TRAUMA UNLEASHED
i was raped at age 11 by a trusted neighbor who was 23
my bio dad left my mom single parent drunken father POS at age 2
my next father, step dad #1 age 5 beat me to the floor unconscious by putting me in handcuffs, hit me with those nun chuck thing, broken nose, bloodied eyes and wrists from trying to get out, then proceeded to put me in a closet until mother came home late from work, almost died
then age 4 i forgot took a knife and ran it down my spine, 19 years later still have the scar
age 8 proceeded to fight domestic abuse with mother, tried to come out and protect her, no power or phone lines, he disconnected on purpose so we could not call for help, it was thunderstorming at the time, and when the thunder struck the loudest he fired a gun at me thru me hiding in the couch and missed me by 2 inches... kinda wish it woulda killed me
next father step dad #2 was verbally and emotionally abusive, physical a few times, threw me through a glass door and i ended up with 17 stitches on my left arm side of elbow and right arm 4 stitches on my elbow
i am a drug addict
i have schizophrenia
those dont work well
i am currently in psychosis
i had a gf for 9 years who controlled EVERYTHING, my clothes, friends, family time, drugs, money, and raped me while i was overdosing, she also cut me deep all over my thighs and burned me badly in that area also
as a result, i self harmed
she encouraged my anorexia, i could not eat, i had to look in the mirror and trace and touch my bones then squeeze my fat, thus, i graduated high school at merely 76 pounds for being 5 foot 5
i am not currently sure if that :changed my sexuality” but it for real had an impact
i am bisexual
my bio dad, visit with him and my bro, i was 8 bro was 12, dad locked us in a small closet, we had to be in uncomfortable positions, no food, barely any water, and locked in so we could not escape, i pissed and shit myself and got a seriously gnarly kidney infection
i have OD’d 10 times
7 on heroin, one of those being carfentanyl
2 on cough medication, triple c’s
and once at 80mg of xanax and overdosed, again
my coricidin overdose landed me into a coma, brain dead, on a ventilator and a respirator, unlikely to ever function again
i came out and read a clock backwards and i was slightly conscious
this was 6 days
i had to re learn how to learn, speak, walk, everything basic taught as a child
other coricidin OD has tylenol and i was not cognizant of that, too much willing to destroy my life and get high, maybe die, eh, and landed life flighted to Bayer Hospital in phoenix, Az, meanwhile i live in PA, traumatized my mother
speaking of her, we are highly codependent
i cannot function, make any decision, be independent or control finances or other adult things 23-24 year olds should be able to do like my bro
and my bro at age 24 bought a home and 3 vehicles, has a beautiful gf, lives in pittsburgh and makes over 200k being a mechanical engineer for oil companies, designing the above ground petroleum tanks
im the outcast, the black sheep, the scape goat, the fuck up, the “why dont you stop all these behaviors for me, dont you love me?” love mom of course
im currently sitting in my 37th treatment center during group writing this, hoping to relinquish some pain, maybe not, maybe worsen, well, at least i have professional help available if needed
thats counting psychiatric too
i am actively in a state of psychosis
i cannot remember what i say 2 words in, hence the typing
i cant hold a convo
i am talking, AND getting responses in return to my conversation
i see people who arent there
i have voices telling me to kill myself every goddamn day, at least once an hour of my life thus far
alas, my pain
i still self harm, my ED is in 7 years recovery, im a meth addict,
oh yeah, OD’d on that too
had heart attack and a mini stroke
ugh, well ill probabaly post again with more shit
oh wait
my step dad #1 tried to get my brother and i to molest one another while he was stroking his dick, me 4, bro 8, bro pushed him away from the door by goughing his eyes out,
my apologizes for any spelling errors or grammar or whatever inventory youre taking of mine, maybe instead of yours
there is probably so much more, but im having panic so im stopping for now
one last trauma, my babysitter punished me for my bro scaring me at a park, i screamed in fear 2 times from step dad trauma, and i screamed a 3rd time and got locked in a hot car suffered from heat stroke and exhaustion, age 7
&&im considerably always suicidal and cut daily
but, im here, and you can be , too
...i love you, even if nobody else tells you. <3
