Ask Kat

Answers and advice from Kat, the author of Transparenting

[urmyfamily]

Please help my sister

As you can already guess by the photo my sister is handicapped. Actually she is ten years older than me and she was born as a healthy cute child. We were born in Romania and she was born 1988. So in that time the medical treatment wasn't good at all in Romania. She became ill when she was about a few months old and my mother brought her to the hospital. There she got even more sick because she got infected with salmonellae! Unfortunately the doctors honestly didn't treat her accordingly without bribery. But my mother didn't have money at all at that time. So she could not afford it to pay the doctors more money... Please believe me that the doctors didn't care that much to help. They even treated her the wrong way and gave her a syringe in the wrong place in the spinal column which made her condition even worse. They said she might die but if she survived she will be 100% psychological handicapped. One doctor even told my mother that she should leave the hospital and my sister so that she would die! Because who would want a child that will be handicapped. Well thanks god my mother loves all her children and she didn't abandoned my sister. She staid with her and prayed for her that she will survive. Luckily she really did survive! If you are wondering where my father was, he was working in the army to provide our family with money to live. That was the only possibility for him at that time to have a job with a guaranteed loan. The sad part was that he was almost never home so I we didn't have a chance to know him that good.... But honestly I wasn't that sad bc he was a very strict father who was not afraid of beating his children and wife when he felt like it....

So our story continues. My mother did everything for my sister to grow her up. She is behaving like a little child and she can't talk much. Furthermore she slowly gehts problem with Walking and using her hands. They become.... I don't know how else to put it but they seem to become stiff. Despite that in society she was still treated badly because she was handicapped.... All people looked strangely at her, talk behind her back, point fingers at her even insult her! And yes even now people still do this bs!!!! What else could my mother do than keep her as often as she can at home and never leave her alone. Nobody of the rest of the family helped. They thought she was cursed or possessed by a demon..... As you can imagine she had a sad and lonely childhood.

10 years later I was born and my mother told me my sister was so happy she cried when I was borne. She also told me my sister was always with and never left my side. I personally remember that I always played and had fun with her. My mother started to teach me how to take care of her when I was a very small child. It was really hard to take care of her when I was only 4 or 5 years old. In that time I wasn't able to comprehend the need of me taking care of her but I still did as I was told.

Please have mercy with me but my family is really suffering from poverty since my father is gone. We of course had to pay for the funeral and this is in general not cheap.... Also we had to pay for repairing the

So in 2018 I moved to Germany. I found a job as a waitress and my dream is to study here one day. I miss my family so so much especially my sister. It was the hardest decision in my life so far to leave my mother and sister behind. My mother kept begging my to leave so that I can live a better life and maybe one day even earn enough money to help them financially. In the end I took my chance hoping that one day I will earn enough money to help my sister and mother.

This year my father died. He died because of drinking while driving. Alcohol was his biggest love in his life and he took every chance to drink. Don't take it the wrong way but thank God he was the only one who got involved. Naturally we were and still are very sad and mourning that this happened.... He was still our father and a husband.

So to come to my point: I really need to help my sister. Honestly I absolutely don't earn yet enough money so that they are able to live a comfortable life. Also Simona (my sister) is becoming more and more sick. I really do wish to bring them to Germany even if it's only for a short time, I feel like I need to bring her to a German doctor. They medical system and doctors are so much better here and I am convinced that Simona will be treated better here. I'd do anything for my sister so here I am begging you to help me get here to a good doctor. Please even one Euro /dollar will help me out! she is really the kindest soul on this earth and she really deserves an easier life.... So please help if you can! Even spreading my story will also help!

Thanks a ton to everyone who is willing to help!!!

[toosummersago]

SIGNAL BOOST!!

Hey Everyone!

A friend of mine recently had a devastating blow. Her entire bathroom flooded and the room had to be torn out.

Right now she’s living at home with her elderly mother after recent surgery so really needs help and can’t afford to lack hygiene trying to keep her wounds clean etc.

Please guys, if you could give anything at all it would be greatly appreciated.

If you can’t give anything, can you please share so we can get this as much attention as possible.

https://www.gofundme.com/mother039s-bathroom-water-damage

[ask-kat]

A friend asked for a signal boost here.

[ask-kat]

I'm a trans man with an elementary aged child and I'm having a really difficult time as a parent. My family lives in a conservative area and it's hard for me to believe it's okay to teach my kid about gender the way that my husband and I do - that there's nothing wrong with being trans and nonbinary, a lot of different ways to experience gender or not, and that they're not limited to a boy or girl in the way that's expected. Do you have any words of advice as another trans parent?

Big hugs to you. Parenting is difficult stuff, even without these extra layers; and unfortunately in this current climate in particular it’s especially challenging for trans and non-binary parents on a lot of levels.

You know, I know, but let me just reiterate - there is absolutely nothing wrong with being trans or non-binary and teaching your child about that is equipping them to better understand themselves (no matter how they identify!) and to relate to a whole range of people and identities. Keep talking to your kiddo about your experiences and perspectives on gender and identity.

But the most important thing that you can do, especially if you live in a conservative area, and especially in our current environment, is to surround yourself with as much support as you can. I’ve been really fortunate in the level of support I’ve had from my partner, family, friends, etc.; and I recognize that is (unfortunately) not the norm. But I’d encourage you to find and/or build that community of people around you. It’d be doubly great if some of those people in that circle were parents of your child’s friends (or even just parents of similarly aged children more generally). I haven’t asked my own kids specifically about it, but I think it means a great deal for kids to see other adults interacting with our family in positive, affirming, and even just boring-ass normal ways and just seeing us for who we are. Your child is going to get lots of positive modeling and learning at home, but getting that additional level of social support and reinforcement is a big deal. And it gives you an additional group of people to go to if you run into challenges because of your community.

Beyond that, I think the best advice is just to be honest, to be proud of who you are, and to keep teaching your child what you know is best. They’re going to turn out better for it.

[ask-kat]

Hi Kat, I hope you're doing well. I just started a new job and, while I'm excited about the financial stability it will bring, my anxiety is really acting up - enough that it is making it notably harder for me to be productive at work, and close to impossible for me to get anything like laundry, cooking, etc. done at home. I think that my anxiety levels should drop back to normal as I learn the role, but I am having trouble managing right now. Any advice you have is greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Congrats on the new job (and the good things it may bring)!

Starting a new thing - even if you are totally prepared/qualified/etc. - can be stressful; even if that new thing is going to be good for you! And those first couple of days/weeks/months in a new job are always the worst for creating feelings of uncertainty. So yeah, it makes total sense that your anxiety is on the upswing; but sorry to hear that anyway.

I don’t know exactly how you function, but I know that for my partner (who also deals with anxiety) having a plan is often the best way to help work through some of that. Does your new position have a formal onboarding/training schedule? Do you have a clear daily task list? Are there ways that you can organize your day to give it a little more structure? All of those could be helpful ways to give you a greater sense of order and control which might help you feel a little calmer about the new role.

I think it’s also really important to have some kind of routine of coming/going to work that allows you to set work aside and clear your mind. For me, that’s sort of built in with my long commute. I listen to music or sometimes the news (the latter of which is probably anxiety inducing), and try and not think at all about work for the first half of the drive in or the last half of the drive home. I also generally do a good job of trying not to answer/read any work emails outside of work hours. Sometimes it’s a necessity, but I try not to make it a habit.

Beyond that, I think it’s always helpful to have a professional mentor. It could be someone in your workplace or another person you know who you can bounce questions off of, and seek advice/support from. It’s especially of benefit if you’re new to a particular career; but at all points in my own job path I’ve had really good conversations with various mentors that have helped to solidify decisions or push me in new directions when I’ve felt stuck or confused.

Best of luck to you with the new job, you’re going to be awesome!

[ask-kat]

I came out to my partner as non binary recently, and he is being really supportive. But I think we are both a bit stressed about the lack of media/visibility about couples that stay together after one person comes out (I guess it doesn't make for an exciting story). How did/do you and Navyy navigate this? Do you know of any other positive blogs/people/media?

That’s awesome that your partner is being supportive!

I totally get you about the lack of visibility/voices/narratives of couples who stay together through the coming out process. When I first was working through this process, Helen Boyd’s books and the My Husband Betty boards were really helpful to me (though they may feel more dated now, not sure, it’s been a little while since I revisited them). That helped me to gain some confidence in how I wanted to approach things, and from there it’s just been a lot of conversations, and then patience as we both navigate this, and then more conversations, and then some more. It’s definitely not always easy, but it’s been well worth it.

I do know some other trans folks (personally) who stayed together after coming out, but there aren’t a ton of blogs/resources that I follow closely right now dealing with that relationship portion of things and couples that stay together. As you said it tends to be less dramatic of a news story, so it doesn’t get as much media coverage - for better or worse.

These stories are important, though, and it’s been really valuable for me to get perspectives from other couples (and from various perspectives within those relationships) on how to navigate this stuff. And I will say, it’s been heartening to see how that has evolved - and how many trans/genderqueer/non-binary folks are open and out well before they’re even entering into relationships.

I recently picked up Love Always, which came out a year or two ago, just haven’t gotten around to reading it yet. I’ll try and write something up on it when I get to it.

Hope things continue to go well for you and your partner. Happy to offer whatever advice I can.

[ask-kat]

Kat, I feel like my masters program gave me no marketable skills and I don't know how to find jobs that are willing to teach me what I'll need to know to be good at them... everything seems very bleak. feeling very doubtful that life will ever be good

Big hugs, sorry to hear that. Looking for jobs, at least in my experience, has been a really draining process. Hope things improve for you soon on that front.

When I first graduated from college I had every intention of becoming a teacher. Seemed like a great fit and a safe job field to go into. I completed my program, did my student teaching, got a temp job as a substitute paraprofessional and then applied to a bunch of jobs in a couple of different states. Then, *crickets*. It probably didn’t help that I finished my schooling in 2008...right at the height of the Great Recession, but it was a really disheartening experience. After a couple of gigs of various types in the education world, I eventually got a call back from a former boss in college and made my way into the higher education administration work that I’m doing now. It’s never what I had planned on for a career, but I’ve been doing it for more than 7 years in various positions. 

I don’t know what you’re looking for or where you’re looking, but I’d encourage you to do three things: (1) make some connections: get yourself some informational interviews, talk to people in jobs that seem like they’d be a reasonable fit for your skills, and ask for advice. It may seem tedious, but it does pay off. (2) broaden: apply to jobs in neighboring fields, in a wider set of geographic areas, or in things where you have an interest but maybe not as much direct experience. My colleague at work had no direct experience in our field, but had a bunch of related skills and is a great fit for the work we do. (3) be kind to yourself: job searching is soul-sucking, and it pretty much is all letdowns until you actually land that position. Don’t just grind out applications, take some time to relax, sleep, care for yourself, etc. your applications and interviews will be that much better because of it.

Good luck to you, life will get better (I say that having gone through at least a handful of seemingly endless job searches).

[ask-kat]

Haven't seen any mention of it on your main blog, so I wanted to ask if you're aware of HB/HR 2796 (The Civil Rights Uniformity Act of 2017). Simply put, it's a proposed bill sitting in Congress that would make discrimination against transgender people legal (unless expressly stated in future legislation) and set a precedent that Congress is allowed to determine who does and does not have Civil Rights protections. It's been flying under the radar from what I can tell.

I made the briefest mention of it in this post, but I haven’t given it any other coverage beyond that. That’s mainly because I don’t think it’s likely that it will actually make it out of committee (let alone become law).

It’s a terrible piece of legislation, absolutely. While it wouldn’t legalize discrimination, it would prevent federal protections for sex/gender from being interpreted broadly to include LGBTQ+ identities as well. Obviously that’s bad news for trans folks (among others). As things currently stand, that’s still not a settled legal question (that’s in part what was at stake in the Gavin Grimm case).

But what this legislation, and the continued debate over things like Title IX makes clear is that we do have a need for comprehensive federal anti-discrimination legislation. That’s the best, and clearest, way to ensure LGBTQ+ folks are protected. Unfortunately the chance of that passing in this current congress is probably even slimmer than this discriminatory bill. That’s part of the reason why flipping congress is so important in 2018.

In the meantime, I’m keeping an eye on 2796 and will definitely be vocal if it starts to move forward in a meaningful way.

[ask-kat]

So I recently got evicted from the place I'm renting (for illegal reasons but whatever), and may have to live in my car/shelters/someone's couch for a month until I move to another city when school is done. Any suggestions for how to make getting through August a bit easier for myself?

I’m sorry that happened to you.

First, while you may not want to pursue any legal action around it, if you feel up to it I would encourage you to share your eviction experience either with local authorities or advocacy groups in the area. It’s always important to collect information (even anecdotally) about housing discrimination.

I don’t know what your school or community situation is, but if you’re at a college with housing, you may want to reach out and see if they can house you on a temporary basis. If not, they may be able to put you in contact with other services offering temporary living options. You could also reach out to other local community support groups and/or religious organizations that can either directly provide or point you to housing opportunities.

Otherwise, I’d strongly encourage you to line up as many friends as you can in advance of when you need things. You could see if some folks need a house/pet sitter for part of the time, or if you can just crash on someone’s couch for a few days. While I know people manage things living out of their car, I hope it’s not what you have to resort to - especially if you are still in the process of finishing up some schooling.

Best of luck to you, I’m sure this has been a stressful experience. Hope it can all get worked out soon.

[ask-kat]

Hi Kat, so my parents (especially my dad) have been manipulating me since I can remember (not letting me maintain friendships, making me feel bad about everything, making it so that i can't really do anything.) I think that's the reason why ive been having maladaptive daydreams really intensely most of my life. This is a situation I can't really escape (for obvious reasons) Do you have any advise on how to stop MDD? I feel like its preventing me from being a real person

I am so sorry that your parents have been engaging in manipulative behavior. I’m not a psychologist, nor do I have personal experience with maladaptive daydreams, and it strikes me that this is the sort of thing best addressed by a professional who can really help you work through. So my major piece of advice would be to seek out the support of a therapist who can help you work through some of this and give you some strategies for helping to manage the challenges you’re facing from your parents.

Now, that (unfortunately) may feel a little daunting, particularly if you do not have a great relationship with your parents. But I’d encourage you, if you can, to try and ask (and you don’t necessarily need to tell them the full reason why - you could just cite stress, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, etc.).

If seeking professional help isn’t feasible, my best recommendation would be to try a combination of meditation and journaling. Mindful meditation can be a great way to lower your overall stress/anxiety levels and give yourself tools for dealing with intrusive thoughts. Journaling might give you a (private) outlet for some of the things you’re dealing with and by writing things down that can sometimes help to externalize those thoughts that get stuck in your head. It might not solve everything, but it can’t hurt. And of course, as best you can, I’m always a proponent of good sleep/exercise/eating habits/hydration.

Trying to shift your parents’ behavior may be challenging, but as you get older and have more independence, you’ll have more opportunities to carve out space and control over these things which will hopefully ease this situation. In the meantime, I hope you can find the tools and support you need to cope with a challenging situation.

Hugs.

[ask-kat]

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Hi I'm Mel, my birth name was Melissa but ever since I was younger I knew that name wasn't for me. Around the age of 5 I noticed I was not like everyone else. I had a crush on a girl, although I denied it all the way to the age of 13 I knew I always liked girls. Apart from that part of my life, I...

A follower asked me to share out a Gofundme for their friend who is raising funds for top surgery. Please help out with your support and/or a share!

[ask-kat]

My fiancée (trans woman) and I (cis woman) are getting married this year. Her dysphoria is making it really hard for her to pick out a wedding dress. She's told me that she feels like she'll look like a fool. She definitely wants to wear a dress, though. There's only so much I can do or say as a cis woman, and I was hoping you could provide some insight for me or advice that I can pass on to her.

Congrats on the impending wedding! Sorry to hear that your fiancee is struggling with this part of things.

Wedding attire shopping can be stressful enough on its own, dysphoria only further complicates things. And unfortunately, while I’m sure you’re being an enthusiastic supporter of your fiancee, sometimes that’s just not enough to overcome that internal struggle. 

Your fiancee is going to wear a dress, and I think we can both agree she’s going to look beautiful in it, so it’s really just about getting her to make the leap and go out and get one. If you can, my advice is to lean on some friends/supportive family/allies. 

Get a small group of close, trusted, awesome people together and have them take your fiancee out to pick out a dress. (You could of course go along too, but I know a lot of people want that piece of things to be a surprise). Work with those folks to be super-complimentary/supportive, call ahead to stores and make sure you have awesome people on board to work with her, and plan fun stuff around the whole thing to make it a great day. If you’re planning to get it online or some other route, adjust accordingly, but either way, make it a really supportive group venture that lets her know that a bunch of people think she deserves to feel really good about the dress she’ll wear.

Beyond that, just keep reminding her that she’s beautiful, and that you can’t wait to see her looking super-lovely on your wedding day. Hopefully with enough love and support from all corners, she’ll feel enough confidence to enjoy your big day without that cloud of dysphoria hovering around.

Best wishes to you both!

[ask-kat]

Hi. How do you explain gender to Minky? My (presumably) son is 3 and has started saying he is a big girl (he's just moved to a big bed, toilet trained. It comes up in the context that he's proud of not being a baby). I don't correct him but he's 3 so asks why a lot. So I'm waiting for a question aboutabout why is a boy a boy etc. I won't use stereotypes and now I'm worried about explaining t on sex as well. Just wondering how you tackled that in an age appropriat manner? Thanks!

From what I know about child development and theories on when kids start to develop an internal sense of gender most kiddos seem to start figuring this stuff out between about age 3-5. Some of that may just be about language articulation, but it’s also just an age range where sorting and categories are really important for kids so I think you’re right in expecting that he’s going to start asking those “why” questions about gender himself.

Sex, gender, and sexuality are all pretty complex concepts. And I would argue that many adults don’t understand them well, but I think they can all be explained to kids in ways that are age appropriate and still nuanced. I’ve had plenty of these conversations over the years with Minky ranging from simple to complex, so hopefully I can offer a little insight.

A good starting point might be What Makes a Baby. It’s an excellent overview of...what makes a baby, and a good entry to talk about bodies and chromosomes (without being gendered or stereotypical in its descriptions) - which can then lead into a conversation about how doctors assign a sex to us. The social part of sex/gender is a little more complicated but you can talk about how different people feel and understand gender differently. I always talk to Minky about how I don’t feel like a boy, and sometimes we talk about different people he knows or characters in books and ask those sorts of questions. Introducing Teddy gets at that self-identity piece pretty well, but frequently I just ask him - what do you feel like? And then we talk about how that fits in to our world and how there are certain things that are easier or more challenging for boys and girls and everyone else. Often the conversations are just spurred by something that comes up (ie. we had a conversation about fathers on father’s day and why I don’t identify as a dad). And we’ve frequently discussed some of the gendered stereotypes and issues of sexism (obviously at a level he can understand and grasp).What I think is most interesting is that often the “why” questions kids ask about gender get at exactly the sort of really complicated issues. And when we’re struggling with answers it’s precisely because these things aren’t as simple or fixed as we want them to be. Why do many girls have long hair? Why have all our presidents been men? Why do we think pink is a “girl” color? etc. etc. That’s fantastic.More than anything else, continue to foster that curiosity!

[ask-kat]

My husbands family is older, catholic, conservative. Recently our nephew (age 18) came out as transman. Family has been loving (which is great) but the older folks don't understand. I don't want nephew to have the emotional work of educating the whole family. I'd like to find some books that I can send to nephews dad and nana. I'd also like to buy nephew a good safe brand of binder & include safety info. (He's already binding & on T) what brands are good? Can you post for followers input?

Glad to hear that your nephew has been getting some good love/support from your husband’s family! While people don’t always “get” the trans thing right away, if their first instinct is love that’s a huge deal.

On the book front, I think the best sort of “classic” transition narrative that I’ve read is Jennifer Finney Boylan’s “She’s Not There.” It’s not my favorite trans narrative (that’d be Redefining Realness), but Boylan is a good writer, and for older more conservative folks I think it would do a pretty good job of creating a more relatable/understandable story of transness. I’m not sure there’s a good transmasculine analogue, but maybe my readers have some good suggestions? I’ve also heard generally good things about the Gender Revolution program (though I haven’t watched it myself) if they would be open to viewing something.

As for the binders, I’m no expert, but I know folks have recommended gc2b as relatively inexpensive and functional. Anybody else have any suggestions?

Best wishes to your nephew!

[ask-kat]

I recently started school (veterinary assistant~) and working part time, but I'm struggling to balance work, class time/homework, and a semblance of a social life. On top of that, I'm trying to manage mental health stuff (dysphoria, ptsd, anxiety/depression) and general life stuff (laundry, groceries, cooking, etc). I was wondering if you had any suggestions for reducing stress and/or balancing things more effectively?

Balance is important, balance is sometimes hard to find!

I don’t know what your daily patterns are like, but my first recommendation would always be: try and get on a (fairly) regular sleep routine and make sure you’re eating/hydrating. While my sleep has been all over the place this past year (thanks baby!), I know that I function best when I have a pretty regular bedtime and get in at least a 6 hour stretch of sleep in a night. School/homework/life can easily get in the way, but try and make that a priority. Trust me, it’s worth it.

On the mental health front, I certainly hope that you have a therapist you can see regularly. If not, that might be a great place to start. Things like exercise, mindfulness practices, meditation, and devoted self-care time are all good things to consider as well if you’re not already engaging in them. Each week I try and cut out at least one night where after the kids go down I don’t do anything else around the house and can focus purely on myself and doing something for me - listening to some music, reading a book, taking a bath, painting my nails, etc. etc.

There are a lot of ways to try and organize your life and find time/balance/stability, and you’ll know best what structure (or lack thereof) works best for you. What’s most important is that you’re making a conscious effort to find that balance, and devoting regular time to caring for yourself even while your busy with all of the other stuff in your life. There have been times in my life where other priorities (see again: baby) have made it harder for me to keep on a good routine, but building good habits serves you well even if you have to make some short-term adjustments for things like the end of semester at your school.

Good luck to you!

[brokeassfeminist]

Click here to support IVF Fund for Disabled Queer Couple by Red Leclerc

We are Red and Jenn, and in the nine years we've known each other, five of which have been together, we've built a unique life, been through hell and back, and become each other's family. Now, we want to extend our family. We want to be parents. But we've got a lot of obstacles in our way when it...

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[ask-kat]

My parents are making me do conversion therapy, but I don't think they really understand how bad it is. I've tried telling them how much it's hurting me, by my dad just keeps saying that i'm just upset because I "don't get to be gay anymore." Any advice on how to make them understand?

I am so sorry you are dealing with that from your parents.

First of all, conversion therapy has been denounced by all the major medical and psychological organizations in the US. Here is the APA (American Psychological Association) statement on the topic:

Psychotherapeutic modalities to convert or “repair” homosexuality are based on developmental theories whose scientific validity is questionable. Furthermore, anecdotal reports of “cures” are counterbalanced by anecdotal claims of psychological harm. In the last four decades, “reparative” therapists have not produced any rigorous scientific research to substantiate their claims of cure. Until there is such research available, [the American Psychiatric Association] recommends that ethical practitioners refrain from attempts to change individuals’ sexual orientation, keeping in mind the medical dictum to first, do no harm.

There’s also the apologies of Dr. Robert Spitzer - whose work was long used to justify the practices - and the former president of Exodus International which closed after his apology. Recently 20/20 ran an expose on the practice...and that’s just scratching the surface of testimonials from people who confirm that conversion therapy is not effective and can often be harmful to those who undergo it. And while still legal in many states, conversion therapy is banned in at least 5 states (some other municipalities may have laws addressing it as well).

The evidence against the practice is overwhelming.

Unfortunately your dad is probably committed to this not because of evidence, but because of belief. That’s a much harder position to change. But ultimately it’s your parents who are going to have to accept your sexuality or miss out on being a part of your life in the future.

In the short term, I think your primary goal should be to stay safe. If there is physical harm or abuse going on, please consider seeking the help of the authorities. No matter what, document what you are undergoing, and if you struggling please reach out to something like The Trevor Project. If you feel safe in continuing to challenge your parents on this, try and present the overwhelming evidence along with your (as calm as you can be) explanation sharing that this “therapy” is doing nothing to help or change you. If you do not feel safe, just keep quiet for now, and know that this is not something you will have to endure forever. Look for online support groups if you think that might be helpful, and know that your identity is very much valid.

Big hugs to you.

[ask-kat]

To the nb anon: I'm nb too, but I really only figured it out after my 2nd kid was born, so it's pretty much too late now to change any names for myself in this respect. And I personally am ok with being called "Mama" (German), as it feels more like a given name than a definition - being addressed formally as "frau" is so much worse. What I mean to say is that you still have the chance to sort of carve out your new identity and new name as a parent, and your child will love you no matter what :)

Just passing this forward, for my previous asker.