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🖼 Family photo, 1998 🖼 Artemis being hailed as the spitting image of his father while actually, if you truly look, sharing a lot more features with his mother will forever be my Roman empire 💜 wow Fowldom, long time no see... past year has been, well, it has been. I've dearly missed drawing my dearest dysfunctional fictional people, but felt very rusty, so how about a nice classical family picture to get back into it ?
(Artemis Senior and Butler are about to go out on a scheme behind Angeline's back, and are bringing a ten-year-old Artemis II along) Angeline: Another 'business meeting'? Artemis Sr.: Oh, uh, I didn't see you... sitting in the dark there. Yeah, no, there's an fire at the docks, I just got the call, they think it may be arson, so now I've got to go talk to the fire department... Angeline: Butler? (flicks light on) Is he telling the truth? Butler: ...I don't want to be put in the middle of this, sir. Artemis Sr., sighing: Thank you, Butler... Angeline, pointing at Artemis II: Why is he wearing that bandit hat? [Artemis II takes off his mask] Artemis Sr.: ...His ears were cold. He's not with us. (Points at him) Go back to bed. [Artemis II silently leaves and closes the door] Angeline: If what I think is happening, IS happening... it better not be.
THIS IS OLD
So don’t judge it too harshly.
Fowltember- ghost
What the Fowls/Butlers Would Post on Social Media
🪙 Artemis Fowl II (strategic genius, reluctant influencer)
Posts are perfectly curated and deeply unsettling: “Solved a centuries-old cipher over lunch. The pasta was undercooked.”
Only follows space agencies, banks, and MI6.
Most-liked post: A blurry photo of Butler mid-leap captioned “Security check: passed.”
Accidentally went viral for live-tweeting an art heist in real time. Claimed it was “research.”
💎 Butler (bodyguard and weapons master)
Weekly “Survival Skills for Civilians" such as “Always face the door. Always."
Posts gear reviews: “This vest stopped a dart from a Lithuanian crime lord. Velcro’s loud. 4 stars.”
Occasionally leaves one-word comments like “Unwise.”
💚 Juliet Butler (wrestling icon, queen of TikTok)
TikToks: wrestling moves, dramatic slow-mo kicks, snack reviews.
Viral series of 15-second clips: “Speedrun: Disarming Overconfident Men”
Went viral for saying “Trouble Kelp’s only tactical advantage is being too pretty to punch.”
👒 Angeline Fowl (elegant, enigmatic, occasionally concerning)
Posts aesthetic photos of the manor, her orchids, and passive-aggressive quotes like: “A calm exterior hides many crimes.”
Her Instagram is suspiciously perfect. Too perfect.
Subtle shade in every story post.
🦿 Artemis Fowl I (post-rehab, dad mode, very earnest)
New to social media. Very enthusiastic. Overuses hashtags like #FamilyMan #NoMoreHeists
#ThrowbackThursday photos from shady business trips.
Once tagged Artemis in a selfie captioned: “Proud of my boy! He said not to post this. I did anyway.”
Want more?
What the LEP Would Post on Social Media
What the Villains Would Post on Social Media
ARTEMIS
as a baby (suggested by a friend on discord)
How does one begin to describe this mess of a child? A genius child being a normal baby at first seems odd to anyone that knows him. But no one is born smart. They’re born with the correct skills, and it’s up to them if they want to showcase it or not. His father heavily influenced his cocky side, but he didn’t come out of the womb committing tax fraud. He had to grow up first.
Artemis was born on September 1st, 1989, surrounded by his mother, father, servants, and his bodyguard for life.
His baby blues paired with his raven hair gave him a striking appearance, being a bit quieter than most babies. He cried when he was sleepy, but not much noise apart from that.
His first smile and coo was when Butler held him for the first time. Butler has the memory of his principal’s hand wrapped tightly around his finger as he said an oath to protect Artemis.
Artemis would only sleep in his mother's arms for the first 2 months, trying to move him resulted in him immediately waking up and crying. The Nannie’s tried to train him otherwise but Angeline refused, wanting to be her newborn at all times.
A picture of Artemis grabbing his father’s nose (the only feature that told them apart) is framed on the wall in between all the pictures of his father with other criminals and certificates.
Meeting Juliet for the first time was a fever dream for Arty, he just stared at her confused as she was the first child he saw (all the people he met before her were big adults)
Feeding him was a nightmare. He would just spit out milk/food after letting it sit in his mouth for a while, all the Nannies would struggle for hours only for him to throw up right after finishing a meal. Eventually it was solved when they just pushed the food far back into his mouth up and hold his mouth shut until he swallowed.
It was common for him to ignore the nannies and crawl away to the office doors. It would end with him blocked by Butler before getting scooped up into his arms and taken back to the soft mat. This was Artemis’s favorite game to play before his father thought him how to play chess at 3 years old.
He didn't cry during his first haircut, he just sat there chill with little to know expression on his face. Angeline likes to repeat the story till this day, (Artemis has no clue why because he’s genuinely never been scared of stuff like that and he doesn’t understand why anyone would be).
His first word was "Gow" while pointing to his mother's gold necklace. Angeline freaked so hard that Artemis Sr. had to hold him so that she didnt toss him away in excitement— and Artemis Sr. did NOT expect his son to repeat what he said at the meeting he took him to. He assumed his son was asleep in the baby carrier. That was the first indicator of his intelligence, for he began repeating words that people around him said after his mother’s reaction
He had his first steps in front of Juliet as part of her ‘bodyguard training role play’ with him. She would 'train' him to walk, which was basically roughhousing him to stand and kicking his feet to take steps forward. He graduated the training academy after 2 weeks (record time), his final test being getting up and walking all the way to Juliet who was on the other side of the foyer.
Butler nearly burst into tears when Juliet brought Artemis to him with a jolly smile on her face as they walked hand-in-hand. (Someone draw thsi this would be mad funny)
He had a strict sleep schedule of 8:30pm to 6:02am, and he also napped 3pm to 5pm. You could not change this schedule. He just automatically fell asleep no matter where he was.
Remember when I said he wouldn’t cry often? Scratch that, he cried every 2 seconds because of Butler trying to protect him. He would cry if he was put down and didn’t immediately psych it and lift him back up (he’s never done that so Butler had no clue where he got it from), if he tried taking off his shoes, if he tried correcting his pronunciation of the phonetic alphabets. But then he never whined in front of anyone else (this is why Butler is chill with all the bs he pulls off over the years, hoping he didn’t start throwing a tantrum again)
His tutor thought he was slow at first until he read a full sentence perfectly. The tutor immediately changed the report on him to ‘This kid’s a genius, incredible observation skills.’ after asking why Artemis didn’t repeat after him when the tutor prompted him, to which Artemis responded, “I wanted you to finish the sentence, it took you 3 days.”
He made everyone learn how to play chess when Artemis Sr. had to go on a business trip, then he made Butler routinely play with him. Of course he won every time, but still. He intentionally let him win 2 times just to see his winning strategy and never lost again.
The only form of affection he wasn’t completely weirdest out by was cheek kisses, and genuinely doesn’t mind them even now. I like to believe he would greet his parents with a cheek kiss when they were discussing bombs or something.
You genuinely cannot say ANYTHING around this child because he will listen, learn, and sometimes use it against you. He heard his father speaking on the phone about going to smuggle fur into a different country and repeated to his mother thinking she knew about it. She didn’t.
The first show of his interest of higher education than his level was when he just under 5 and reading books in the Fowl Manor library instead of going out on his daily walk with his mother.
And then the rest is history.
Yayay this is the first time I took over a day to finish all the headcanons, finals are a mood killer ;.(
Hi, Mrs. Fowl... Could you, uh, please ask your son for calculus notes. I know he's in my class but, I don't know how to approach him (when I do try to find him, he magically disappears...).
Please and thank you,
@the-friendly-breeze
Hello dear ! Well, that's not very polite of him. @thesecondartemis-fowl, could you oblige please ? 💚 Apologies for the tagging, I know it's uncomfortable for the both of you - but that's on Artemis for perpetually ghosting my DMs.
Enjoy your day ! ✨
Angeline & Artemis Sr.
