I think I was so afraid of having nothing to offer, so I gave and I gave and I gave and still felt like I wasn’t doing enough for the people around, as if burning myself away in relationships would ease the burden that it was to have me around in the first place. I associated with people who also made me feel like it was never enough, because of the familiarity of a relationship where I would have to earn love, as if it was something very, very, conditional, something I would have to pay for. And being exhausted from giving myself away, believing I didn’t have anything to offer anymore, I isolated myself, feeling ashamed, feeling like a big burden in the lives of others.
And then it hit me, finally, that those demanding people never put the same effort back in our relationship. They never saw me as good enough, but their perception doesn’t have to be my reality. I can choose to be around people who enjoy having me around because my existence is enough to them. I realized, after so many health setbacks that being sick is not a failure on my part, it doesn’t mean I am not trying to enough.
Some people will never see you for who you are, they might not see you’re worth, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t valuable or that you have nothing to add to the world. Your existence matters, and you’re enough even if you’re not as accomplished as you wished. You don’t have to prove your worth to anyone. You’re worthy because you’re alive, right here, right now. You don’t have to earn the right to occupy space, or give all you have hoping someone might finally understand you. It’s okay to just exist and you to be loved just because people appreciate the fact you’re alive.
The people who placed their highest, unreachable expectations in you were setting themselves up for disappointment because they expected perfection, and that doesn’t exist. They aren’t perfect people as well, they are probably very hurt in ways they don’t want to work on, so they lash out in other people, even though that is not fair and you didn’t deserve it. Don’t self-sabotage yourself in fear of being vulnerable, in fear of not being enough for other people. You deserve to be seen, you deserve to be loved as you are right now, not by proving how useful you can be to someone because you’re not a machine. You’re not an object. You’re just another human, as valuable as anyone else.
You have so much love to offer, and it’s okay to seek the right people to offer it to. And I hope the day comes you realize you’re not devoid of anything because someone didn’t see your worth and treated you as disposable. Treating people like objects says there is something wrong with the way they build relationships, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. If someone else treats you like you don’t matter, that is on them, and not on you. It doesn’t make their perception right, it doesn’t mean you have nothing to give, it doesn’t mean you are broken, it doesn’t make you worthless. Sometimes people don’t see you, but that doesn’t mean there is nothing there to see.
I hope the day comes when you realize you don’t have to prove yourself to earn love. I hope it comes soon. And I hope you feel like you’re enough even if you don’t have anything figured out, even if you feel lost, even if you’re sick, even if you’re lost. You are worthy as you are, just as every human is. It’s okay to just… be.
