look something like -Therapy -Visiting the cemetery -Getting Mylo a haircut -Ordering a bag (yes, I still have that obsession) -Maybe visiting an indoor play area for the kids? More on that later. Goodnight. ♡

Update: Where We've Been and What Mental Illness Looks Like

To preface, I've answered some questions on my side blog - @domesticgrrrl. *TRIGGER WARNING* I think it was around August that I last stopped posting. My life was in shambles. Mike and I were talking about divorce, and I was having to figure out what the hell to do since I had no driver's license, car, or money of my own. I didn't have my parents in my life, but I could have reached out to my dad. I was so ashamed and embarrassed of my failure, however, that I figured a woman's shelter would be better for my dignity. Somehow, someway, Michael and I managed to work it out. We decided that our kids deserved better, that we deserved better, than to just give up and call it quits. Though, there was relief from that, I felt terrible. I internalized the parental estrangement with my mother and her parents as me being a horrible daughter and granddaughter. A beast within me grew and grew, taking my self confidence and destroying it. I grew depressed. I'd stay in bed for days with migraines caused from a pseudo tumor, hating everything about myself. By October, I was done. On the way home from the park, I decided that it was time to kill myself. We went home, and Mike started making dinner for the kids while I looked for sharp objects in the back of the house as discretely as possible. There was blood letting. Luckily, Mike came to check on me pretty soon and found me bleeding all over the bathroom. When he asked me what the hell I was doing, I shut down. An ambulance was called, and I barely spoke for the next 14 hours. When Mike came to visit me in the ER, I confessed that I was terrified that the doctors were going to lock me in a closet and never let me out again; I had become completely irrational and psychotic. I was placed in a behavioral health hospital for 10 days where I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder with psychotic features, PTSD, and generalized anxiety. I left with 7 different types of medications. Two weeks later I was back in the ER for a drug overdose. Again, I was placed in a (much better) behavioral health hospital. This time I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and given a medication adjustment. I stayed for about a week, then was released. Within 24 hours of being free, I was in the hospital again for an overdose that lead me to be put on life support for a few days. I went to another behavioral hospital, was given more medication, and upon release I was put into PHP (partial hospitalization program), which basically meant I came back 5 times a week and stayed from 9-3 doing therapy. The type of therapy I was in feel wrong, however. We were told to explain how we felt during our traumatic events, but never to explain them (so that we didn't trigger anyone). I spent a lot of time thinking about my traumas, but never working through it and so my PTSD flared worse than ever before. One of my last days at the program, I collapsed in front of the entire cafeteria and shook uncontrollably, then had a severe panic attack. These tremor attacks continued through the weekend with one causing me to faint for several minutes. Mike told me to stay home a few days until we could get the attacks under control and see my physician. It was determined that one of the medications I was on was messing with my blood pressure, and that's why I had lost consciousness. The full body shaking and tremors where from the PTSD; my therapist from the program called me on the day of my doctor's appointment to tell me that I had been dropped from the program because "I seemed to be doing well enough." My husband was outraged and I, again, felt like a failure. At this point, we knew that I was incredibly ill, so Mike found borderline/trauma therapists and set up appointments with a few. The first one I met with was so amazing that I had him cancel the other appointments; her and I have been working together since November and I love her dearly. He also set up an appointment with a psychiatrist for me, and like the therapist, I instantly adored her. Unlike any psychiatrist I've met with, she sits with me and talks about what I'm going through with so much empathy that I end up crying. We got through November, then December I threw myself into all things Christmas. I played Christmas carols constantly, decorated the tree and baked cookies with Mylo, and planned little festive and family adventures. I wasn't happy, but I had more energy to get out of bed and do things for my kids than I had in nearly 8 months. A few days before the holiday, my therapist left the country for a 2 or 3 week vacation, and warned me that I was at a high risk for suicide because of my energy levels and gave me a number to one of the therapist's rhat she worked with in case I went into crisis. I brushed her off and thought that I'd be fine. The day after Christmas, Michael found me laying on the couch from my third overdose, fourth attempt. I had taken so many pills, that my body was toxic for two days and I was teetering on the edge of liver failure. After I recovered physically, I was placed in the behavioral health hospital where I had been diagnosed with borderline the first time. The major depressive disorder was removed from my chart and bipolar type two was put in place of it. That made a total of four mental illnesses. One personality disorder, one mood disorder, and two panic disorders. The psychosis I experience is a side effect of my PTSD. It's also advised that I don't drive a car because of the tremors, which is fine because the anxiety is too high for me to want to anyway. It's all intertwined, like a huge knot of yarn. Anyway. During this particular hospital visit, my doctors, nurses, and case workers made sure to pay special attention to me and how to get me out into the world safely. We made an extensive crisis plan, but what really drilled it into my head was a visit with Michael. For the first time since my suicide attempts started, he broke down and lost it, begging me to stop, telling me that I was enough and that he couldn't stand for the kids to go through losing me. He asked me not to leave him, and that I was the best part of him. Throughout the last several months, this hadn't occurred to me once. I was so ill that I never saw my death as a traumatizing experience for my family, but instead the freedom to get away from me. It was like I was doing them a favor. In my mind, it was in their best interest that I die. Yet, there my husband sat weeping, clutching me to him. I realized that what my mind was telling me was so, so wrong and I fully opened myself to recovery for the first time. I was released after a week and a half, ready to start my life over. Everyone always says that recovery isn't a straight line, it's full of loops and sharp turns, but I was prepared for that. Four days after my release, my father died unexpectedly, too quickly for me to see him one last time. Tomorrow marks a month since his death. Some days it still doesn't feel real, others it hurts so deeply that I can't breathe. I spent weeks furious at my mother for alienating him from me as a child, others of me hating myself for not reaching out sooner. He was the one parent that truly loved me, and I know he would have supported me throughout my struggles, but I also know he would have worried himself sick, maybe even blamed himself. I had kept distance so I could become more stable, then I was going to reach out for him, but then he was gone so suddenly. My stepmother buried him without my brother and I. We weren't mentioned on the obituary online. I had to find his grave (without a tombstone still) by myself in a huge national cemetery. Losing him has been one of the hardest things I've ever faced, but... I'm dealing with it. I'm dealing with my mental illnesses. Twice a week, I see my therapist and I'm on less medication that actually works for me. Since my last medication adjustment, I've been happy. Truly happy for the first time in more than a year with more confidence in myself than ever before. I'm planning my future, envisioning a career when the boys no longer need me to be a stay home mommy. I'm much more rational than I've ever been, with amazing amounts of patience that I've always lacked with toddlers. I'm a wonderful mom now, a caring wife. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things, so I'll probably post about our little adventures and what the kids are doing again because I'm sound enough for all that finally. I'm nowhere near "recovered", but I'm making incredible improvement quickly. I'm so thankful for the support I have had throughout all of this, thankful that this was caught before I turned into someone that could hurt my children, thankful that I have an amazing husband. In short, we've been through hell and back but we came out of this stronger than ever. Upcoming posts: - Zoo trips - Beach vacation - New camera(s) - Easter party - Therapy talk - Mindfulness

#mhp

I've forgotten how to blog.

I don't know what to talk about; nothing feels natural to talk about. If anyone still follows me, I've open to suggestions.

#hlep me

Disappearing to IG.~

I guess. Idk. Just feels like a lot to keep up with between FB, IG, and here, soooo. Gonna try to retreat to the more aesthetically pleasing site since Tumblr looks like shit now. Toodles. •• IG: wickedwomb ••

#tbt to when August was weaned from formula until his dad came home for the weekend. I'm irrationally mad and it isn't even 6am yet!

#sometimes the hardest part of parenting isn't the kid it's the other parent #its a good thing he's at work or id murder him

Why do you call August, Auggie instead of Gus like you used to?

Auggie suits him better. We still call him Gus or Goose from time to time, but Auggie really stuck because it's perfect. 😻

Any Lego game or Skylanders!

Oh! Right, Legos. Thank you! 😄

What kind of food do you guys like? (Are you vegetarian?) I have lots of tasty meal ideas and recipes!

We are not vegetarian, but we normally stick with chicken, turkey, or fish for health reasons! The boys prefer chicken. I am in desperate need for toddler meal ideas, too! Mylo and I don't really eat pasta hardly at all anymore, but everyone loves rice. Help me! 😂😭😩

Good food for you! Muffin pan mini pot pies, slow cooker BBQ chicken, kebabs, baked ziti and salad, stuffed peppers, and chicken catchatori

Thank you, beauty!!!!

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