The Artemis Fowl Files

Artemis Fowl II, 23 Founder and CEO: Fowl Industries Email: [email protected] Skype: artemis.h.fowl

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Comet NEOWISE over Stonehenge : Have you ever seen a comet? Tonight – and likely the next few nights – should be a good chance. Go outside just at sunset and look to your northwest. The lower your horizon, the better. Binoculars may help, but if your sky is cloudless and dark, all you should need is your unaided eyes and patience. As the Sun sets, the sky will darken, and there will be an unusual faint streak pointing diagonally near the horizon. That is Comet NEOWISE. It is a 5-kilometer-wide evaporating dirty iceberg visiting from – and returning to – the outer Solar System. As the Earth turns, the comet will soon set, so you might want to take a picture. In the featured image, Comet C/2020 F3 (NEOWISE) was captured two mornings ago rising over Stonehenge in the UK. Discovered with the NASA satellite NEOWISE toward the end of March, Comet NEOWISE has surprised many by surviving its closest approach to the Sun, brightening dramatically, and developing impressive (blue) ion and (white) dust tails. via NASA

[artemisfowlfiles]

I’m back.

More to come.

-A

[artemisfowlfiles]

Skype is live.

I will have a little less than an hour, but later this evening I intend to be available longer.

Sincerely,

[artemisfowlfiles]

Skype is live.

I will have a little less than an hour, but later this evening I intend to be available longer.

Sincerely,

[artemisfowlfiles]

Skype will be live today.

At 4.00 PM GMT and 11 PM GMT I will be available on skype (artemis.h.fowl) to entertain questions.

That will be 11 AM EDT and 6 PM EDT for those of you in the United States.

Sincerely,

[artemisfowlfiles]

I know marriage is certainly a HUGE step, but what happened to Juliet? You two have been together for quite some time, yes?

Yes. 

That is the “rather obvious solution” to which I referred in my response to @dearhollyshort. I do, however, resent my father intending to push me into it and using our family home and fortune as a stick. He had no right to attempt to force my hand in this way, especially after his tiresome efforts to flaunt his newly-found morally superiority.

Sincerely,

[artemisfowlfiles]

I'm sorry Artemis. This sounds like a difficult thing to get your head around. I know if my parents tried to tell me how to live my life from beyond the grave I would be severely irritated. But knowing you, I'm sure you'll think of something. Call me if you need someone to bounce ideas off :) Holly x

I appreciate it, Holly.

There is, of course, a rather obvious solution. One that I do not believe would have been too far in the future even without my father’s meddling.

Ironically, this posthumous demand of his may have the opposite of its intended outcome. He’s tried to force the issue of marriage with his control over money because he wants me to lead a “normal” life complete with “love.”

By tying one to the other, however, he creates a potentially dangerous question: when I do marry, have I done it for love or for my family’s fortune?

My father always did have a flair to the dramatic. I feel as though I'm living in an 18th century drama.

Sincerely,

[artemisfowlfiles]

I love you in a totally platonic not creepy way because you are a precious cinnamon bun, and the ultimate nerd, and shouldn't ever change cause you're perfect, but have you considered a convenience marriage and subsequent divorce as a way around this provision? Perhaps with someone who understands the arrangement wouldn't be permanent and be purely for the sake of attaining what's rightfully yours?

Were I still romantically involved with Minerva, I’m sure I would have had her answer by the end of tea. I am also sure, however, that she would have leveraged the situation for her own benefit–not that I could blame her, but I don’t like the idea of having to jump through hoops to have control of my birthright only to hand over a significant percentage of it to Minerva.

Thankfully, that scenario is moot given that our romantic relationship ended several years ago.

-AF

[artemisfowlfiles]

I'm really sorry about your father, Artemis. Hope you are all doing okay.

I appreciate the condolences, but I might feel his loss more keenly were he not trying to dictate the terms of my life from beyond the grave.

As it is, I rather resent him.

Sincerely,

[artemisfowlfiles]

Tea with my mother has proved a most enlightening experience.

There are complications with my father’s will.

I have seen the document of course--all three times my father had allegedly passed--but this complication is the result of a handwritten codicil that my mother has been keeping from me for some time now.

Apparently all Fowls--natural born or married--have secrets. Even my mother.

My father may have turned over a new leaf after his return from Russia, but he did not entirely leave his previous ways behind. He still made the mistake of confusing encouragement with power. Though I don’t suppose I should be surprised--love and other forms of non-authoritarian influence always were rather foreign concepts to the man.

As it turns out, my father has bequeathed to my mother only a life interest in our family fortune and home:

The remainder of my estate, my ancestral home, my fortune, and all my other possessions to my dearest wife, Angeline, to manage and enjoy for the term of her life, and then to my eldest son on the occasion of his marriage.

Myles, Beckett, and I have already been taken care of by our trusts of course, all of which were created in my father’s proper will. I also have access to the accounts I hold in my own name, but this codicil does impact the remainder of the Fowl fortune and estate. I had expected it to pass in fee simple to my mother and then eventually through her own will, but it seems my father had other intentions.

Apparently he was so resolved that I have a “normal” life that he made it rather a condition of my eventual inheritance. And I had believed that our relationship had progressed in recent years--had at least become grounded in honesty. As he never mentioned this to me while he lived, I was clearly mistaken.

I do have until my mother’s death to resolve this contingency of course, but I cannot help but resent him for it--even from the grave he seeks to control my life. After he pretended to convincingly to have changed. I should have known that he would try to wield our family motto even in death--attempting to use our ancestral fortune as a prod toward the way he preferred me to live.

Aurum est potestas indeed.

Sincerely,

[artemisfowlquotes]

People said he was a chip off the old block. They were wrong. Master Artemis was a brand-new block, the likes of which had never been seen before.

Artemis Fowl, the Book

[artemisfowlfiles]

You should draw Artemis using a gun For the first time.

Why on Earth would I draw myself?

Quite apart from that, I tend to leave the gun-slinging to the professionals.

Sincerely,

[artemisfowlfiles]

To clarify from yesterday, there is a difference between being intentionally antagonistic and intentionally doing something that others might find antagonistic. I try to avoid the former, but often find the latter necessary to effectuate certain outcomes. That subtle distinction brings me to my main point of today’s post:

Tara is not the only shuttle port surrounding Dublin.

It may be the largest, most popular, and most-easily hidden from humans, but it is not the only option. In the interest of not further antagonising the Council–whose “hospitality” I am currently enduring with a rather discontented Juliet Butler–I will refrain from naming the location directly. However, those of you with access to Google and approximately 10 minutes of spare time should be able to do that with relative ease given the help I’ve provided above.

A full explanation will have to wait. 

Juliet is arguing with the security troll who confiscated her Beretta (I sense an amusing climax to this disagreement), and the power is about to surge and fail in this building courtesy of Fowl Industries’ recently-produced handheld EMP device.

I expect the blackout will result in an unconscious security troll and a somewhat perturbed Council, as well as an momentarily-yet-unavoidably-disconcerted Foaly. Apologies @dearhollyshort, I expect you’ll have quite a bit of paperwork.

Sincerely,

[dearhollyshort]

“quite a bit of paperwork” doesn’t begin to cover it, Mudboy. I was meant to be having a d’arvitting day to myself while Trubs took the kids out but no you just had to go wandering didn’t you?!

You’d better hope you’re far away from that shuttle port by now, Artemis, because I’m coming to shove that neato EMP device up your nostril. 

Next time you go near an LEP shuttle port just tell me and I’ll make sure it’s Grub, he won’t be so stupid as to tell the Council.

Holly x

[artemisfowlfiles]

May I remind you, you were the one to suggest I visit Haven. I merely decided to do so by a route less-frequently used by holiday-going sprites. 

I am sure Foaly is rather discontented that his servers will be down for at least several more hours, but I did need to find a way to allow a quick exit after Juliet--I believe the accurate term is coldcocked, that officer. 

I rather hope he wasn’t part of Retrieval One, no need to reopen old wounds.

Sincerely,

[artemisfowlfiles]

To clarify from yesterday, there is a difference between being intentionally antagonistic and intentionally doing something that others might find antagonistic. I try to avoid the former, but often find the latter necessary to effectuate certain outcomes. That subtle distinction brings me to my main point of today’s post:

Tara is not the only shuttle port surrounding Dublin.

It may be the largest, most popular, and most-easily hidden from humans, but it is not the only option. In the interest of not further antagonising the Council--whose “hospitality” I am currently enduring with a rather discontented Juliet Butler--I will refrain from naming the location directly. However, those of you with access to Google and approximately 10 minutes of spare time should be able to do that with relative ease given the help I’ve provided above.

A full explanation will have to wait. 

Juliet is arguing with the security troll who confiscated her Beretta (I sense an amusing climax to this disagreement), and the power is about to surge and fail in this building courtesy of Fowl Industries’ recently-produced handheld EMP device.

I expect the blackout will result in an unconscious security troll and a somewhat perturbed Council, as well as an momentarily-yet-unavoidably-disconcerted Foaly. Apologies @dearhollyshort, I expect you’ll have quite a bit of paperwork.

Sincerely,

[artemisfowlfiles]

Hi, me again! OK, so not a lot TV (not surprising), but are you honestly surprised by what I mentioned? Or should I have asked if you like "16 & Pregnant," "Catfish," and "Toddlers & Tiaras?" (PS - Please tell me you find sports as idiotic as I do?)

I am surprised by very little. 

I do understand of course why you chose to ask about those specific shows–I was simply responding honestly.

As for sport–I think there’s rather a difference in thinking it “idiotic” per se and thinking the salaries and other societal benefits conferred upon professional athletes at best perplexing and at worst an utter waste of societal resources. 

I have no general grievance with competitive athletic endeavors, those who participate in them, or those who choose to follow and support a given team. My younger brother has acquired and developed some of the same skills from his participation in athletics–commitment, perseverance, discipline–that I have through various academic pursuits. Those practical benefits aside, I still cannot, and will not, condemn people for participating in or following sport simply because they find it enjoyable. 

I do, however, find it disconcerting that professional athletes are often given almost mythic status in society and collect salaries and other, less-tangible benefits that reinforce their feelings of entitlement. 

This is, of course, a gross overgeneralization–but it is the side of competitive/professional sport that I find most concerning and logically indefensible. While governance, equipment, and facilities may require the large sums of money collected from ticket revenue, excellence in play does not (and should not) depend on the compensation of the players. 

In football in America (what they call soccer, not American football) and in Gaelic football here in Ireland, the players collected very little or nothing in terms of salary, and we still see highly skilled play and intensely committed fans. 

The basic content of my very long answer to your question, then, is no–I do not find sports idiotic. I do, however, think that many people forget they are optional and meant to enjoyed (by spectators and players alike). When people start to consider excellence in sport mandatory or simply a business venture, that is when I believe the results can become, as you say, idiotic.

Sincerely,

[artemisfowlfiles]

If you are so bored watching shows about people allegedly as clever as you, perhaps you should finally accept my invitation to come watch Crunchball ;) Certainly nobody trying to be clever in that. You know you want to- I'll even buy you a veggie dog, they're only like 80% unknown weird chemicals! Holly x (p.s.. Ireland really isn't that far from Haven, hint hint...)

Tempting as that offer may be, I’ll leave that to you and Juliet–though I’m sure you could recruit Beckett as a fan as well in time.

As for your cleverly-veiled invitation to visit, I would say yes were it not for the fact that certain of the People tend to get a touch defensive if I appear in or even around Haven unannounced. 

You know how I tend to avoid being intentionally antagonistic. 

[artemisfowlfiles]

Although the monkfish was rather too nondescript to be considered a “special” in my opinion, the rest of this evening’s meal was quite good. 

The restaurant is not overly large and we were seated on the second level near the corner--a location that has long been a Butler-family favourite when it comes to dining out. I tend to prefer something more central, but this time I was overruled. 

Apparently I am doomed never to escape, to quote Juliet, “that time you were nearly killed and my brother was shot and hauled to a fish freezer on a dessert cart.” Given that Matt the Thresher is also a seafood restaurant, I decided not to argue. As a result, we had a lovely (if slightly cramped by the corner) evening.

Sincerely,