Asexual Problems

Well, this is a problems page. We're a very varied community and not all posts will reflect the problems that every Asexual faces. Sometimes the problems faced by one Asexual will be the exact opposite of what another would think of as problematic. That said, someone will have faced each problem here. Please respect that. And yes, I want submissions - I'll quote you if you'd like.

[asexualproblems2]

I want to come out as asexual to my friends but I feel like they will either laugh at me, deny the fact I'm asexual, talk about me behind my back or bring up things that have happened in the past which may suggest that I'm not asexual, when in actually fact, that is what I believe that I identify as. I'm beginning to get really frustrated at them assuming I'm a lesbian because I never talk about boys or wanting to have sex. What should I do?

If I’m reading this right (and message me back if I’m not), you do, in fact, want to come out despite your worries about what will happen afterward, correct?  Because this is the best link I’ve got bookmarked for coming out advice.  It’s pretty thorough!  Here’s another link that looks pretty good, although I’ve only skimmed it.

I can’t tell you what exactly will happen when you come out, but from my own experiences:  On the topic of laughter: only my family laughed. Denial: those people were RARE but were also really hard to deal with - this also included my family (they laughed because they were condescending to the foolish daughter who didn’t understand her own feelings - it sucked).  Talking behind your back: that will happen anyway, especially if they’re trying to figure out your sexuality (and they really may not be vicious about it, but only curious - my friends were stumped for years).  Bringing up the past: I didn’t have a past to bring up (probably also part of why denial was so rare), but that first link might help you to reply if any past happenings are brought up.  Thinking you’re a lesbian because you never talk about boys and sex: weirdly enough, this might actually make it easier for them to accept your Asexuality.  It isn’t fair (stereotypes never are), Asexual people can talk about boys and sex until the cows come home and still be Asexual, but since you’re noticeably not talking about it you’re “showing signs” that make it easier for people to say “Oh, of course, this explains everything!” (I don’t guarantee it’ll make it easier, but I suspect it paved my way quite a bit.)

My own advice (to be added to the excellent advice of QueenieOfAces) is this: pick the person or people you think will be the most supportive for your first time coming out (and pick carefully, because the worst personal coming out story I could relate was when I came out to someone I thought would be supportive).  My first time coming out was absolutely perfect, and it gave me the boost I needed to continue coming out to many others.  I picked two of my close friends, told them I had something important I wanted to say, took a deep breath, and: “I’m Asexual.”  They were amazing - they both jumped up to give me a hug.  Then they said “I’m bisexual” and “I’m bisexual too”, and were extremely supportive (I already knew they were bisexual, but being a part of a coming out group hug was absolutely glorious).  I think it helped that they had both come out before, so they had some idea of how to make it very positive for me.

If you, or anyone else, wants to send me a message on this fancy new chat thing (one year hiatus...) saying “I’m Asexual”, that would be totally cool.  I know it’s not exactly nerve wracking to come out as Ace to an Ace blogger, but I’ll absolutely support you!  (I’m not online all the time, but when I am I’ll reply.)

Let me know if you have any more questions!

[asexualproblems2]

Hello, this happen to me a lot, like following a cute blog about cute animal photos or something, and then they suddenly start to talk with so much detail about how they had sex and about their parts and explicit sex... i wonder if someone more thinks thats horrible?

I don’t, personally.  I’ve unfollowed people because the sexually explicit words or images got to be too much, but I don’t actually think it’s horrible - it’s just what they want to blog about.  I’ve been away for a year, but when I was here last there were options for hiding tags; it that’s still the case and you want to continue following the cute blogs that also post about sex, then you might try unfollowing their sex-related tags.

[allopropaganda]

One thing I’ve discovered is that it’s possible for people who are Ace, like me, to have it linked to their trauma.

Wait, before you say anything, please hear me out.

The stereotype that all Aces are “broken” and “victims” is bull, and all of us Aces know that. It’s a gross stereotype, and we have the right to fight against it. However, I ask you to not erase those who began to identify as Ace after trauma.

I was lesbian. I loved girls, I was sexually attracted to girls, just girls. But, after my trauma, everything changed. I can no longer feel sexual attraction. Nothing. Nodda. Zilch.

We exist, and we’re sorry that we throw fire into that stereotype, but please don’t erase us. We still matter. We are still Ace. I’m tired of being told that I’m a liar, that I’m making all Ace people look bad for something I can’t control.

We don’t need Acephobia inside the Ace community. 

[asexualproblems2]

But being monogamous isn't inherently being possessive, either. You don't have to be poly for the relationship to not be petty, jealous, and possessive. Those problems exist in polyamorous relationships too. It just depends on the people involved.

Is this part of a larger conversation from before I took almost a year away from tumblr?  I feel like I might be missing the beginning.  Also, are you replying to the other anon, or to my response?

If you were replying to my response then here: I don’t doubt for a second that pettiness, jealousy, and possessiveness can happen in any kind of relationship - I get jealous all the time when my friends go off and do things without inviting me, for instance, and I get petty when I’m in a really bad mood, no matter who I’m dealing with.  (Luckily, I tend to be laid back!)  I did not mean to imply that I thought poly relationships were perfect, I meant only to say that I would be much happier in an open romantic and sexual relationship than I would be in a closed one.

[asexualproblems2]

I'm not so certain "romantic" has to mean "possessive". If I develop romantic feelings for someone I don't want to "own" a person ... It can be entirely open and still romantic.

I’d agree with you there.  I would prefer to be in an open romantic relationship (if I was going to be in one at all).  I don’t think that people have any (or much?) control over their own attractions, and I just don’t believe it lessens my relationship with someone if they or I also experience any sort of attraction/desire toward anyone else, or if they or I act on that attraction/desire.  Commitment doesn’t mean exclusion to me, and love doesn’t mean you can’t also love others.

Mind you, I prefer not to date (in theory I’m open to dating, in practice I avoid it) so my opinions on relationships should be taken with a grain of salt.  Plus it’s 4:30 AM on a Monday, so my ability to articulate things is probably way lower than I think it is.

[asexualproblems2]

Is this blog still active and submitting confession?

I haven’t been running it for a long time (actually, I haven’t been on tumblr at all in a long time).  My intention is to look through these 244 messages here, and see about starting this up again.

[asexualproblems2]

I have a new blog called grey-asexual-problems that I started for those of the lesser-known grey asexual community to safely relate to each other. Feel free to share with your followers!

[asexual-society]

If allosexuals aren’t seen as ‘less allosexual’ when they’re celibate/abstinent, then why do asexuals are seen as ‘less asexuals’ when they decide to have sex?

[bohofien]

“Masks.”

- Shel Silverstein

[asexualproblems2]

True story: I found out that two of my classmates were asexual, making it three (one gray, one aro-ace, and one me) out of twelve in a class I had decided early on I was not going to come out in (it was a creative writing thing, so whether to write about asexuality when everyone else would be reading it was actually something I had to think about).  The first ace I found out about because I had a comic signed by Gail Simone with an asexual character in it, and I was toting it around to show to EVERY LIVING BEING the day after I obtained it, along with an explanation of exactly why it was the best thing ever (ace two wasn’t in the room while I was explaining why I was petting a comic book: it was something like twenty minutes before class was due to start).  The second I found out about because she wrote a poem about aromanticism, and hid it in the possibility that it was a really weird poem about snow.  Naturally, I was all “holy shit, this is about AROMANTICISM!” (I was shocked and delighted).  I brought it up as one possible interpretation when I just couldn’t take it any more, and I was then asked to elaborate on my theory, line by line, for the whole class--ruining my plan to not come out any further, but solidifying my poem analysis-cred.

tldr: 1/4th of my class is ace and we’re all surprised because none of us had planned on mentioning it.

[fuckyeahasexual]

I didn’t know thetrevorproject had an ace page with great graphics.

[anothersolarpunk]

Do you ever go to your fridge because you’re hungry, but once you open it you just stare inside and want none of it? You open your pantry but still nothing appeals to you. Maybe someone even comes and suggests something, and even though you don’t know what you want, you still know that everything they said isn’t right. So you just stand around confused and hungry for no reason.

That’s what it’s like to be an asexual with a sex drive.

[maljoylove13]

Thank you this was helpful

[avenpt]

AVEN has released a statement regarding 'A is for Ally'

LGBT rights organisation GLAAD’s recent campaign, entitled “Got Your Back”, promoting allyship, has garnered much attention in regards to its tagline “A is for Ally”. The AVEN board of directors and project team would like to share the following statement:

A is for Asexuals, Aromantics, Agender people… and for Allies GLAAD, an internationally renowned LGBT rights organization, created a campaign called “Got your back” with the tagline “A is for Allies”. At AVEN we hugely value the role that allies play in our community and in the wider LGBTQ+ movement. However, “A” stands for Asexual, Aromantic and Agender people as well as Allies. The phrase “A is for Allies”, used in isolation, conjures memories of marginalization and exclusion from LGBTQ+ groups for many asexual, aromantic and agender people, for whom invisibility and erasure are still huge problems. We applaud the many activists who brought this issue to wider attention. We also applaud GLAAD for revising their campaign accordingly and acknowledging asexual, aromantic and agender people, and the issues they face. GLAAD illustrated the allyship that they celebrate as an organization by correcting their honest mistake and taking a firm stance on the inclusion of agender, aromantic, and asexual people in the LGBTQ+ community. We hope to work closely with GLAAD in the future, both to ensure better representation of asexuality, aromanticism and agender identities in popular culture, and to act as good allies ourselves for the wider LGBTQ+ movement. For more information, visit asexuality.org, asexualawarenessweek.com or write to [email protected] for general information and [email protected] for media requests.

[wyvernsdreams]

Yeah, hm. This is nice and all, but I’m genuinely asking this: How can the “A” in LGBTQ+ be for allies in any way, when allies are not actually part of the LGBT?

They’re called allies for a reason, because they’re people who support LGBT individuals while not being LGBT themselves.  Therefor, that “A” will never include them.  If it did, that would make them LGBT, which they aren’t.

I don’t know why, but I’d honestly expected more of AVEN than for them to sit there and say: “Yes yes, A is for Asexuals, Aromantics, and Agender people! But it’s still for Allies, too! ;)”

[avenpt]

AVEN has released a statement regarding 'A is for Ally'

LGBT rights organisation GLAAD’s recent campaign, entitled “Got Your Back”, promoting allyship, has garnered much attention in regards to its tagline “A is for Ally”. The AVEN board of directors and project team would like to share the following statement:

A is for Asexuals, Aromantics, Agender people… and for Allies GLAAD, an internationally renowned LGBT rights organization, created a campaign called “Got your back” with the tagline “A is for Allies”. At AVEN we hugely value the role that allies play in our community and in the wider LGBTQ+ movement. However, “A” stands for Asexual, Aromantic and Agender people as well as Allies. The phrase “A is for Allies”, used in isolation, conjures memories of marginalization and exclusion from LGBTQ+ groups for many asexual, aromantic and agender people, for whom invisibility and erasure are still huge problems. We applaud the many activists who brought this issue to wider attention. We also applaud GLAAD for revising their campaign accordingly and acknowledging asexual, aromantic and agender people, and the issues they face. GLAAD illustrated the allyship that they celebrate as an organization by correcting their honest mistake and taking a firm stance on the inclusion of agender, aromantic, and asexual people in the LGBTQ+ community. We hope to work closely with GLAAD in the future, both to ensure better representation of asexuality, aromanticism and agender identities in popular culture, and to act as good allies ourselves for the wider LGBTQ+ movement. For more information, visit asexuality.org, asexualawarenessweek.com or write to [email protected] for general information and [email protected] for media requests.

[freddiegoesmental-deactivated20]

“You can’t be asexual because you don’t reproduce by self-replicating” is basically the same argument as “Your nose can’t be running because it doesn’t have feet.”

[aromanticrei-blog]

oh my god

[kookootegu-deactivated20140727]

this is going on my list of fave asexual posts

[avenpt]

AVEN 2014 Survey

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) is performing a large-scale survey. We are looking for any respondents who are part of the asexual spectrum, as well as people who are not part of the asexual spectrum. This survey includes some sensitive questions about sexual topics. Please share this survey so we can get a larger sample and therefore a more accurate result. The survey is open for a short period of time. Later, statistical results will be published, providing crucial information about the demographics and needs of asexual-spectrum people.

[asexualityresources]

[palavenblues-blog]

holy shit there is a name for it

[queensimia-deactivated20181215]

Well damn. Explains a lot.

[deadcatwithaflamethrower]

Suddenly I understand some of my fan base a LOT better.  That is Awesome. 

[obsessionisaperfume]

"holy shit there is a name for it" was my reaction before I even scrolled down to the comments.

[clucku]

I just need to keep reblogging this because I cannot even begin to tell you how profound a feeling of YES and THIS and THERE IS A WORD FOR ME OMG I get every time I see this, and I hope it helps others too.

[astronomifier]

seriously, anytime you see a post with a comment saying “theres a name for it?!” reblog that post because even if it doesnt apply to you any of your followers could be waiting for that revelation.

[asexualproblems2]

Anonymous submission.