i always thought the worst birthday i ever had was my 18th:
1. because i didn’t invite my friends to celebrate with me- i didn’t know how to invite them when most of them went home to the province
2. i was definitely depressed and i just felt heavy and out of it, but;
i couldn’t even process that my mom prepared all these sunflower themed pastries and cake for me (after i told her i loved sunflowers at the time)
my family tried their best to make it a good birthday for me, i even tried my best to dress up and wear make up, they didn’t rush me and just let me get ready; funny is that they also dressed up with me
i just wish i wasn’t so in my head to appreciate it while in the moment, now i just look back at it and have this feeling of melancholy wash over me.
little did i know that the worst birthday i would ever have was my 26th
the list is so long for this one that if i would go into detail you’d instantly know who were the people that made it shit— and i may actually do
i disassociated so hard on this day because i couldn’t even have control of what i actually wanted to do for my birthday, so many people kept adding on to the plan, the guest list, even the fucking food
so much money was spent and i didn’t enjoy a single Peso, i couldn’t even eat because i was still grieving my grandfather’s very recent passing (i was the only one beside him when he passed while in the hospital) i had zero appetite and they kept cooking food i didn’t ask for
i was only then looking forward to having a strawberry shortcake (my favorite!) but it was never bought, i don’t know why it was never bought but i never got it
and the pudding my bestfriend made me the day before (i celebrated with my bestfriends a day beforehand which i am very grateful for because i still had a day i could look back to where i was surrounded with genuine love and support) was eaten by guests i did not invite. they ate every single last piece and even joked to my face (in Tagalog originally) “sorry, we already ate it because we saw it in the fridge. it IS delicious as you said,” any sort of will to eat vainshed
then people kept coming and bringing alcohol as if i wanted to drink with these a bunch of inconsiderate alcoholics. they introduced one woman to me and i was expecting even a decent happy birthday greeting and all she did was give me a fake smile; i wanted to just leave
they ended up making it about other people, inviting their family members because they were afraid of their own family drama TO MY BIRTHDAY. i swear the irritation i still feel until today when i replay every detail makes me mad
then my bf decided to take me out, with his friends, he saw i wasn’t enjoying so he wanted to change my environment but later at the bar we found ourselves in an altercation with an already drunk asshole; the night did not in fact lighten up
the people around me were drunk and happy on my birthday, i just felt completely defeated
no one would give me what i asked for a day in advanced and they spent my money on their own vices. i never wanted to run away so badly in all my adult life. i won’t lie, i wish i never planned to do anything at all and had just spent it alone
this and events following my birthday made me realize how my family’s dysfunction wasn’t as bad as i thought it to be, there are worst family systems and even dumber alcoholic adults in the world
now, i can look back and find the silver lining that these people will never get to know or even see me anymore; and that comes from giving me the worst birthday ever.
tangentwithtanner
gamechangershow
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2087
amandla
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