Sexless Wanker

[asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway]

Oi! my names John bloody ConstanTINE not TEEN ...now luv, would ya like ta donate an extra quid ta a bum fuck organization that'll probably be on the news for laundering money within the year?

Ooc: ello lovelies, so as you can probably tell this is drum roll please another John Constantine RP blog! I have not made one of these before and honestly I don't have a particular version of John I intend to portray beyond simply my own version of him, I've read a few of the hellblazer comics and I'm trying to read more as well, I've also seen most of the media he's played by Matt Ryan but that's the extent of my reference for how I might portray John.

I've decided for this blog I wanna focus on John having a bit more of a mundane simple life that drives him a little bonkers now and then, things are nice, quiet and calm, there's been no major stirs of demonic activity (I am 100% chill with rp where he ends up getting messed up in magical stuff Im just keeping his base setting casual and a bit mundane) and the most business he's been getting as an occult detective/exorcist have been barely worth the effort so in order to keep a cig in his mouth and a bottle in hand John has become desperate enough to work at the only place willing to hire someone of his reputation on such short notice, John has found himself working as a cashier/stock boy at the ✨supermarket✨ where as you can imagine John is positively giddy at having to deal with people day in and day out half of whom he claims are more infuriating than the devil himself but hey it's not like things can get any worse for John than a painfully mundane life...right?

This is your formal invitation to make things worse for him, feel free to send rp asks to torture your favorite blonde bastard today!

[mad-hatter-memes]

Send "You look like you...", complete the sentence, and see how my muse reacts to being told that!

( Ex: "You look like you bite people." or "You look like you get mad when someone doesn't say "bless you" when you sneeze." )

[asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway]

How’s your day John! Didn’t imagine you would be working a normal nine to five, job. Must be boring. Nine to five by Dolly Parton should keep you motivated or not-

Eh? Blimy...that's where I am? thanks mate.

Ya ever fall into a freezer 'n wake up weeks later somehow not dead? It's like a bad rom com where instead of a kiss ya wake up ya a pound a beef on yer face

...all in all days been frosty so far mate, can ya spare a cig? Mine froze.

[asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway]

Blimy, got me standing in front of a stained glass window looking like a right saint, ya do!

Ooc: RAHHHHHHH THEY ARRIVED! MY LOVELIESSSS! MY BELOVED RAT MANNNN! @ratblazer THE BEAUTYS HAVE FINALLY ARRIVEDDD

[asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway]

Oi! Johnny!

Got me a dog. ‘Er name ‘s Sunshine. Come see ‘er?

@gutter-mage69

Pupper, eh? Things lookin' up for ya I take it mate?

'n sure I'll come over, I'll bring some dog treats 'n spoil that little bugger rotten mate

[asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway]

John Constantine? was it? how odd . You aren't drunk , Blacked out or High. Whats your secret hmmm :) - 📻

"Capitalism luv, sucks the joy outta everything, can't get properly pissed without gettin' a writeup"

[asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway]

John! Happy birthday, lovely! 🖤

— @the-batty-librarian

"Ah thanks luv, sorry got a bit pissed last night, face planted right in ma cake 'n all"

[asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway]

Got shagged by my shrink today 'n he told me I had problems "letting people in"...bloody ironic considerin' he was just in me a few moments earlier-

[gutter-mage69]

Oi, mate... how're ya doin'? Ya gave away her spawn, mate...come on now you were a great dad, what's goin' on with ya, things were finally lookin' good, yer runnin' for Mayor 'n all!

@asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway

Me spawn deserve a life ‘a padded cages, an’ regular feedin’. More than I could give ‘em.

Not even on th’ ballot, mate. It was nice ‘t dream, but ‘ad ‘t eventually wake up. Sure th’ Fallen, an’ Lucifer ar’ gigglin’ at me misery.

[asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway]

"Aw don't be so hard on yerself, im sure ya'd be able to easily find a place with padded cages for ya 'n the spawn, ain't like ya've never been in one before"

John says chuckling as he tries to lighten the mood with some dark humor

"well it ain't like the ballot registration closed, is it? Mate we did the flyers 'n ya got solid backin', I know us John's ain't exactly the organized or lawful types but mate...yer competition is maniac 'n a legally dead guy, I feel like that ain't that hard ta beat"

"...'n also I brought ya some stuff"

John says as he holds out a couple bags to the other John, inside is half a dozen packs of cigarettes, a few bottles of whiskey and a case of beer and in the other bag is takeout from John's favorite Curry place

[godofarchery]

Eh, got an instacart delivery here for-

Checks list

-Oliver Queen? Blimy...ya better leave a damn large tip in the app, ya hear mate?

John has no proper clue how the app works he just had one of the younger employees at the grocery store set it up for him

@asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway

I didn't order anything.... Must've been Dinah.. Tha-...John??????

[asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway]

Yeah, it's me, what's yer point mate? Don't think ya can skimp on a tip just cause I know ya mate...'n who the fuck is orderin' kale smoothies mate? You hero types are bloody health nuts

[asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway]

Eh, @gutter-mage69 whatcha think? Made ya a catchy campaign slogan 'n got a few hundred of these beauties printed out

[gutter-mage69]

#constantineformayor2025, eh? If ya drop off some flyers I'll be sure to hand em out ta people at the shop, my boss don't care enough ta try 'n stop me, good on you for makin' an effort mate

@asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway

Ain’t got no flyers. But ‘y can definitely tell your shoppers ‘t vote for me.

‘S me or th’ joker. So really hopin’ that they vote for me, an’ not th’ bloody clown.

Missed ‘y mate.

[asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway]

"Shouldn't be a hard sell mate, with that wacky wanker as completion you've practically got the election in the bag, 'n don't forget yer a family man now, don't know much 'bout politics but I know the people love a good family man, gotta get some photos of you 'n yer kids, eh?"

"'n as for flyers, mate don't be ridiculous, I know a bloke that owes me a favor, I'll have ya some flyers before ya have the chance ta down a pint mate"

[gutter-mage69]

“Blimey.”

Constantine takes a drag from his cig.

“Y’got a camera? Need me a snapshot of me, an’ th’ spawn.”

“Flyers would be real nice of ‘y. But what’s th’ catch? Y’want ’t be part of me runnin’ team or somethin’?”

[asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway]

"Do ya really think I want more work on my plate? Eh, I mean if ya need the help I suppose I can lend a hand, ya need help findin' sponsors? I know a bloke who runs a small beer business that'll be right on brand for ya mate!"

"Don't got a camera on me, maybe check with yer mate Chas might have one"

[gutter-mage69]

#constantineformayor2025, eh? If ya drop off some flyers I'll be sure to hand em out ta people at the shop, my boss don't care enough ta try 'n stop me, good on you for makin' an effort mate

@asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway

Ain’t got no flyers. But ‘y can definitely tell your shoppers ‘t vote for me.

‘S me or th’ joker. So really hopin’ that they vote for me, an’ not th’ bloody clown.

Missed ‘y mate.

[asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway]

"Shouldn't be a hard sell mate, with that wacky wanker as completion you've practically got the election in the bag, 'n don't forget yer a family man now, don't know much 'bout politics but I know the people love a good family man, gotta get some photos of you 'n yer kids, eh?"

"'n as for flyers, mate don't be ridiculous, I know a bloke that owes me a favor, I'll have ya some flyers before ya have the chance ta down a pint mate"

[asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway]

"Oh how the mighty have fallen, huh Constantine?" Another boring day at the supermarket...if literal Satan was not currently hanging out in the aisle taking the time out of his oh so busy schedule just simply to annoy John and make his life infinitely harder. Not by doing anything magical, no that would be so much easier to deal with. But just simply to annoy the shit out of him in public as a regular customer. Because he simply has nothing better to do. "A supermarket? Seriously? I'm disappointed. Truly." - [@first-of-the-fallen-satan] (Hiya <3 )

"Have ya considered pissing off mate? Don't ya got somethin' better ta do?"

John grumbles gruffly looking up as he attempts to brush past him

"Yer bloody pathetic needin' ta come here 'n bother me just ta stroke ya ego mate, ya already know my souls good as damned once I die can't ya at least wait till then ta torture me?"

"if ya stick 'round here botherin' me I'll have a uniform in yer size for ya, I can promise ya he'll ain't got nothin' on this place"

(elloo <3)

[first-of-the-fallen-satan]

The devil always needs a hobby, and sadly this is his hobby for the day. Poor John. Satan steps to the side as John brushes past him, hands folded casually as he leans against a shelf. "But this is far more entertaining don't you think? I do enjoy our spats." Weirdo. Though at John's uniform comment he genuinely lets out a small little laugh, "I rather filet myself alive." At least he's honest. "If a drab human supermarket is that horrible, then I guess we need to step up our game in the pit." He takes a random can off the shelf to look at it, rolling his eyes a tad and literally tossing it over the shelf into the next aisle where it makes a loud clang and splat noise.

[asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway]

"Well at least banishing you back at hell will give me somethin' more interestin' ta do then stockin' shelves"

John grumbles at him

'n we got a butcher next door id be more then happy ta roast yer sorry arse up, I know a Catholic vampire lassie who I'm sure would be plenty interested in yer charred arse"

John sighs and takes a flask out of his pocket and takes a long drink as he shuffles over to the next aisle to clean up the mess

"Bloody bastard I ought ta find a farmer ta brand ya with hot iron and douse ya in holy water ya fuckin prick"

[asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway]

*kisses you and runs away*

I- oi uh... alright then, bloody hell been awhile since I got the kiss 'n dash treatment

[gutter-mage69]

What would be the first thing you'd do if you became major of Gotham?

Think ‘y meant mayor.

Kill th’ joker. Plonker has been a thorn ‘n everyone’s side.

Not sure. Maybe give more money ‘t mothers an’ kids. Make beatin’ kids ‘gainst th’ law.

Maybe hire a few ‘t get rid of th’ majority of spooks.

[asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway]

"No, no mate, think they met "major", gotta getcha that military street cred 'n what's it not"

[asmokeadaykeepsthedevilaway]

"Oh how the mighty have fallen, huh Constantine?" Another boring day at the supermarket...if literal Satan was not currently hanging out in the aisle taking the time out of his oh so busy schedule just simply to annoy John and make his life infinitely harder. Not by doing anything magical, no that would be so much easier to deal with. But just simply to annoy the shit out of him in public as a regular customer. Because he simply has nothing better to do. "A supermarket? Seriously? I'm disappointed. Truly." - [@first-of-the-fallen-satan] (Hiya <3 )

"Have ya considered pissing off mate? Don't ya got somethin' better ta do?"

John grumbles gruffly looking up as he attempts to brush past him

"Yer bloody pathetic needin' ta come here 'n bother me just ta stroke ya ego mate, ya already know my souls good as damned once I die can't ya at least wait till then ta torture me?"

"if ya stick 'round here botherin' me I'll have a uniform in yer size for ya, I can promise ya he'll ain't got nothin' on this place"

(elloo <3)