When I wake up on the morning it's like my brain's spinning the wheel of emotions...
Most of the days, I feel sad and depressed, I don't even want to go out of my bed and I'm just wondering how I'm gonna survive another boring day...
I work, so when I have to go, I just can't wait to be occupied.... I think I'm lucky in my despair cause I've found a workplace where I can be myself without hiding my issues. They know and they really try to deal with it everyday and I can't bless them enough for that...
But sometimes, even with all the people who care, I just feel so empty and alone and then I get mad, or crazy or like super sad, unbearable...
And some other time I just feel sooooo euphoric and I drink coffee and alcool hoping that it will make the phase stay a bit longer....
Truth is, I fall always harder after a 'high phase' and honestly, I don't think substances helps...
But I can't help, it's like I'm not even myself... And I don't even know who I am...
I feel like I'm like made from shards of my loved ones personalities.... I always love something because someone else love it...
I don't even know what type of music I really enjoy, ME...
I'm not sure of my favorite color...
I don't even know if I like dogs or if I'm afraid of them...
And sometimes, when I just cvt myself and when I'm fxcking bleeding as hell in front of my mirror, I can't help thinking 'you bitch are just doing it for attention' and when I see the tears rolling down my face, I sometimes smile, like if a part of me just hate me so damn much...
And my psychologist tells me to 'simply' start by accepting myself...
She don't get it.... It feels like this part of me is not even me, it feels like I have a stranger, a bullier, inside of my head and she won't go away.
And deep inside, there's a little girl crying while I make her suffer over and over again...
And when people tell me that It's my fault and my choice, I can't do anything but agree....
The child in me is not scared by the monsters under her bed but by me, by herself in a way, by myself... I'm the fxcking monster! I'm the hunter and the prey... And I feel like I'm running over and over again...
But... You can't run from yourself...
It's an endless run, or at least it feels like it...
And now my bank account is empty, so is my stomach cause alcool is expensive, so are drvgz and cigarets and compulsive spendings... And hunger feels so damn good... And bad at the time....
I see myself dying everyday... But when I end up on the top of a bridge, I can stay there for hours and never find the courage to jump... But I still kms a little bit more everyday even is a part of me wants to live....
And finally... The fxcking toping on all of this bvllshxt : my relations with others...
I need people, I need attention, and every second I'm scared to lose someone, and I still do dumb things that could make them go away.. And sometimes I find ONE UNIC person, and I consider him as a fxcking god... And my world start to spin around this person, and he can bring me to heaven and then hell a thousand times a day... His absence feel like death and I just spend hours in my head, trying to fill the void with the memory of that person... This thing... This obsession can last for years and never really go away... It start to fade with time but it's painful... The worst is I don't want a love relationship with that person, most of the time, I love them like parents... And I'm super needy... So eventually they end up going away, far away... And sometimes they understand the thing and they start to play, knowing they're my gods (cause I really talk too much) and using all the easy tricks to make me as they want....
I started feeling that for someone some moth ago.... I told him.... As always I'm jure he won't do anything bad... But I gave him all the weapons against me or to help me... And even If I know I should find love in myself, my brain can't help telling me that, with all that I gave him, he can Just help me or kill me...
I know there's probably sm worst than me... And I'm so sorry for all the ones who deals with sm more and still stand up and walk straight... I respect them so damn much... But I try, I promise I try every fxck1ng day... I don't even feel like it's going better, it just comes in waves.... I'm so tired.