(via In the Name of God)
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@atragedycalledmom
(via In the Name of God)
So I took my rainbow soul today and put it in a box I latched it up and secured it with many keys and locks The world’s not ready for me yet maybe it’ll never be Maybe the light of day …
Shut the fuck up and let me sleep!!
Along with the rest of the troubles, the most pissing off one now is that everyone have taken a sudden interest in how I sleep. And all I want to say is a big Fuck You.
Since the time that I got into a relationship, my sleep has gone from bad to worse. Before, I slept when I needed it and refresh. Sure I’d be up all night and wake up late, but every damn kid does that. The day I welcomed a person into my life, my sleep was lesser in my control. We’d fight if I dozed off in a convo, I’d adjust my time to meet his always, and an endless list of how I slowly lost control over more than just my sleep. One time I nearly killed myself because wanting some sleep was so damn offensive.
Married to the same person, fast forward to a time 2 kids later. Every dot of a chance I had of reclaiming control over my sleep - I stripped myself of it when I had kids. So now I try to make sure I get a lil decent sleep when I can. I find it hard to fall asleep while being squeezed out to a corner of the bed with my blanket getting pulled from me every darn second. I tried sleeping on a tiny mattress on the ground so I could sleep better and just as I’m falling asleep, I have a kid shrieking for me and I have to get me ass back on the bed and squeeze in. At 4-5 am my body gives up and starts to fall asleep however and wherever. 6-7am the hubs gets ready to go to work, sometimes wakes the kids up as he does - resulting in a torturous day for me - otherwise 7am to 11am is the best sleep I’ll get all day. Once the kids are up, its feed-clean-entertain-feed-clean-entertain-feed-clean-bedtime. If both the kids took an afternoon nap, I could catch some sleep in the middle. But they don’t. Even if there’s one awake, I’m their only entertainer around.
Now this household has many people. Let’s talk about how everyone sleeps:
Hubs-falls asleep by midnight, takes most of the bed and blanket, sleeps like a rock until it’s time to wake up and go. At least 6 hours of quality sleep. I could do with 6 hours of sleep if I had that kind of quality too.
Dad-in-law sleeps whenever the hell he wants. Got the whole place to himself. Wakes up drops his kids to school at 7? Gets home and sleeps till 12pm something. Gets the kids from school by 2, eats lunch and then another hour or two long nap. Wakes up watches TV, nothing interesting=another nap. Then rest of the night to sleep at will. Yet he won’t stop telling me when and how I should sleep. Yes, his kids - twin girls aged 7. He also said “you should wake up early and get a 30 min nap after lunch or else you’ll get fat!! Particularly get fatter if you sleep in the morning!!”
Mom-in-law wakes up and gets the kids ready for school around 7 and then goes back to sleep till 10:30-11. Wakes up and cooks and goes to work. Works till late so her sleeping till 10 is justified. But obviously stay-at-home-mum isn’t considered working is it? Or maybe everyone would shut the fuck about my sleep.
Sister-in-law on work days is up early (2 days a week)- otherwise its 2pm. No one dares to say a word.
Brother-in-law on work days is out of bed by 4pm and on off days by 6pm. No one dares to say a damn thing.
So why me? Because I’m an outsider? Because I’m just home all day with kids? I have to now beg for people to be considerate?
All I want is to sleep when I can. So I will sleep when I can. Cause none of them will last a damn day in my life if they didn’t get sleep. So here is a big damn FUCK YOU.
“Life is a comedy to those who think and a tragedy for those who feel.”
— Horace Walpole (b. 24 September 1717)
“If there is a book you want to read but isn’t written yet, write it.”
— Shel Silverstein (b. 25 September 1930)
why the fuck cant everyone just get the fuck along?
I found myself spiralling way out of control trying to find a way to keep my family together. My parents and my Siblings!! I find myself in the position where I have a decent understanding of both sides. I’ve been a rebellious child and i am also a parent myself. And family, rather the idea of it, has been deep rooted in me like it almost feels like one of those essential organs without which, it means certain death. But I live countries away from the four of them and them being locked in there, thanks to the pandemic have resulted in every problem over the years resurfacing and exaggerating itself like a million folds. no one in the house can stand the other. There’s mom on one side, brother and sister on the other and then there’s dad trying to do what i do - keeping peace - and failing miserably.
Mom with her signature defence mech. - “oh so all of you have a problem with me so i’ll leave” - LEAVE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC - abandoning as always. Sister with her “I’m not going to sit down and let her make me feel like shit all the time and I’m going to make her own up” - also none of them actually ever own up (biggest part of the problem). - also mom and sis (epicentre of the quake) are basically the same - wallowing in the past and constantly blaming and refusing to let go and move on. Brother with his “I’m all chill but just don’t make noise outside my door and let me be” which I guess is okay until he gets involved in and gets carried away too. And finally, dad with the “yes we have shitty kids” + “yes your mum is nuts”
And all I want is for them to grow the fuck up, and stop wasting fucks on things that don’t matter and learn to stand and face each other and fix things and take responsibility for their own doings and learn to manage themselves better and treat each other with respect. To sum it up - I JUST WANT THEM TO GET THE FUCK ALONG.
But this has consumed me whole. I feel so at loss of peace because i find myself helpless trying to talk to them and persuade them and understand them and get to understand each other. I realised that talking to them is only making me worse but I feel like I’ll explode if i don’t let this all out somewhere. And thus this. writing this out and posting it randomly feels better.
At the end of this, I realised a few things -
I cant control a bunch of adults like puppets and get them to stick it out and be a family because thats what I want.
I can still have the family but it doesn’t mean under the same roof and it could certainly mean tragedy.
I’ve learnt to accept things I can’t change, I’m trying to the best with the things that I can, and I hope I can differentiate better.
If there is one thing that is helping me stay sane, it would be a book - “The subtle art of not giving a fuck” - Mark Manson!! so Thank you Mark!!!