calliope

art's lover | she/her | 21 | cliché like me, but carpe diem!

[astraeye]

such a funny thing grief is

it's been 2 and a half years and now i can go weeks without thinking about him

but it all comes

crumbling

down

one night while showering when i realize

my godfather who nicknamed me "blondie"

my godfather who would stop me at parties to ask if was eating and drinking water and not just playing

my godfather who gifted me the book i asked for and the action figures i didn’t just because he knew i liked them

my godfather who gave me way too many clothes from his store

my godfather who was always laughing and cracking jokes

my godfather who was alwys the first to arrive and the last to leave

my godfather who was always down to do anything as long as he was with his friends

my godfather who had three sons so he used to say i was the daughter he didn’t have

won’t be at my wedding

he won't meet my boyfriend, won't joke with him, won't say "how this fragile ass boy is enough for my goddaughter?" while laughing, won't kinda jokingly kinda seriously ask "what's your business with my goddaughter?"

my godfather won't be at my wedding

i don’t have a wedding date, nor do i have a boyfriend so i don’t have to think about my wedding

but it's a monday 2 and a half years after he died

and i know

my godfather won't be at my wedding.

[astraeye]

i have a boyfriend now. in 2 weeks we will celebrate our 1 year dating anniversary. we talk about the future, about a wedding.

sometimes i imagine what he would do now about my boyfriend. which jokes he would make. which things he would say. i know i'll never know

after all

it's a thursday 3 and a half years after he died.

and i also know

my godfather won’t be at my wedding

[astraeye]

character haunting the narrative but it's just the former intern who left after her contract ended but everyone still talks about her, praises her, uses sheets and documents she created to make the job easier, comments on her life's updates and i'm just there listening to her like she is a myth of old

[astraeye]

there are no lazy mornings watching cartoons anymore and i'm not allowed in most playgrounds. i worry about getting a job the way i used to worry about sitting next to my childhood crush in third grade. i haven't played hide and seek in years and i don’t know if i still know how to jump off the swing. i can't read a 350 page book in 2 days anymore and i am forgetting what my middle grade school uniform used to look like. my movie dvds have become a collection to be stored just like my old childhood comic books. party cakes are just plain white nowadays and i don’t know any of my neighbors. my grandparents sold the countryside house 8 years ago and i don’t wish for toys for christmas no more.

oh, god... the earth is indeed blue. and i really really don’t know what to do

[astraeye]

it's january 2025. i look from my window and the view is still the same. maybe if i keep looking, i will go back to january 2019

[astraeye]

the first time my boyfriend ever made me breakfast, he made a crispy and really toasted bread for me because that's how he likes it. he wanted to show off a bit by making me breakfast

he then asked if it was good, if i had liked it. i said that i did, that it was great, but that i prefered my bread very lightly toasted.

today i decided to take a shower before going to class and he said he would make my breakfast. when i got to the kitchen, he gave me my plate:

scrambled eggs and a toasted bread. a very lightly toasted bread. just the way i like it.

to be loved is indeed to be known

[astraeye]

had to walk half an hour at uni to get to a lost and found to see if my subway and bus card that i had lost was there. it wasn't. but on the way i found a flower archway and path. the flowers are starting to bloom as spring has just begun here. and that made a useless walk my favourite moment of the day

[astraeye]

"7 billion people experienced today in a diferent way"

okay, so i wanna know!! i wanna know how did YOU! experienced today! tell me!! :)

i felt so happy at my internship today!!

[astraeye]

THE WORLD IS ENDING

"the world is ending. will he be able to grow up?" i think to myself as i watch my 1 year old baby cousin grabbing my fingers for the first time

"the world is ending. will he be able to grow up?" i think to myself as i teach my 2 year old baby cousin to eat popcorn

"the world is ending. will he be able to grow up?" i think to myself as i laugh at the funny faces my 3 year old baby cousin does

"the world is ending. will he be able to grow up?" i think to myself as i dance to dynamite by bts with my 4 year old baby cousin

"the world is ending. will he be able to grow up?" i think to myself as i watch scooby doo: the cyber chase with my 5 year old baby cousin

"the world is ending. will he be able to grow up?" i think to my self as i help my 6 year old baby cousin to catch waves with a surfboard at the beach

"the world is ending. will he be able to -"

"mari. let's watch haikyu?" my 7 year old baby cousin asks me.

i look at him. his red hair is brighter than ever. his green eyes are big. he has more freckles after playing too much in the sun. he has two teeth missing in his smile. he is tall for a 7 year old.

he is all grown up. he is growing up. and i'm watching him grow up. from grabbing my thumb to watching haikyu together.

the world might be ending, but it hasn't ended. and my baby cousin is growing up.

i smile at him and hold his still tiny hand.

"let's watch haikyu, gabriel"

[bob-belcher]

a detailed list of things I hate:

hot weather

high temperatures

heat

warmer than average conditions

[astraeye]

a detailed list of things I hate:

cold water

low temperatures

cold

colder than average conditions

[astraeye]

"if it was me i wouldn't have looked" "if it was me i would've taken her out of the underworld safely" not me. i would've looked. i am a looker. i look out for the people i love.

a couple of weeks ago i was at a college party with hundreds of people. my best friend and i were trying to go through all the people to get to a foodtruck. i was in front of him, leading the way. and i couldn't help but look back every five seconds to see of he was still right behind me. i couldn't help but put a hand behind my back for him to hold it so i would know he was there. i couldn't help but worry about losing him in that mass of people. and one time, when i looked back and didn’t see him right away my heart dropped. because he is my best friend and i love him and i want to make sure he is safe

if i can't lead my best friend to a foodtruck in the middle of a party without worrying, without looking, without loving, how could orpheus lead his wife, the love of his life, out of the underworld, out of death, without worrying, without looking, without loving?

[astraeye]

such a funny thing grief is

it's been 2 and a half years and now i can go weeks without thinking about him

but it all comes

crumbling

down

one night while showering when i realize

my godfather who nicknamed me "blondie"

my godfather who would stop me at parties to ask if was eating and drinking water and not just playing

my godfather who gifted me the book i asked for and the action figures i didn’t just because he knew i liked them

my godfather who gave me way too many clothes from his store

my godfather who was always laughing and cracking jokes

my godfather who was alwys the first to arrive and the last to leave

my godfather who was always down to do anything as long as he was with his friends

my godfather who had three sons so he used to say i was the daughter he didn’t have

won’t be at my wedding

he won't meet my boyfriend, won't joke with him, won't say "how this fragile ass boy is enough for my goddaughter?" while laughing, won't kinda jokingly kinda seriously ask "what's your business with my goddaughter?"

my godfather won't be at my wedding

i don’t have a wedding date, nor do i have a boyfriend so i don’t have to think about my wedding

but it's a monday 2 and a half years after he died

and i know

my godfather won't be at my wedding.

[astraeye]

when i was younger, my grandparents had a huge house in the countryside. it had 4 big dogs, a football field, lots of sheep, a small forest we loved to explore, a pool.

by the pool there was a shower that to this day is the best shower i've ever used. it was big and round and with a lot of pressure and the warmest water. showering there was like showering in a warm waterfall. sometimes i still remember the feeling of its heavy warm water falling on me, the sounds of the pool close and the chilly afternoon breeze carrying the chocolate smell from the chocolate factory nearby

my grandparents sold the countryside house 7 years ago. i get it better now than i got at 13. they were almost in their seventies. it was getting hard to take care of a large property full of ups and downs. i still miss it though.

here in brazil most houses have electric showers. maybe you shouldn’t mix electricity with water to take a shower but we do and it works. in this type of shower the more you open the faucet, the colder the water gets. so in hot days, we open the faucet like our life depends on it so we can have a refreshing shower. and on cold days we barely open it, hoping for the warmest water we can get.

so, sometimes, when i'm alone at my apartment, when i know my roommates won't arrive for a while i go take a barely-open-faucet shower. i leave the bathroom door and the windows open so that the breeze will come. and then as i feel the warm water and the chilly afternoon breeze i close my eyes

and it's summer 2011 again. i am 7 years old, taking a shower by the pool at my grandparents' countryside house. i can see a bit of the pool around and hear its sounds. i know once i finish my mom will hug me tightly with a towel so i don’t catch a cold. my brother is upstairs playing a game with my father and uncle. the dogs are laying by the door's carpet always waiting to be petted. my grandparents are preparing a post pool snack for us.

time feels clockless. childhood feels adultless. i'm showering in a warm waterfall, i feel the smell of chocolate breeze.

[astraeye]

i can’t stand reading love stories anymore. they've never made me forget that none of them is actually my story

[astraeye]

everyone talks about the feeling of when you finally leave your hometown and being happy about it but still missing the place that made you feel bad

but what about...

but what about the feeling of always wanting to leave your hometown, of earning novelt, of earning new happiness only to realize, when you finally leave your hometown, that your happiness was actually there. in your hometown. with your family. in your bedroom. in the streets you know by heart. in familiar places. and now all you can do is earn for the time you'll be able to come back. "you take the man out of the city, not the city of the man"

[astraeye]

my big brother is going away away again. his room will be vacant again. and so will be his seat at the table. his videogame controller will gain a coat of dust. his tower hangler at the bathroom will be light. there will be less dishes at the sink. and his piano won't be played again for months.

and it's been years since we started this routine. the house is only full for a month a year. because he's always on the leave. he left for college at 17. he still leaves everytime he comes back. he's home only one month per year. how does his room stand it? not having someone feeling home there anymore? how do i stand it? knowing that my brother just isn't really around since i was 13? how do i stand it? knowing that the brother i once walked home from school with became someone who leaves more than someone who comes back.

[rimonoroni]

“imagine caring so much about fiction” imagine being so lame that you scoff at the timeless human practice of falling in love with art and stories

[astraeye]

i lost my best friend to my other best friend. it's not that either of them left me. but the connection he once had with me, he now has with her. and what hurts the most is that he's still my best friend while i went back to being his friend. because his best friend now is my other best friend. and i'll forever keep thinking how i couldn't be good enough to keep being his. i'll forever keep wondering what she has that i don't. and my selfish side will forever imagine what would have happened if i had never introduced them to each other