Naruto Bullshit

Assorted Naruto headcanons to build out Kisimoto's genuinely fascinating world.

[cherrydyedsocks]

ino hc

so. I doubt she'd ever admit this under normal circumstances, but she thinks of her two teammates like rocks. like, something stable to balance her out. choji is always very kind and sees the best in people, and as ino grows older she realizes such. she's glad to be his friend. and shikamaru? forever just thinking about how she especially sees him like her rock, because when she lost her father? he was the only one who could understand exactly how she felt. when they all lost asuma together and leaned on one another.

[assortednarutoheadcanons]

Naruto Modern AUs

Modern AUs of Naruto plague my brain.

Mafia? Every Clan is a mafia family and civilians are police. Uzumaki were destroyed via Gang War. The Sabaku siblings are part of a different mafia family based in another city. The Hokage is the DA of police/military.

High School? Rich kid school that only accept Naruto (orphan, has terrible grades) because his uber wealthy mother (again, Clans = Old Money) put it in her will. Her family founded Konoha High? You're going to deny that? Sakura's parents spend a lot of money to ensure she gets the best education and she's on a partial scholarship.

Similar thing with University aus that keep me up at night, although those are easier to handle. Personally.

Flower shop is exclusively the Yamanaka Clans. Sorry, I don't make the rules and it's usually tied in with the Mafia somehow.

Spies is a weird one where they're trying to prevent a number of issues but the information broker will always be Yamanaka Ino.

Idol/Actor/famous AU - bunch of Nepo Babies and Sakura.

etc, etc.

In every single one, the Yamanaka family knows everything. It's terrible and they are terrifying, but Shikamaru and Choji have just figured out how to roll with the punches.

[assortednarutoheadcanons]

The way that a Yamanaka behaves seems rehearsed. Like something has possessed them and is controlling them like a puppet. They only slightly understand how to move; their conversations are stilted, they walk too loudly. No matter their expression, they look off. It’s like staring at an alien or a strange imitation that only a demon would think passes as ‘normal’. You cannot invade their minds. Genjutsu is useless. They struggle with their bodies so the easiest way to kill them is to just go for the jugular.

[assortednarutoheadcanons]

When using shadows, the Nara Clan looks atrophied. Shadows curl in their arms and their chest and their cheeks, giving them the look of a grotesque monster starving and as they stare at you with an ancient hunger, older than chakra or humans or bones or life itself trying to consume the world and revert it back into Something From Long Ago That Should Stay Dead and yet is commanded by a Genius. Their eyes are impossibly dark, shadows sucking all the light as they trap you in shadows that only existed under your bed or in your closet or at the Beginning Of Time.

[assortednarutoheadcanons]

The Akimichi Clan’s bones are impossibly brittle. They break and snap, elongate and shrink on command. They worship the concept of Death. They do not dream of the afterlife or second life. This is your one life and so you must do everything and anything to make it okay so you have to break your bones and stretch your skin and muscles and destroy everything about yourself to keep living.

They do not live past 40.

[assortednarutoheadcanons]

Ino will definitely kill someone with a crowbar. It's not a matter of how but when.

Asuma probably because Choji and Shikamaru are always down for murder.

[damnedflame-arc]

so what does konoha do when it comes to crimes within the village?

Keep reading

[fdshagvs]

So, I’ve been thinking about this for awhile, and the answer I came up with was kind of confuddled. Not really an answer at all, really. Just aimless talk. 

Basically, Konoha is a police state. Sort of. They’re at war consistently throughout the entire series to the point that their entire life is militarized. So things like rape, murder, etc are dealt with within that context.

Usually dishonorable discharges, and things like that. Ideally. At least on paper.

But then there are issues with clan: if a clan member rapes another clan member, is it something the clan itself deals with (marriage, removing them from the clan) or is it something Konoha is responsible for? And another thought, the Uchiha were the police force in the series, are they allowed to regulate their own, or is it considered a conflict of interest? Who watches them then?

If it’s a crime between multiple clans, what system is used to settle the dispute and deal out punishment?

And it’s interesting, because if you look at a character like Orochimaru, he is EASILY one of the worst characters in the series. If you look up human rights violation, he is the picture next to the definition. But he is never punished. In fact, he makes his own shinobi village, and there is… apparently no recourse for this? He’s even allowed back into the village later?

What is the logic there? Is it because he is one of the Sannin, and Konoha does not want to deal with the political fall out of disavowing one of their own? Is it because he is a powerful enough threat that they’d rather have him as an inactive enemy, one they will deal with later once they settle other concerning matters?

I’m tangenting with no point, but the tldr for me is: Konoha has laws against rape, murder, and all the other Big Bad Sins. It just doesn’t enforce them. Because this is war, and they aren’t going to sacrifice their strongest soldiers just because they got a little handsy with a kunoichi who thought she knew better.

(That was deliberately crude, btw.) 

[surfacage]

Background: I think Konoha itself is a sovereign fiscal-military state under the government of the Fire daimyo, if that makes sense. Essentially it’s feudalism dressed up with you know, walking war machines. The Fire government gives Konoha a) land and b) political protection (i.e., a Kiri nin can’t just kill a Konoha nin without dire consequences from either government, thus creating a way for civilians to actually regulate overpowered ninja.) TL;DR Konoha itself is basically the military branch of the Fire government.

Military forces traditionally have a strong code of conduct that isn’t actually military law. Leaf shinobi code is very strong (see: Uzumaki Naruto), probably with an inherent interest in protecting all of its constituents, so attacking a fellow Leaf might provoke the same visceral reaction one would get when say, attacking someone from your family.

Intraclan disputes probably follow their own laws. Civil interclan disputes (things like why are you building a house here? this is hyuuga land go away) would probably be settled out of court. I can’t honestly believe Hiruzen wouldn’t create some sort of replacement for the KMPF. Or like…therapists. I like the idea of a touchstone for shinobi though.

Criminal offences, like murder, rape, theft would involve a court martial, but it would also involve a big loss of honor/reputation what have you, which is pretty big because once a shinobi, always a shinobi. The symbol for deserting your country is the constant reminder of the destruction of your country’s symbol (a line through your forehead protector). It follows you your entire life. If that doesn’t deter you you probably deserve to get chucked into T&I anyway.

Now in the case of high-profile shinobi who err on the wrong side of the law (Orochimaru). On one hand, actual face of human rights violations. On the other hand, Sannin, nigh-immortal weapon of mass destruction, huge deterrent to dicking around with a) Konoha or b) Fire. It’s safe to say shinobi morality won’t be the same as civil morality, and it would probably make more tactical sense to sanction whatever Orochimaru’s doing with his life as long as he stays loyal to Konoha. It wouldn’t make moral sense, but think of the collateral damage of Orochimaru trying to actively level Konoha/covertly fucking around with science versus an Orochimaru who knows as long as he doesn’t toe specific lines he’s free to do things. Lesser of two evils right?

This would probably apply even to other crimes, even in peacetime, as long as the government system remains in place. As long as there’s actual military threat from other countries (e.g., daimyos digging up shit), a hidden village can’t afford to cut down its forces.

I’m well aware I’m probably talking like a psychopath here but yeah.

[tsukinobherzhoka12]

"If Ino is a card game she would be the "cards against shinobi"

-Shikamaru Nara

[tsukinobherzhoka12]

I have read that the archetype characters in naruto is consist of a jesus (naruto,jiraiya,obito), judas (sasuke, orochimaru, kakashi) and mary (sakura, tsunade, rin). But when it comes to Team Asuma the dynamics are different. Shikamaru is the Jesus archetype, Ino is the Judas archetype and Chouji is the Mary archetype (Because he is the true heart and strength of the team). And it is so intriguing.

[assortednarutoheadcanons]

Did anyone else remember that the Hyuga Clan is descended from the Sage's brother who's stuck on the moon?

I just remember it while going through some Clan Headcanons and I'm like OH YEAH! The Hyuga Clan and Uchiha Clan aren't descendants of Indra who branched off and evolved differently.

This is CANON. Which is the wildest part of it all.

[assortednarutoheadcanons]

Assorted #8

In Konohagakure, there are 3 types of Ninja. Clan, Civilian, and Civilian Clan Ninja.

Clan Ninjas are really rigid and have a lot of unspoken rules of propriety. They are extreme lightweights and can't drink coffee without Side Effects occurring. Typically (exceptions may apply) living with their families, they have very specific diets that won't cause any issues in the long run.

The Inuzuka Clan can't really eat vegetables. Shino nearly faints when he finds out that Kiba has never see lettuce because that's a huge staple of the Aburame Clan.

Civilian Ninja are 'rowdy' and 'rough'. They can generally eat everything safe for humans and live in either the civilian or ninja districts. They drink coffee, eat deep fried food, etc.. No Clan Ninjas can truly drink coffee or have whiskey, despite Kakashi desperate attempts when he was a chunin.

There are a few 'Civilian Clans' (Uzumaki, Lee, Sarutobi, Yamanaka) where they can eat normal food and drink coffee but they can't handle alcohol.

The exception to all these rules is the Akimichi Clan who can consume Anything with no side effects whatsoever. This includes rotten flesh, although they don't exactly like the flavours or taste.

P.S. I have Feelings about the Sarutobi Clan. None are really good.

[assortednarutoheadcanons]

Assorted #7

The Senju clan is a bunch of polygamists. Hashirama and Tobirama (and the rest of their siblings) have three dads, two moms, and a lot of aunties and uncles.

Hashirama only marrying one (1) person is wild in his clan of but he's content with Mito and their three kids. He's probably considered asexual by the Clan.

Tobirama never marries but has like 5 other people he lives with in the Senju Clan Compound and they have orgies fairly often.

[assortednarutoheadcanons]

If Sasuke didn't leave Konoha, he would drink Japanese Vodka like it's water.

me to my friend who doesn’t know anything about Naruto except that I really like Yamanaka Ino and like writing feral fics.

[assortednarutoheadcanons]

Assorted #6

Minato has dimples. Kushina has freckles (like most redheads).

Naruto has dimples and freckles.

Ino has neither (the Yamanaka pride a smooth, unblemished face above all else and Ino Is Yamanaka Beauty Standard) but her children generally have dimples. So Inojin has dimples.

[assortednarutoheadcanons]

Assorted #5

Inoichi is somehow known throughout his generation of ninja as both a prude and an absolute slut. The amount of people he’s had sex with numbers in the 3 digits but he rarely takes his clothes off for the deed itself.

A notable list of people Yamanaka Inoichi has fucked:

Uzumaki Kushina (happened on two missions and they’re just fuck buddies cus Inoichi can go all night and Minato Can Not)

Namikaze Minato (bachelor party. Ino was concieved that night)

Uchiha Fugaku and Mikoto at the same time

Hyuga Hizashi

A frankly ridiculous amount of enemy ninja he seduced.

Everyone in the Uchiha Clan

Inuzuka Tsume (her husband couldn’t satisfy her so she went to Inoichi who had no problems with the entire situation at all)

Kato Dan

A number of random one night stands with assorted ANBU members when he was an ANBU operative.

Akimichi Choza/Nara Shikaku (1st times and they were all wildly drunk)

Choza’s wife is not into it but Yoshino was fine with it.

Karatchi Yagura (the 4th Mizukage, guy before Terumi Mei? Yeah, him)

A

Rasa

Most of Kage actually got wrecked by Inoichi.

In conclusion, be pan, do crimes and maybe have everyone in the 5 great nations on speed dial because you fucked them because you have superior Top Energy in comparison to Literally Anyone Else In The World.

(Yes, the Yamanaka Clan are all Tops. They have to outsource reproduction anyways. Fight me.)

[assortednarutoheadcanons]

Kankuro: Gaara, don't you have enough children now?

Gaara: What are you talking about? I only have-

Gaara:

Kankuro:

Gaara: How many nieces and nephews do you have now?

Kankuro: THAT'S WHAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW TOO!

[assortednarutoheadcanons]

Assorted #4

The Inuzuka Clan is actually very canine like. While Tsume comes across more wolfish, Kiba is much more like a fox. Hana is more like a domesticated dog.

The reason is because they used to be a barbarian, raiding Clan that would absorb other Clans and resources. They had the largest territory of the Clans during the Warring Era, bordering the Nara and Akimichi Clans’ territories (the Yamanakas lived up in the mountains).

The Nara and Inuzuka Clans are on extremely good terms. The Nara forest has a river that runs through it (it’s also the largest forest in the Five Great Nations’ map) that the allowed the Inuzuka Clan to ‘take over’. Really they were just there to maintain the land because the Nara are lazy bastards and can only care for so much land.