[asssssh]

i don't think.

cause if i do i will just think of you.

i've spent all of today trying to shut every part of myself that wants to reach out and say that it's okay, cause i know that truly nothing is.

[asssssh]

i am so mad at you. to the point that i know that if i were a cartoon i would just be burning red and my head would explode.

you go about life thinking that you're the greatest man alive, and you go about it like you would stand up in the face of adversity, like you would defend women's rights, like you give a damn about being a good person and having empathy...

but you don't.

at least not to me.

not to my face.

you go and tell me such awful things almost weekly. you can never let an opportunity to offend me past by. you're always reminding me of how unperfect i am, and how terrible my past choices were.

you! out of everybody in this world you gathered the nerve to come up to me and tell me that my life choices have made me unperfect and unpure and unworthy of love. i don't mean to burst your bubble, but if there's anyone here that has gone and made their life a never ending parade of partners is you, my dear. you were the first ever in my life. and even that, you had the nerve to doubt, as if i were the liar that you have proven yourself to be over and over again.

the thing is, you're nearly in your thirties... what are you gonna do once i'm finally gone? go and search for more wide eyed girls to impress? and if it doesn't work with the next one? they will probably stay around the same age, but you... you will become one of those professors at college that gets himself involved with them becaue they're pure and innocent and good girls, as you like to call us. you're gonna be exactly one of those guys that can never get over his teenage years and will just re-live through their significantly younger couples. and you're one of the first to point fingers at them! isn't it ironic?

and how about your hypocrisy towards the insecurities of one's body. you have comments saying how fucked is it that society creates us insecurities, but you're the one that tells me such awful things about my body and everyone elses'. how am i supposed to look at you and not see all these contradictions? all i see when i look at you is someone whose image is more important than anything they ever loved. and how you hid me from everything because somehow, those things don't matter to you.

and the thing is, for someone that worries so much about their image you're definitely not doing a good job at hiding this sexist and hateful part of you. all of our friends and people close to us have noticed it. and yet you keep trying to make me think it's because i somehow manipulated the situation? no. sorry, you brought this image upon yourself. quit trying to make it seem like somehow, i'm the problem. as if i were the one that lied and hurt their way into the relationship.

also. don't know how this will evolve. but we were a month away from our 3 year anniversay. ain't that fucked?

[asssssh]

This feeling doesn’t go away, yesterday I cried for at least half the day and today I woke up feeling so numb that I thought it was in the past, but my mind is running at a hundred miles per hour and it’s finding new ways of making me feel sad and unwanted.

I don’t wanna feel like this anymore, but I don’t know what to do. I’ve run out of options and everything seems so dark and endless. It drags me down and everytime it does I discover new rock bottoms that I didn’t thought were possible. There’s truly nothing I can do that will make me feel better, all I wanna do is cry and lay in bed and just... Wait for my body to shut down.

I need to get out, and I need to get out alone and I don’t know, just drive and be alone with my thoughts for a while, or just be alone and feel it all without feeling like I would drag more people or beings into my mood.

I should probably go and take a shower and think, or the opposite, maybe I need to get out of my head and just shut every single part of it that won’t shup up and all it does is make me feel like a waste of space in a world where everyone is supposed to be happy and improving, because all I do is keep on fading and falling into new and deeper lows of this state of mind.

[asssssh]

I'm so tired of being so damn miserable, there's no part of this that feels fair, ain't nobody said it should be, but it should be

What's the point in this sinking feeling? Why can't I forgive myself for all the times I didn't knew better? And why can't I let go of this egotistical need of revenge everytime I feel wronged?

I'm so tired of feeling this sad, of not being able to hear the words "I love you" without bursting into tears

I'm so tired of sabotaging myself, of pushing people so they yell at me angry and loathsome things they wouldn't otherwise

My dear, you don't do anything wrong, but you don't do it entirely right and it's killing me to hear you say anything kind. I want to scream at your face for not leaving me two years ago; you shouldn't have to live this life, insomnia, faithlessness and antidepressants that barely work...

My dear, I don't have the selflessness to tell you this, but you could definitely do better.

[asssssh]

sometimes i just wish I could un-meet you. sometimes all of this, just ain't worth it.

sometimes i wish i had the guts to really stand up for myself and forget every single word you ever said to me.

sometimes i wish there was a way to erase my body from your memory, or reverse time so you never would've seen it.

sometimes i wish for the end. i just know (and so do you), that you would regret they way you've spoken to me half the time.

and sometimes i feel so hurt and angry that i want you to feel it and just know that you could've done better, but you didn't.

i've done so much for you, and if this is the only thing that matters to you, i'm afraid we're not at the same level.

[asssssh]

Maria Brink just liked one of my tweets. I swear I was the most miserable being a couple of moments ago, and now I feel like I could do anything, after all, one of the most incredible women on this earth has acknowledged my presence and it feels like the only thing I can feel now is the power of being female.