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@ask-an-asexual
welcome to ask an asexual!
it's what it says on the tin. whether you're ace yourself or allosexual and just curious, i'm open to all good-faith questions. questions go in the inbox please, not in reblogs or replies.
about the mod: they/them, identified as asexual for 10+ years, demiromantic, in a long-term monogamous romantic relationship
[open to all aspecs] since both the aro polls and the general aspec polls account are inactive*, should i expand this blog to also include polls about aromanticism?
yes
no
*if anyone knows of an aro or aspec polls blog that is still active, send me their way.
just over a day left on this poll!
[open to all aspecs] since both the aro polls and the general aspec polls account are inactive*, should i expand this blog to also include polls about aromanticism?
yes
no
*if anyone knows of an aro or aspec polls blog that is still active, send me their way.
hi. i'm a disabled enby who needs top surgery but can't work. dysphoria is actively ruining my life & i could use your support.
ways to support me:
donate to my GFM: https://gofund.me/3d2e4ed4e
buy from my shop: https://freakshop-2.creator-spring.com
subscribe to my pod: https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/misfitmedia/subscribe
i can also do random little things like digital drawing, mediocre audio/video editing, transcribing, doing some english/german translations.
please share 💜
if you want to make a difference for a trans ace this IAD, please consider donating to or sharing my top surgery fund 💜 https://gofund.me/7d14c4374
hi, my name is Delta, i'm a nonbinary transgender person fundraising for my top surgery. i have… Delta L needs your support for Help Del
happy international asexuality day!
a relationship can be both sexual and affected by asexuality.
help a fat multiply disabled enby get top surgery https://gofund.me/b98167e7a
hi, my name is Delta, i'm a nonbinary transgender person fundraising for my top surgery. i have… Delta L needs your support for Help Del
Starting off small: friendship isn’t inherently romantic
Getting bigger: living together isn’t inherently romantic
Even bigger: going on dates isn’t inherently romantic
Getting larger again: kissing isn’t inherently romantic
Oh my god is this too big: having sex isn’t inherently romantic
i don't even understand why that last part is so hard to understand considering how common casual sex is. or friends with benefits.
as a demiromantic asexual who is sex-favourable or whatever, sex and love have always felt so separate to me. i never understood the whole sex as the ultimate romantic union, the ultimate connection, the ultimate expression of love. for me it's literally just. i'm horny. you're horny. i trust you with my body, let's be horny together. yes, my romantic relationship to my partner means that i can trust him with my body but also romance or love aren't at all the reasons why i have sex.
if i wanna feel truly connected with my partner i'll ask for a cuddle. to me(!) that's way more romantic than sex.
Requested by critical-bug
just a handy little info chart on the spectrums of sexuality.
[ID: a poster that reads "These spectra are all different." Below are four arrows, up to down, each labeled with a different sexuality spectrum.
Sexual attraction
Top: allosexual - often experiences sexual attraction (a feeling of wanting to have sex with a specific person)
Middle: grey-asexual - rarely experiences sexual attraction
Bottom: asexual - never experiences sexual attraction
Notes for sexual attraction:
There are other types of attraction and corresponding spectra. See: romantic, platonic, aesthetic, sensual
Asexuality can shift over time. See: aceflux
Libido
Top: high libido - often or strongly experiences libido/sex drive (a feeling of wanting sex, but not directed at a specific person)
Bottom: low libido - rarely experiences libido
Notes for libido:
Libido can change greatly due to mental health, life circumstances, and various other factors
Sex favourability
Top: sex favourable - sex is appealing and enjoyable for them
Middle: sex indifferent - does not particularly like or dislike sex
Between middle and bottom: sex averse - dislikes sex and finds it not appealing
Bottom: sex repulsed - finds sex repulsive or disgusting
Notes for sex favourability:
There are other spectra of favourability. See: romance favourability, touch favourability
Sex favourability can depend on context. See: aegosexual
Sex favourability can shift over time. See: sex fluid
Sex positivity
Top: sex positive - believing that "sex is good and people can do what they want"
Middle: sex neutral - no particular stance on sex
Bottom: sex negative - believing that "sex is bad and sex should be restricted"
Notes for sex positivity:
The other spectra are about things the brain/body does. Sex positivity is about ideology
Any combination is possible. Now you know these things exist. If you want to learn more about something, look it up.
End ID]
Certified Sex Ed Post!
sexual attraction doesn't mean "wanting to have sex with a specific person".
there are many reasons other than sexual attraction someone might want to have sex with a specific person.
this is the exact kind of rhetoric that had me confused about my place on the asexual spectrum, because surely if i want to have sex with my partner specifically, i must really be demisexual.
well, turns out, i'm still not sexually attracted to him. i just want to have sex sometimes and of course i'm gonna wanna do it with the person i trust the most. this is not sexual attraction.
sexual attraction is not only directed at, but also caused by a specific person. it's also not quite "sexual desire but for a specific person" because you can have attraction without desire. sexual attraction is more like an impulse to be sexual that is caused by and directed at a specific person.
and this is something i don't have. i don't experience sexual attraction. i do sometimes have sexual desire though and as a sex-indifferent-to-favourable person, i project this desire onto a specific person - my partner. desire can be person-specific without it being attraction, because when i have sexual desire, i wouldn't go with a random person i don't trust.
defining sexual attraction as sexual desire for a specific person (and defining attraction as a kind of desire in general) leaves out so many experiences of libidoist and/or sex-favourable black stripe aces, or literally anyone who has ever experienced attraction without the desire to act on it (which is probably close to everyone who experiences attraction).
just a handy little info chart on the spectrums of sexuality.
[ID: a poster that reads "These spectra are all different." Below are four arrows, up to down, each labeled with a different sexuality spectrum.
Sexual attraction
Top: allosexual - often experiences sexual attraction (a feeling of wanting to have sex with a specific person)
Middle: grey-asexual - rarely experiences sexual attraction
Bottom: asexual - never experiences sexual attraction
Notes for sexual attraction:
There are other types of attraction and corresponding spectra. See: romantic, platonic, aesthetic, sensual
Asexuality can shift over time. See: aceflux
Libido
Top: high libido - often or strongly experiences libido/sex drive (a feeling of wanting sex, but not directed at a specific person)
Bottom: low libido - rarely experiences libido
Notes for libido:
Libido can change greatly due to mental health, life circumstances, and various other factors
Sex favourability
Top: sex favourable - sex is appealing and enjoyable for them
Middle: sex indifferent - does not particularly like or dislike sex
Between middle and bottom: sex averse - dislikes sex and finds it not appealing
Bottom: sex repulsed - finds sex repulsive or disgusting
Notes for sex favourability:
There are other spectra of favourability. See: romance favourability, touch favourability
Sex favourability can depend on context. See: aegosexual
Sex favourability can shift over time. See: sex fluid
Sex positivity
Top: sex positive - believing that "sex is good and people can do what they want"
Middle: sex neutral - no particular stance on sex
Bottom: sex negative - believing that "sex is bad and sex should be restricted"
Notes for sex positivity:
The other spectra are about things the brain/body does. Sex positivity is about ideology
Any combination is possible. Now you know these things exist. If you want to learn more about something, look it up.
End ID]
Certified Sex Ed Post!
sexual attraction doesn't mean "wanting to have sex with a specific person".
there are many reasons other than sexual attraction someone might want to have sex with a specific person.
this is the exact kind of rhetoric that had me confused about my place on the asexual spectrum, because surely if i want to have sex with my partner specifically, i must really be demisexual.
well, turns out, i'm still not sexually attracted to him. i just want to have sex sometimes and of course i'm gonna wanna do it with the person i trust the most. this is not sexual attraction.
sexual attraction is not only directed at, but also caused by a specific person. it's also not quite "sexual desire but for a specific person" because you can have attraction without desire. sexual attraction is more like an impulse to be sexual that is caused by and directed at a specific person.
and this is something i don't have. i don't experience sexual attraction. i do sometimes have sexual desire though and as a sex-indifferent-to-favourable person, i project this desire onto a specific person - my partner. desire can be person-specific without it being attraction, because when i have sexual desire, i wouldn't go with a random person i don't trust.
defining sexual attraction as sexual desire for a specific person (and defining attraction as a kind of desire in general) leaves out so many experiences of libidoist and/or sex-favourable black stripe aces, or literally anyone who has ever experienced attraction without the desire to act on it (which is probably close to everyone who experiences attraction).
Questioning My Label
Ok so in the last two years I came to identify as aroace. I realized the people I would have considered crushes were simply people I could recognize their attractiveness and personality not that I was actually attracted TO them. So I settled with the terms sex repulsed aroace and that felt comfortable and right.
I came out to my parents last year in the spring and talked with them about what that might mean my life would look like. However, I recently met someone two months ago who I got to know quite well, I knew they liked me and had many people encouraging the beginnings of a relationship I was convinced I’d never be interested in. But as I got to know them I really did start to feel attracted to them romantically but not sexually, and at this point I hadn’t even taken in what they looked like. Anyway the more time we spent together the more I liked them noticed their presence and appearance in a way I never have with anyone. We’ve now been on some dates and are beginning to see what a relationship might look like, I’ve never felt this way.
It’s both exciting and invalidating because now everyone I came out to has been all over the classic “you just had to find the right person and understand now that your older. ” I really do like them though, I get butterflies and I miss them so much my stomach hurts and I have the desire to hold their hand and maybe kiss and all of this is something I’ve never experienced.
so all that said I don’t know what my label is anymore and it’s frustrating because I just felt settled in it. So any advice on how to process what my identity might be? Or what labels sound like whatever this is? Because I’m definitely not allo but I have no clue what other aspec identities might fit and describe me.
i'm a demiromantic ace and i kind of experienced this. i always pictured myself growing old alone, all the "crushes" i thought i had were actually either squished or my traumatised brain trying to latch on to people. only when i met and got to know my partner was i actually interested in a relationship. as a grey aro, if can sometimes feel like you're proving the "you just haven't found the right person yet" people right, but that's not what it is. only having one crush in so many years, possibly your entire life is still an aro experience. not having a crush until the age of 17 or 18 (this happened to me) is still an aro experience - just look at how often allo teens crush on people from the time they're like 11.
you didn't lie to people or betray anyone by coming out as aroace. it's very likely you're still aroace, just on another place on the aro spectrum than you previously thought.
LGBTQ+ folk what was your gender/sexuality pipeline?
straight person who feels broken -> heteroromantic asexual -> heteroromantic fraysexual?? -> heteroromantic demisexual??? -> heteroromantic asexual -> androromantic asexual -> panromantic asexual -> panromantic greysexual/quoisexual -> biromantic asexual -> bi asexual -> bisexual -> bi greyromantic asexual -> bi aroace -> bi/pan/omni/whatever quoiromantic asexual -> bi asexual -> bi demiromantic asexual
TO ALL AROACES:
Do you regularly engage in both sexual* and romantic** relationships/activities?
Yes
No
Only sexual, not romantic
Only romantic, not sexual
*Includes online interactions and sex work
**Amatonormative romance, conforming to typical ideals of romantic partnership
I’m an aroace guy trying to take a census of how many of us are sexually/romantically active vs not. Please reblog to increase reach!
demiromantic ace, partnering. sometimes has sex. not really that amatonormative though due to my lack of sexual attraction and my sex-indifference.
Aces who don't experience sexual attraction, what do you call yourself?
Asexual
Fully asexual
Strictly asexual
No-attraction asexual
Black stripe asexual
Other
see results
asexual/ace for the most part. if i feel the need to specify i use black stripe ace or something like zero attraction ace depending on my audience.
