Love is Lord of All

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Focus Please

I don’t really follow a whole lot of news because I am too empathic and sensitive and passionate and unable to do anything about it right now. But every once in a while I catch wind of some things. I heard that Kim Kardashian posted about how poor people need to get off “their lazy asses and get to work.” But when I went to look it up all she said was that women need to work harder. Now she is getting blasted all over social media for it. First and foremost, I am not condoning what she said because I don’t believe in blanket statements. I believe in situational awareness. This is not a post about “poor Kim Kardashian” because I don’t feel sorry for her like that. What I do feel sorry for is this societal disconnect. Kim was raised privileged for sure but what does that even mean? I grew up rich too. It was not fun. People were always calling me a snob because I had money (even though I am not a snob and am one of the more humble people you will ever meet) and we were always getting hit up for money because of other people’s drug addictions and time wasting. I was pressured to live up to a certain image and maintain it. Do you think that is easy?

Both sides of this coin suck. The only people who I have ever met who are truly happy are people who are living in the middle. The Middle Class. We should all strive to be like that. Not needing too much but not being so poor you can’t enjoy life. I recall a time where I thought poor people needed to work harder. But that was my sociopath father teaching me how to be a narcissist. But I grew up and realized it is not “poor” people who need to work harder. It is not “women” who need to work harder. It is humanity as a whole who needs to work harder on connecting with each other and not making things out to be worse than they are. Have you ever watched Kim’s show? She is the most stable out of ALL of them if that tells you anything at all. Count your blessings. She could be a pedophile that harms little kids. But your blowing her up for having a disconnected opinion. Last I checked, if I had a disconnected opinion about someone, I wouldn’t be getting blown up by the worlds social media and be blasted in public for it. Do you even know what that kind of pressure is like? I can only imagine and even imagining it is scary. She is actually living it. So if blasting people on social media was going to work, don’t you think it would have worked already? Learn to love each other, stop blasting each other. Focus on the people who REALLY deserve it, like pedophiles. Blast THEIR asses please cuz we can’t hear you!!!!

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Lost In Time

Chapter 6 - Jorath’s Journey

The lights began to fractal out like webs amidst a sea of mist and fog. Jorath looked onward as the strange world began to take shape around him. Jorath was taken aback by a large dragon-looking shape suspended in this space absent of gravity and sanity. This dragon form moved like a sea snake, unbound by weight and even the mere confines of reality or dreams. His skin changed colors and textures infinitely. It was difficult for Jorath’s vision to organize the overwhelming size and movements.

“Where am I? What are you?” He said wearily to the Dragon, seemingly the only other thing in existence there with him. “Why can’t I see myself? Where are my hands? Where is Genivia?” The dragon moved through the space, disappeared into the distance and quickly reappeared suddenly filling Jorath’s entire view of the space. It was confusing. He felt like he was a part of the beast as he was looking at him. This is not something he had ever experienced before. Then fear took over him as he stared into the beast’s eyes. It suddenly hit him that he might be dead. This place didn’t make any sense. It didn’t look like he had landed on any planet. The atmosphere around him darkened and disappeared as his soul crumbled at the thought. He asked one more question as he desperately waits for a response of some sort from anywhere.

“Am I dead?” From out of seemingly nowhere Jorath hears a response:

“What is dead? You look alive to me!” “Who is that?! Where are you? Are you that Dragon thing? What is you’re name?”

“You can call me Baedra. I am your imagination. You just named me.” The voice spoke.

Jorath paused to think about that response for a minute. He had already felt a connection with the dragon so he figured the voice speaking was the dragon he saw earlier.

“What in the world of worlds is this place, Baedra? Where did you go? Please show yourself!” Baedra didn’t even hesitate before he filled the area again with his presence.

“We are living in your world, Jorath” Baedra excitedly explained. “What do you mean? I don’t even know what this place is. How can it be my world?” Out of seemingly nowhere a faint voice fills the void around them.

“Morning, I wake

I wanna sleep all day in the wake of you

In the wake of your, breath

Breathing in and out, so steadily

So steadily and silently, I stare,

Staring at this one brief moment that we share

Until the light of day casts a beam

And casts away our cares

And no longer will I be next to you

Belonging to the sun

No, not the moon

Awaiting the moment when you'll say

I'll see you soon

I'll see you soon…”

Jorath was frozen with wonder as the voice faded away coercing him to find a direction in this directionless place.

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I’ve introduced Baedra before but I wanted to recreate him into a full sized dragon instead of just his head. Baedra is a messenger of widsom, the weight of time and the eyes of navigation.

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My Pantheon

If you have been following me, then you know I am working on a story. It’s a bit of an epic and I am still trying to figure out how to deliver it. I have a synopsis written for every chapter and they are complete. They just need real details and character interactions. I’m not sure where else to start except for religion because I believe that any creature with a conscious ability to look withing itself and reach for a higher consciousness, would have some kind of religious or spiritual belief. Avera is a tiny planet that obits a dwarf sun and their intelligent beings believe in mostly only one God. They believe this God has 10 helpers called “S’vessels and they each have names. Their God S’var rules all of them and they believe that one person on their planet is a representative of that God. His name is Zudachum, the title of my story. I don’t have an image of him yet but he will be represented as a dark figure with a top hat and cane. The people of Kavos on the planet Oauvyss, however, see this kind of supreme god as simply spark of the beginning of all life and they call it Omen and is represented as a tree of life. Among this god, the Oauvyns also believe in other gods that help Omen achieve life as no one can achieve life to its full potential alone. Let me introduce you to the Triplets: “ As Omen's branches spread, life blossomed wild and uncontrolled. The branches grew so heavy that they almost couldn't bear their own weight. As time solved riddles, so too did the branches of Omen. Tiero walked among and pruned the beasts that blossomed in Omens arms. And thus the first hunt began. And with the snap of the first arrow life itself was slain and fell. Thus a second sister came to grab the lifeless corpse of the first hunt, cradled in her arms and lifted their souls to the next stage of life. Then, this god of death Tyrro gifted the bones to her third sister, Tarro who planted them in the earth to await another birth. The triplets of the great cycle of life constantly work to tame the life that stretches from the great Omen which binds all of Ouyavuss.“

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Jaguar Vector art by Me

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Virginity

Is such an abusive term in my opinion. How do you mark a man’s virginity? He can make himself cum before even having sex and there is no proof of his first intercourse. Yet a woman has a piece of skin that gets broken and changes her hormones forever. It seems this term is exclusive to woman. I don’t like it. Then there is the matter of age. If a woman breaks her skin before 18, men are facing all kinds of scrutiny. However if a woman sexually abuses a boy before 18, there is no proof. No broken skin to prove it. So that means corrupt mothers, aunts, sisters and cousins all over are getting away with it. I relate because my father molested me but he didn’t break my skin so there couldn’t be proof. So guys I totally relate to you not having proof of your own sexual abuse. It’s a hell of a position to be in. Forever silent. I lost my “virginity” when I was 18. But my father molested me by age 7 (from my memory anyway), so if we actually used the term virginity for ANY sexual advancement, not just the breaking of a woman’s skin, it would be considered losing virginity and I could say I lost my virginity by age 7. But I can’t. I can only say I lost my virginity by age 18. Which personally I think is a fine age. Alabama allows 40 year olds to date 16 year olds and get away with it. Makes me SICK. But our brains aren’t fully developed until 25-27. So none of us actually know what we are doing at that age but we are treated like it. I think it’s okay to have sex by age 18, without a doubt. We need to learn somehow. But if you are dating someone who is 18 and you are past your brain development age of 25-27, then I think it should be your FULL responsibility if anything goes wrong. That is just my opinion. My first time was amazing. It was with a guy who was 6 years older than me exactly. His name was Brandon Taylor. He had an alcohol problem so I didn’t stay with him but he was so nice to me. Guys, this is how you treat women who are just now learning how to have sex. He made sure I was ready. He asked me over and over again “are you sure, are you sure?” and I said yes so he went forward with it and it was amazing. No regrets even though we aren’t together today! He was a safe place for me to learn at the time and I appreciate that.

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Theory Time

I have this theory that a portion of the human race has legitimately evolved into an even higher consciousness than we had before. We have definitely evolved into different breeds since the dawn of consciousness and the evolution of man from ape. We are still able to mate within species though so I don’t believe we have evolved into a different species *from* each other. Well not yet... but I do think that it is possible in the far far future. Where do we draw those lines today, though? Man cannot mate with Ape, yet we evolved from there. A dog can still mate with a wolf though.  But some of these breeds express different talents of those genetics. For instance, if we compare a blood hound to a cattle dog: a blood hound can smell much better than a cattle dog and make unbelievable discoveries that the human just cannot make with their own biological function. But a cattle dog is much smarter than a blood hound and can think and make decisions on their own more independently which is more human like. Regardless of the level of consciousness, though, we still will not be able to mate with dogs. An octopus is another great example. They are so foreign in genetics to us yet they hold such an incredible level of emotional and logical intelligence. They can change their own skin to match their environment. I can’t do that! Nor can I mate with that and hope to create a more versatile human with more arms that can multi task. But boy wouldn’t that be nice! But I really do believe we are evolving to a higher consciousness than some of our other fellow human beings. I live in Alabama so I can see it better than most. There are a ton of poor underprivileged people here. It doesn’t mean they are untalented. It just means they are no cattle dog. Blood hounds would be a better fitting description for the people here. I consider myself to be pretty advanced. I’m not a genius but I am married to one. I think that qualifies me for being advanced. How else do you think I can get along with a genius? He is a CONSTANT challenge since he LOVES debate and LOVES to discuss theory all day long. I love it too but it’s a lot sometimes living with an intellectual. But I wouldn’t trade him for anything. He is amazing!  So with all of that being said. If you find yourself to be “above” these other breeds, you’re wrong. We all have our own talents to offer the world. I think the REAL higher conscious folk know this too. 

[aslaton8-blog]

Personality type: Protagonist (ENFJ-A)

Traits: Extraverted – 56%, Intuitive – 87%, Feeling – 59%, Judging – 61%, Assertive – 60%, Role: Diplomat, Strategy: People Mastery

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Life is but a Dream..

...when you live in my head all the time. 

I have a lot of stuff going on with me. I think yesterday morning I had my second seizure I’ve ever had in my life and I just had one not too long ago, like only a couple of years ago. I feel really out of it and cannot seem to stay present. I already have a long list of trauma responses. I don’t need anymore!!!! I was working on a project when I got apparently too excited for it. Overnight I slept longer than normal and woke up feeling the same as I did last time I woke up from a seizure with paramedics in my room. Ryan had found me seizing. But this time nobody found me. I just woke up and felt really out of it. I wasn’t really sure why and I was having depersonalization-derealization episodes every hour on the hour. So my husband and I decided to take a trip to the emergency room. The team at the emergency room decided to keep me overnight for a psych evaluation for the episodes. The Dr. came in this morning and prescribed me some medication that I have never taken before. Obviously this was an emergency prescription and not one with a full psych evaluation. So I’ve got to go back and make sure this is really right for me. Even after he gave me the drug, I still had a depersonalization-derealization episode but maybe it has to take time to build like some of the others. I don’t know but I’ve got work to do. 

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The Laws of Sin in a Demon Haunted World

First and foremost… I identify religiously as an agnostic atheist. I believe in creation… but I also believe we have some pretty big egos. To be theist, by definition, means believing in the personification of God. I don’t believe God is a “being”. I could believe maybe several beings rolled into one… I’ll take that over a male homo sapien telling me how to live my life and threatening damnation if I don’t listen to him. Sounds a lot like my father. He was an asshole who molested me and beat me up and played mind games with me just because he could. He was a sociopath. He had a horrible personality disorder that no one should have to ever suffer. So to think of this idea that there is some all loving PERSON out there that is in charge of all this is complete fairy-tale to me. Now I LOVE fairy-tales. I just don’t love when people cannot separate imagination from reality.

Though, lets not dismiss the power of the imagination so quickly either. Just because it is all in your head doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist… somewhere. Our imaginations are VERY REAL. They influence our decisions and our behaviors on a daily basis. I have woken up from bad dreams that have set my entire day off before. You’re imagination really shapes your reality. Religion is beautiful when it isn’t pressed upon other people. I think being an influence is much better than being a dictator.

I want to look specifically, though, at a strict list of rules that we have all agreed inhibit our growth. I like to look at religion as like a vote. It’s your vote for what you think is life. And well the majority have voted that these seven “deadly” sins we have studied in ourselves definitely affects our growth and success. If we all agree on this, then at some point… we could also recognize maybe it’s a law, like physics. Not a law that some man made up but one we have all noticed affects us and our well beings. Now, why would creation be aligned so that it could harm itself? Well I’ve never created a universe before so I guess it is what is it but I still wonder this all the time. I suggest Carl Sagan’s book called “Demon Haunted World” to help gain some insight on this philosophy.

Lust

Why isn’t it okay to lust after someone? Sex is so fun so why would this inhibit our growth? Well I don’t think it meant just being attracted to someone. Lust, in my opinion, is more akin to greed. From my understanding, it’s when your sexual attraction takes up you’re entire day and you don’t take care of your personal responsibilities. Lust is an exaggerated form of attraction. It’s like a negative emotion in us that causes us harm. If we take action on this emotion, it almost ALWAYS causes a problem.

Gluttony

I’ve never met an overindulgent person who was actually happy. These people hoard and cause environmental issues, they overeat and cause health issues and I don’t disagree that this should be considered a law of nature.  

Greed

Hoarding is a survival trait for the winter. Humans don’t need to “survive” the winter anymore. I guess not unless they have no shelter. So this coping response to our harsh environment has taken a hard swing since we haven’t really addressed some of these deep rooted traumas that we are coming out of from a hard fight against death. Now gluttony has become a selfish need to take from others to ensure your own survival. Though, I have watched an entire pack of Hyenas turn against their leader because of her greed. She wouldn’t let them eat and she was fat and happy. Meanwhile the rest of the dogs were starving and giving up. So by natural law, they turned on her and ate her.

Sloth

This one provokes another thought for me about time. Time is something scientists have found that can be measured and even affected by gravitational force. To be sloth, to me, means to not live within the time you are living. You only have so many years of your life. If you spend ten of them drinking yourself away and not improving yourself…you could be sinning against yourself. You will be living in your own hell so to speak. Like.. Actual hell. It’s really here… we do it to ourselves.

Wrath

This is one I struggle with constantly. My relatives are abusive and indulge in every law against nature that could exist. It’s like they are death incarnate. I believe strongly that if you don’t abide by this really nifty list of emotional boundaries we have discovered within ourselves, that you will cause yourself and others to live in hell. I don’t believe heaven and hell are places you go to when you die. I believe they exist here, based on our own choices and the echoes of those choices. People ask all the time “why me?” and the answer isn’t that simple, or maybe it is? Why you? Because you were there at the time that person or thing was hurting, that’s why. I don’t see any other reason other than that. So I say in order to create a heaven… we don’t give into the same nature that caused us that harm. EASIER SAID THAN DONE. I WOULD KNOW. I fantasize about my mother’s death all the time. About her third eye being shut forever so I don’t have to feel connected to it anymore. I legitimately hate her. So I DEFINITELY struggle with this one and let me tell you… it definitely inhibits growth for me. I find myself writing about these sins instead of writing about my fantasy epic that I want to complete. But I am uninspired. I’m vengeful. I’m upset. So I’m purging. The only thing I know how to do.

Envy

Envy is mostly self destructive. Again you spend more time focused on someone else’s life than your own and that can cause so much harm for your own growth and happiness. You’ll spend your entire life looking for someone else instead of yourself and you’ll stay lost trying to be all these other people. It is a self-destructive habit. You could say it is a demon. I would.

Pride

Well I think I already covered this one with religion. We have some huge egos. Being proud of yourself is one thing but arrogance is like the gluttony of pride. It is narcissistic personality disorder at its worst and it is the number one emotion in our way. We need our egos to survive and organize our individual beings but our egos are also a bit inflated when we think we know everything. That inhibits our growth. It’s like a law of nature.

DESIRE

I know this isn’t one of the 7 but I’ve noticed whenever I want something and I really feel like I have to have it, I will struggle to climb a mountain to obtain it. But when it is something I don’t really care that much about, it comes in abundance. Have you noticed that?  It feels like a law of nature. Like nature is trying to tell us what IT wants too. We have to live symbiotically and among one another so if what you want doesn’t vibe well with what someone else wants, you’re probably not going to get it.

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One More

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It’s Karaoke Time Bitches!!!!! Don’t ask me why. I’m just feeling spontaneous. 

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Live Rounds on Set

I am completely devastated to hear of recent tragedies that have affected every person involved. 

https://www.npr.org/2021/10/25/1048958712/alec-baldwin-halyna-hutchins-shooting

I have absolutely no say-so whatsoever on behalf of the victims’ families and how they choose to pursue justice on the matter and therefore hold no judgement over their decisions. But I do want to share how I personally feel I would handle a situation like this.  First, this is a tragedy that could have been prevented. Second, no matter how trained or professional humans are, humans are still capable of error. I tried to imagine if that way my daughter on set. Accomplished, young, just beginning her life. But I also try to look at the environment that caused her passing. Was it intentional or was it an accident. In this case it appears to be a complete accident. In the case of an accident I would not pursue a life for a life. I would pursue justice for future parties. I would hold current parties accountable by requesting that they never be able to handle a firearm for the rest of their lives. I would also pursue that future sets would require a no firearm rule, EVEN IF IT IS A PROP. With as much CGI as we have nowadays, we can do better than this. We can give a professionally trained person a weapon in a closed setting with no people around and a green screen. There should never be a live round on a set full of people PERIOD. This incident has already occurred in the past and there should have been clear regulations to prevent this MISTAKE from every happening again. But it happened again. So why don’t we LEARN from it? That is my opinion on the matter. I know the people who were involved are already suffering their mistake. I really don’t think they deserve more than that. 

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Afterlife?

This isn’t my story but maybe it is. It has been coming to me like a novel here in the last couple of years. “It is the song of a tale that happened long before I was born. Perhaps this person is connected to me in memories and in time. But their story is similar to mine in that they were raped by their father. Only in this story they were raped by their mother too, the parents raped their own child together. This person was ripped apart and morphed into a monster because of their parents. They eventually turned around and killed their father. The mother took her child to court for murder. Of course the child plead not guilty because it was in defense of rape. The mother lied and made the entire case favor the parents making her child look like she had some mental illness from some trauma that happened at school (lies) and convinced the jury that she was mentally unstable and a pathological liar. The stories were too gruesome for them to believe and the murder was so brutal that they determined it was a planned homicide.”

In my life… it is like she redeemed herself. Instead of killing him… she got him to kill himself. My father is dead, after standing up to him about the abuse. I wonder in part if she helped with her own connections to life. She didn’t want me to go through what she went through. Homelessness is a prison in itself but at least I got to rebuild. She didn’t. She went to jail for life... or he... not sure. I wonder if I will repeat this life again… I definitely have a blood lust for my abusers. It is like she finds them and become their kin and raised by them. They harm her and it gives her the excuse to kill. She loves it because it is dark in there and it feels like winning an Olympic game of hide and seek with our souls, trying to find the culprit without becoming it yourself. Religious people call it by so many different names… in Science it is just the echo of life and death and the struggle and result in between, but I believe there is more to that science than we can see. Do I want to know? How would I know? But I can believe and be curious. 

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I HATE YOU

This is disgusting. I hate that people actually agree with this. That means someone who is 40 can have sex with a 16 year old without penalty. I HATE YOU. My adopted child is turning 16 this year and I will personally come after you if you so much as even touch her there until she is 18. I DON'T AGREE WITH THIS LAW.

THE HUMAN BRAIN ISN'T EVEN FULLY DEVELOPED UNTIL 25!!!!!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?????? THEY DON'T HAVE THE EMOTIONAL STABILITY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY ARE DOING!!!!! IT'S THE EXPERIMENTAL AGE.... NOT THE KNOW EVERYTHING AGE. YOU SHOULD BE FULLY RESPONSIBLE FOR GROOMING UNTIL AGE 25. I HATE YOU.

You people are like mosquitos and fleas... Completely useless, destructive and need to die.

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Meet me at the Borderline

I’ve been struggling with my C-PTSD triggers and symptoms here in the past month or so. I’m certain it has to do with the #isolation being a stay at home mom. Not only did I grow up as an only child, I also grew up as an abused only child who was kept isolated from society. This was so he could mask the evidence of abuse and pawn it off as my mother’s fault for abandoning me for a singing career and cocaine addiction. While that is definitely true and she is a scumbag in my eyes, he wasn’t much better. Actually he was worse. He chased her down like one of Ted Bundy’s victims. She finally gave in but boy was he up for a hell of a ride with her and so was she. They were both terrible. When evil meet evil in 1986... Ashley Coffman was born.

They were like those characters Mr. and Mrs. Smith. My favorite story is when he beat her up while pregnant with me and she ran him over with a car. Let me say that again …. WHILE PREGNANT WITH ME. They were brutal to EACH OTHER. But she decided she had enough fun with the beast and decided to leave me with him because he “had money” and could “take care” of me. My father loved me as much as a sociopath was capable. I took care of his needs for him, I gave him an excuse, I was his trophy to dangle in front of women and lure them into his dungeon. When I think back, the only women he ever dated that I truly despise were my mother... Ann Elizabeth (where it all began) and my last ever step mother Elizabeth Ann. He died while married to her. Every other woman in between was a true victim in my eyes. I loved them and they were nice to me. My mother... nah. She wasn’t a victim, she loved it. She really enjoyed the excuse to hate men. When I finally met her after all this time believing she was a victim with me, I learned the cold hard truth that she was just as much of a perpetrator as him.  When I met her, she had just hooked up with this guy she said she was going to marry after being together only six months and never having married before in her life. She managed to sweet talk him into giving her $13,000 after they split. I imagine she was good with the “poor me” trick. While they were together she used him to get a vacation to come see me and push herself into my life. “This is my only way” she said, after I told her I wasn’t ready to meet her. She had barely been talking with me after my father died. She contacted me right after he died and then kept a good distance from me up until she wanted to come see me...until SHE wanted to come see me. Then she got in a fight with him and asked if she could move in with me all the way from Oregon to Alabama. My husband at the time, David, was like fuck no. He helped me see the red flags when I was blinded by getting to meet my mother for the first time... against my will. Duh Ashley. I was convinced that this was her “only way”. So I let her come visit and it all started okay but then it took a turn after she again used him to fly me out to Oregon to see her. She played the whole “best friend” thing with me and it started feeling like that movie “Where the Heart is” and feeling like hey that was just a movie and this isn’t real. But it was. I was getting duped.

I really think she has borderline. I have it too and I was really depressed when I figured it out. I have only figured it out here in the last two years. I didn’t recognize the signs of borderline. I was raised by my sociopath father, not my borderline mother. I didn’t even know it was a disorder at that time or that it even had a name. She took me on a “spontaneous” road trip to San Francisco where we would catch my connecting flight. But since I wasn’t raised… I didn’t understand that they would cancel my ticket if I didn’t get on the first flight. They canceled my connecting flight and I was stuck in San Francisco. I had to buy my own ticket back and that was the last of the money I had and I was supposed to be using it for rent. She took no responsibility and acted like I should have already known that even though I asked her if she thought it would be okay and she said “yes it will be no problem, you don’t have to call them, just pick up your flight in San Francisco!”

It was the most fun road trip I had been on down the 101 Highway and touring that city was AMAZING. I mean I thought I loved Seattle but then I met San Francisco and I was head over heels. I felt right at home. San Francisco felt like a giant Mobile, AL. It had the same Port City vibes that we have here. Plus my mother was born there. I guess you could say it was worth it but I also feel like that is just an excuse for her toxic behavior with her daughter that she didn’t raise. That wasn’t the last straw though because I honestly had a great time.

She makes a great party friend but that’s about it. A mother? She is definitely not that. She was dressed like she was still back in the 80s. Her pants were too tight for her and her shirt was too tight for her she bobbled around like she did crack most of her life. I was told she did and she admitted she did too. She also admitted she had a “lifestyle addiction” as she called it. She also then without me asking or anything told me that she had two abortions before me and was going to abort me. She said she was at the clinic but my dad didn’t show up and she said she was too afraid to do it without him?? Take a bow mom… you already had two abortions before that and you also felt like you needed to tell me that you wanted to abort me too. WTF. Then she started rambling about how she found out she was pregnant with me in San Francisco while my father was still in Pensacola. What? Okay that’s weird. What are you trying tell me here now mother? In hindsight I think she was playing games (borderline) to get a reaction. Well she definitely got a reaction. Just like my father, I was very calculated with my response… “What you are telling me makes me feel like you are trying to say my father isn’t my father. Is Tony not my father?”

The VERY NEXT E-MAIL:

“I knew this would be hard on you…” then started rambling again about her past with him but no confirmation of what I just asked. It was like she just dodged the question. Then it took her FOUR emails to finally answer me and she said “Ashley, Tony IS your father, stop berating me!!!!” WTF? This bitch just fucking gas-lighted me. I snapped. I told her off and told her I never wanted to talk to her again. But she doesn’t understand boundaries and chased me down for a year, she called my work looking for me and everything. That woman is NUTS. I want nothing to do with her and I bet she is playing victim right now to keep her relationship with her own family on her side (their my family too). I can hear it now “Tony turned her into a monster!! Poor me!! Blah blah blah!!” Bitch you weren’t there my entire life. You don’t get to play victim…. You left me with a sociopath who molested me, beat me up, controlled me and used me for his cat and mouse games. Go fuck yourself. That is how I feel about that. I’m not here to raise my mother. I have to raise myself and my own daughter WITHOUT guidance from my own family. There are so many ugly things I want to say to her but I know it doesn’t do anyone any good. It is better for us to stay separate. She wasn’t there to begin with, I don’t need her now. #dangerouswoman #cptsd #bordeline #mentalillness #mentalhealthmatters