poetry🌙✨

my soul is tethered to these words i pour out from my heart

[ascensionintolove]

across oceans i found you

right where i left, how did i get so lucky?

i touch your face, graze your lips with mine.

we’re freezing time, etching into the world you’re mine. they say don’t fall in love with earthly things, that’s fine because you’re nothing short of what is ethereal. i see that sparkle in your eyes, hints of light beaming off your skin, can we walk this earth together and promise to find each other in each afterlife?

hope is not for fools, it’s for people who have to believe in a greater purpose, mine is yours. i’d rather not talk about what came before us, the people that inhabited your body, ones who thought they could break you but didn’t. i didn’t come to pick up the pieces and rebuild you, you did that yourself. i adorned you in affection and embraced you with everlasting warmth. you’ve besotted me for what feels like forever, my divine lover.

-sandra n

[ascensionintolove]

some times you will exhaust all your efforts in hopes one will only start trying and you’ll realize one sided love is a terrible place to be, one without acceptance. because who am i to wait on one side of the fence when you are still inside, watching me like i am just a stranger; not a lover, not even a friend.

-sandra n

[ascensionintolove]

fashion is not in my dna,

but instead the little puzzle pieces that add to my full identity that cannot be expressed through words. i did not choose fashion because i hierarchize my clothing as “more” than the average person, nor because I believe there is a certain complexity in my fashion that stands out. Fashion completes me. Ever since I was child, I sought out ways to communicate due to the neglect I felt. It just happened that clothes were the way people could understand me better. When I did not feel like speaking, my clothing spoke for me. Simply enough, when I am draped in cloth, I find salvation.

-sandra nyamuswa

[ascensionintolove]

how long does loneliness stretch?

if i reach out to my toes, can you tell me that’s all ?

am I able to lay at night without singing sweet symphonies of death,

lullabies of permanence,

deliverance from everlasting punishment

my mind splits when i am alone

you must understand a mask can only stay on for so long

in my case, hiding it makes my teeth grind

scrape old paint off the table

And for a second i make myself believe i need retribution

all this fullness in your life and you still feel like gauging your eyes out ,

telling yourself, no more but

your insides only know

“let’s ask for more”.

whether its a high, a self inflicted wound or heart ache

you roll the dice

because at the end of the day you’re player one

and when you’ve let yourself go on for so long

its not a question of, let’s see things through

it’s either quit game or continue playing on.

-sandra n

[ascensionintolove]

i feel sick knowing our memories

can be interpreted by anyone as nothing more than a story.

that i let the overwhelming love i had for you become a secret

and in this way i let you and i fade away because we could never convince ourselves one or the other felt the same way .

who to blame for the words we both fell short on?

i want to numb these feelings i had never felt before until you came

but i can only poison my body so much before it fails on me

-sandra n

[ascensionintolove]

one day i will overdose on the pain i medicate myself with and I’m not sure i feel so bad anymore knowing i’ve always had an expiration date.

[ascensionintolove]

6 years i’ve been here.

writing and hiding from the world that no longer comes. some days i think i’m only talking to myself.

if this website was place, there’d be cobwebs all over the walls.

dust in the cracks of the floor,

and dirt scattered all around.

you know, i really do

hope they’ll come back.

that they’ll see we never left

and we’ll stay, even if you go.

s.n.

[ascensionintolove]

I’m coping like everyone else,

can I really complain?

I’d like to hierarchize my pain

and tell everyone they don’t feel

the same, but that wouldn’t be the

truth.

We were all born into this world knowing we would be approaching death on all forefronts whether from a mass atrocity or plainly, a natural cause. I’m just like every lonely person ever. Cycling through periods of full contentment and then back to loneliness. Cursing out my mom, any other person who thinks they know more because they’re older. Crying myself to sleep wishing I didn’t know so much about this world, but I do. Because I’m human and will get to know more about this existence over time…..

and so will you.

s.n.

[ascensionintolove]

“dysania”

these days

i lock myself

in my room

and tell myself

it’s for safekeeping

but in reality

my body is incapable

of getting itself

out of bed.

i fight with my mind on

why i have to

wake every day

and leave my dreams

only until later that

night.

look for reasoning

to justify my exhaustion;

but what you don’t know

is that

when my feet

hit the ground

as i stand,

i feel this weight

of responsibilities

as a human

and suddenly before

i know it, i am back

under the covers

and away from the world

waiting for nightfall to

tell myself it’s okay,

to rest more.

-sandy n

[ascensionintolove]

i have a static

heart

and a gun

for a mouth,

there’s

nothing worth

loving here.

-sandy n

[ascensionintolove]

i was up at night

deciding what day was gonna

be my last,

and you were outside my door

screaming about my

room being a mess.

[ascensionintolove]

i hate being called crazy by my family

because i’m not, i’m just mentally ill.

but also thinking about the fact

that if i was acting normal, they wouldn’t

have to call me it in the first place.

[ascensionintolove]

it was never about the calories, no.

i did it because

i couldn’t control you from leaving,

my friends to keep caring,

my family to notice me

slowly disappearing.

but i could stop the

scale from moving up,

the amount of people who said

keep going

this little version of me

it made my own

mom jealous,

random women tell me

the life they lived

when they were

double 0’s,

men love

everything lifeless

about me.

but it couldn’t last.

because every time

i took away,

my body compensated.

and one day

it wasn’t about what

i could leave off my plate ,

it was how long i could go

without ending up in

a 36 x 80 hospital bed.

-sandra n

[ascensionintolove]

how do i forgive myself

for failing my life long dream of becoming

a size double zero

but pat myself on the back for becoming

everything i feared i’d become?

[ascensionintolove]

i once had this dream

where i loved someone

so i wait, i wait

hopeful i am indeed

able to love.

[ascensionintolove]

i get this spinny, funny feeling throughout my body when i see you

you ask me why i never look you in the eyes

i wish i could be that person who doesn’t avoid emotion in close affairs,

but I still cover my face when you call me beautiful and

I still find my chest pounding against my rib cage before i open the door to you.

is it so hard for you to see

every move you make is enchanting me?

-sandy n

[ascensionintolove]

you are a light

worth shining for

in all facets of colors

your beauty is bewildering

because out of all the faces

I’ve walked right past

I saw you, and smiled instantly

as if we hadn’t just met

for the very first time

/sandy n\