*Testosterone Gel, 40.5 mg, one pump on each shoulder/upper arm*
alcohol pad (different one for each shoulder) to clean skin
one pump on each arm, rub in until no longer wet
leave uncovered for 15 minutes
put shirt/hoodie on for at LEAST two hours afterwards
no bathing for up to six hours after applying in order to ensure absorption
Bisexual (UPDATE 12/29/25) - THIS might actually be Biromantic - I spoke to my therapist and they think this is the terminology I've been meaning to use all along. And....yeah probably.
Asexual - Moreso demisexual, honestly
Factoids about my Mental Health: Depression, Anxiety, ADHD, POSSIBLE C-PTSD (this one is still in discussion with my therapist), POSSIBLE OCD (this one is currently being 'investigated' with my therapist)
Likes: Video Games, Writing, Reading, Watching Movies, Dr. Pepper, Pizza, Chicken Nuggets, Anime, Manga, my cat (Erebor), Mac and Cheese
*more to probably be added later*
On May 22 2025, I had a mental break down at work (retail) after a male customer called me "ma'am."
On June 10 2025, I had my first Planned Parenthood appointment where I was perscribed testosterone gel and was a big boy about getting my blood drawn (I hate doctors and I hate needles, double big boy points really!).
On June 12 2025, I took my first dose of testosterone gel on my arms - and proceeded to get splotchy red patches because of the alcohol in the gel (it went away after a week or two, no biggie).
There really hasn't been any major changes in the last four weeks. Things seem to have calmed down a bit; although, I was sick for about a week and a half and had dysphoria for another so I didn't pay too much attention to specific changes.
My acne returned, this time on my upper thighs. This isn't surprising, it's been really hot and I wear pants five days a week for up to 12 hours at a time (for work).
Muscle Mass/Body Fat/Libido/Appetite/Voice: none have really changed since last month. My libido and appetite have been normal, nothing too major thank gods (lmao). Muscle Mass and Body Fat, I'm beginning to think my body just doesn't build muscle easily enough. My voice is deeper than my pre t voice, of course, but is the same as last month - I like to think it's an in between masc/fem tone and I like it.
*some things that (might be/are) nsft under the cut*
Changes on Testosterone Over the Last Year:
SEXUALITY - This one has been a wild ride for someone who considers themselves asexual (I use considers cause there are physical and mental health reasons for how my mind/body reacts to sexual things, it's just the terminology that I use). Firstly, I have labeled myself as bisexual (biromantic? I feel old trying to find the proper terms for these things, I've used bisexual for years despite also using asexual so...go with it?) for the last 8/9 years (I was 22, before then I never really bothered with labels/came from a house where....straight didn't get rude comments thrown my way so I never thought about being anything but) and in that time I always thought it was bisexual with a preference toward men (or really masc presenting people). Obviously, I had crushes on women and my fiancee is nonbinary, afab, with she/they pronouns. HOWEVER, since starting testosterone and my medical transition, there has been a growing appreciation for women/fem leaving people. So my preferences feel more evenly matched.
LIBIDO - In the beginning of taking testosterone, there wasn't a whole lot of change. Around month 3 or 4, it really took off but it was more in a mental way. It's sort of remained a mental thing; a constant thinking about horny things, reading books and fanfics about various smut related things and watching my likes and dislikes shift. Phantom dick is apparently a real thing so that was interesting to discover completely by accident one evening and then caused a weird internal dilemma (since at this point I dont want bottom surgery but I got so euphoric in that moment that I started considering the possibility).
FAT REDISTRUBUTION - I would like to preface this with a reminder: Fat Redistribution does not redistribute fat you already have, but stores new fat in new places (at least, from my understanding this is how it is for MOST people, there might be a few outliers). Now, most of my FD was in my hips where I went from being curvy to "a rectangle" as my fiancee says. And it's true, from arm pits to knees it's practically a straight shot (this heavily depends on the clothes I wear though usually as some tend to cling and they show off that slight curvature I still have). I no longer bloat in my lower stomach (like period pudge? that little pouch above my dude bits? i hope yall know what I'm referencing lol); I don't know if this is actual FD or if it's because I haven't had a period in almost a year so I don't bloat in that area anymore. My chest has deflated some, enough to where my binders are slightly loose - they still bind, well enough, but they don't cling to my sides and stomach like they once did.
MUSCLE MASS - My thighs are more muscle than fat (this is both FD and MM) and is almost entirely from the testosterone because my legs have always been muscle and I haven't changed any thing major in my routine since starting hrt. My arms are gaining muscle shape, which is euphoric as hell. Both sides of my family carry muscle about the same way - which is in a more subtle manor and I've noticed that more and more which has dashed my dreams of being totally ripped lol
VOICE CHANGE - I swear I get voice dysphoria from listening to the recording of my pre testosterone voice. I ALWAYS thought my voice was deeper than the normal "girls" but as my voice has dropped and I've recorded it every month? Wow was I delusional. My voice hasn't gotten that deep, to me it's more...it could be heard as a more neutral, half fem-half masc sounding voice. I would like for it to drop just a little more, at the least, but I would be fine if it didn't. It has dropped more every month starting around month 2 so this might just be what my natural "dude"...register? pitch? is. My voice still cracks, not as much as it did from month 2 to 9, but it definitely still cracks from time to time. I can't talk overly loud anymore or it hurts/my voice cracks and strains. My singing voice was pretty...nonexistent from month 3 or 4 until the last few weeks; I had cracks, my voice would just cut out, it hurt my throat because I hadnt yet figured out where to sing "from", and it felt like I didn't have as much air in my lungs to sing once I DID figure out where to sing "from." Currently, I am struggling to sing along with fem sounding artists (thats most definitely my neurodivergent ass wanting to match pitch and failing) that said...I always struggled to sing along with fem sounding artists so that's not a big deal/change from before testosterone just more noticable.
BOTTOM GROWTH - This is one that I'm a little unsure of. Before starting testosterone, I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to "down there". I've taken pictures of my "dude bits" since starting testosterone and there seems to be growth with the "main bit" of my dick HOWEVER the hood and the lips around it tend to hide it unless I put in the effort to pull the hood back. I'm not sure how likely my tdick is to continue to grow but I've been trying to come to terms with the fact I might just be one of those dudes who doesn't see a lot of growth in that area.
SKIN OILINESS/ACNE - My back is an acne graveyard, my poor fiancee is constantly having to pop the especially bad ones for me cause they hurt being squashed by my binder. Most of the acne is on my upper back and upper chest, I've also been getting them on my upper thighs, on the front, where my pants pockets would sit - where everything I keep in my pockets rest against - and when it gets hot, I sweat and then acne. Skin oiliness in general isn't that big of an issue anywhere else but the spots I get acne the most.
HAIR (ON MY HEAD) - I have a mustache, a patchy beard, both which continue to get darker. The hair on my head now has a slight curl to the ends which is surprising since no one in my family has curly hair (at least, no one I am blood related to/share a significant closeness to? my cousins daughters have curls but they also take after their mother who is not related to me through blood lol). There is NO signs of balding and actually my hair almost feels like it's thickening; NOW I do not have a LOT of hopes for my hair, honestly, balding runs on both sides of my family so I am just grateful for what I have for as long as I have it.
HAIR (EVERYWHERE ELSE lol) - Holy moly, okay! The body hair took a bit to grow in/for me to notice. It's darkest on my tummy, lightest on my forearms. There's a lot of dark hairs on my upper arms//shoulders where I apply my t gel. My legs have always struggled to grow hair (since I was at least eighteen) and are just now getting somewhere - probably since about month 7 or 8); the hair isn't too dark or long but it's noticeable in natural light at least. TMI BUT...before starting testosterone and even after I kept reading and watching things about testosterone giving massive amounts of ass crack hair? Mine isn't really any different than before hrt. Like A LITTLE bit but nothing massive that would resemble, say, a swamp or something lol I DO have a few hairs on my actual ass cheeks though that I can only see in certain lighting lmao
APPETITE - Was absolutely crazy in the first four or five months, afterwards it's slowed down to where I'm not crazy hungry all the time but I can eat more in one setting than I could before testosterone. It isn't helped that I'm neurodivergent and so my appetite depends on SO many factors that even "boy hunger" can't win against.
BODY TEMPERATURE - Honestly, body temperature has been a blessing. I used to get cold so easily that I would literally cry from being so cold, now while I still get cold it's not a body-in-pain experience. Most of my work week is spent in temperatures 40 degrees Fahrenheit and lower down to anywhere from 10 degrees to negative 5 (I work in coolers/freezers), and it's been great being able to work at a decent speed without having to step out into a warmer area every twenty minutes (if not less).
SWEAT - The only downside to body temperature. I was not a sweaty person before testosterone. Honestly, it was like my body was barely capable of producing sweat. Now? All the time. And it's so sticky and gross, probably more so because im not used to it.
SMELL - Anyone else find the stink a little euphoric? lol Like just the "dude musk" from sweating? *chefs kiss* sometimes lol Seriously though, it actually hasn't been that bad but this might be because I've always taken care of how my body smells (childhood bullshit).
OTHER/FUN FACTS
No period since July 1 2025
Hopefully I'll be able to have AT LEAST my top surgery consultation by next April - the plan is to use our credit card to pay for it (we currently have a credit limit of 11,000 on it and by next Spring hopefully it will be around 13,000/14,000. It's not the greatest thing but I would rather pay off a large amount on a cc over time than go without top surgery.
Sometimes I'll be half asleep and I make these grumbling/groan noises and it scares me - like old man grumbles - they just remind me how deep my voice has gotten
My hands are permanently swollen - before testosterone I wore a size 7 ring (yes yes baby hands lmao) and now it's at least a eight/eight in a half. This means I haven't been able to wear my engagement ring in about five months (and i havent wanted to replace it in case they get fatter OR the swelling goes down, it doesn't help that my body temperature is all over the place and I tend to swell now with the heat).
I have come to realize that while I am proud of being trans, a part of me (like half and half) desires to be stealth. A lot of people in my life know I am trans and those I interact with are very supportive, but when people who just meet me/haven't known me prior to starting hrt, refer to me as he/him right off the bat without knowing I was born "girl" it doesn't carry the same awkwardness or anxiety I have compared to those who knew me before transition. I don't have to wonder if the new people meeting "dude me" are just humoring me or doing it to be nice; they genuinely see me as ME and I love that feeling.
I am attempting to be brave and convince myself to go to the gym (Planet Fitness most likely cause it's the closest/most accessible to me right now though I would REALLY prefer a at home set up I won't be able to have until I get my own place). I have this hope that I can just work out a shit ton in all the right areas and it'll help "tighten" up my chest enough to where my dysphoria will get better AND maybe I won't feel the need to get top surgery (I've never had surgery before and I'm lowkey super nervous about it - but also my financial situation is gonna be real tight if I have to take 6 to 8+ weeks off work).
Just tried it and...0/10 would recommend honestly. For me, at least, it gave superior flatness. I'm about average sized chest so I'm unsure how it would work for people with bigger chests.
Just PLEASE be sure to use tt safely, do NOT wrap it all the way around, and PLEASE bind safely, if it restricts your breathing, makes you light headed, or hurts PLEASE stop immediately!
Anyone else feel weird wearing shorts in public? It's been like this since I was like 11 or 12 which would have been about the time I started noticing gender issues with my body....I don't know if it's a general issue with my body or a trans issue?
14 DAYS AWAY FROM 1 YEAR ON TESTOSTERONE! TWO FRIDAYS FROM NOW!
This is especially exciting because not only am I two weeks away from one year on hrt BUT i am 12 days away from the start of my stay-cation and 18 days away from my birthday! WHICH MEANS this will be the second year I get to celebrate a birthday on hrt (since I got hrt last year on the 12th and my birthday is the 16th) :D :D
BUT it means my FIRST EVER pride event is coming up in just a few weeks as well!
June 2026 is shaping up to be a good month if all goes to plan and for the first time in years I am looking forward to my birthday month.
Ohhh I swear my dysphoria is the WORST after I've had a few good days/weeks of low dysphoria. It's like it suddenly stomps on my head when it reappears, laughing at my "delusions."
14 DAYS AWAY FROM 1 YEAR ON TESTOSTERONE! TWO FRIDAYS FROM NOW!
This is especially exciting because not only am I two weeks away from one year on hrt BUT i am 12 days away from the start of my stay-cation and 18 days away from my birthday! WHICH MEANS this will be the second year I get to celebrate a birthday on hrt (since I got hrt last year on the 12th and my birthday is the 16th) :D :D
BUT it means my FIRST EVER pride event is coming up in just a few weeks as well!
June 2026 is shaping up to be a good month if all goes to plan and for the first time in years I am looking forward to my birthday month.
Went to the movies and...why are the stalls in the men's restroom so much larger than the ones in the women's? Is this a one off thing? Or are they like this everywhere?
(I am unsure because I try to use the family restroom whenever possible in public because I feel in between passing and not passing most of the time)
My therapist told me yesterday that it sounds like to Them that I don't trust my own perception of reality and if that hasn't been stuck in my mind for the last near 24 hours...
...like, in regards to if I trust my own feelings/thoughts/memories...
...and I'm just here like "does this include my dysphoria/how I view my passing ability/transition?
I swear, every two weeks They get me so close to crashing out 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Life has been feeling pretty decent lately....i should have known it would not last lmao
HELLO chest dysphoria. HELLO lack of way to pay for top surgery.
*also, hello lack of way I was going to fund a down payment for a house so I could live somewhere without my current roommates save for my fiancee*
*HOW do I make nearly $17 usd an hour and work 40+ hours a week and I am STILL struggling? What is this bullshit? My bills aren't even THAT much in the grand scheme of things*
ALSOOOO...
...I do believe my chest has gotten even just a TAD smaller so now my binders don't bind properly (hence why I started using trans tape because it was cheaper/faster delivery than buying a whole new binder)
...my appetite has been shit so I'm feeling all shades of GROSS which I'm sure isn't helping my dysphoria AT ALL (thanks shitty mental health passed down through generational trauma)
...and I KNOW I should confide in my therapist about this shit but whenever I have therapy....it's like my mood chooses THAT day to be decent/fine enough so I dont think about bringing it up/if i DO bring it up, I pass it off as if it's no big deal!
Listenn, I just....need a fucking break. Please lmao
I try not to bring negative onto this blog because it's supposed to be my happy trans place but....yeah.....fun times
