how to disappear
Bakugou x reader
Based on "How to Disappear" by Lana Del Rey. Red words are lyrics from the song.
Cw: angst with a bittersweet ending, mild depictions of violence, nightmares, language, suicidal ideation, death of a sibling, and yelling/arguing.
Notes: this is only my second time writing fanfiction and my first time actually posting on tumblr. Please be nice to me :')
John met me down on the boulevard. Cried on his shoulder ‘cause life is hard.
It was during your third year at UA that a thought crossed your mind. That Katsuki Bakugou could mean something to you. There you were, sitting on the couch of the common room, wrapped in his arms as you sobbed and beat on him over the death of your little sister.
“If only I’d known.” “If only I’d been there.” “If only I’d warned her more, then that villain wouldn’t have gotten her…” Through all your what-ifs, all your fists pounding against his chest, he never said a word. He just held onto you, anchoring you as you got lost in the waves of grief.
The waves came in over my head. What you been up to my baby? Haven’t seen you ‘round here lately.
After a few weeks away from school, spent with your family, you finally returned to UA. You didn’t know how to approach Bakugou, didn’t know what to say to him. So you didn't approach him, didn’t say anything to him. But you caught his lingering glances. You saw the hint of concern in his eyes when you weren’t keeping up as well as you should be in training.
You hadn’t been sleeping well. Your dreams were plagued by the villain attack. Being right there, watching your dear baby sister get left for dead. Bloody and beaten, chest shuttering, as if her body is saying ‘This is too much. I can’t do it anymore.’ You’d scream for help, run to her, and hold her, except no sound came out of your mouth. And no movement comes from your body. You are just forced to watch the life seep out of her body. Slowly and slowly until…
You woke up screaming. You turned your lamp on because you could still see her body against the blackness surrounding you. As you look around your room, taking in where you are, your eyes catch a picture of her sitting atop your dresser, and suddenly you’re too aware of where you are. And where she isn’t. Here you were, tucked away safely in your room, with dozens of heroes only a phone call away should you ever be in danger. While she suffered her final moments alone, left lying helplessly in that alleyway. Forgotten by the world.
She had just turned 12, bragging about how she was gonna go to UA High and become a hero “just like big sis.”
You couldn’t stand your dorm room, so you spent most nights in the common room, staring off toward a wall and drowning in your own thoughts.
You stopped eating lunch. The idea of eating Lunch Rush’s food, that she was so giddy to try, made you feel sick to your stomach.
One night, Bakugou found you in the common room. Sitting on the floor in a corner, so lost in your own head that you couldn’t even hear the sound of your stomach growling. So he did the only thing he could think to do, he made you something to eat.
At first, he just left the bowl next to you and hoped you’d snap out of it long enough to see what he left, that you’d realize just how hungry you were and eat what seemed like your first proper meal in a week. But when he’d come back down early in the morning, he’d find you in that same spot. Passed out, leaned against the wall, the bowl of soup at your side cold and untouched.
He started snapping you out of your trance himself, sitting next to you, staring you down until you finished every last drop of your soup. Eventually, he started eating with you, hoping you wouldn’t be quite so hesitant if you weren’t being watched like a hawk by someone who had nothing better to do.
Slowly, he got you to come out of your shell. He started by making off-handed comments about things that happened at school that day. He would watch you process what he said for a minute until a flicker of recognition flashed in your eyes and you blankly nodded back at him. One by one, he coaxed words out of you until you were able to hold small conversations, which evolved into two-sided, pleasant discussions about whatever was happening in both of your worlds.
The day he finally got a laugh out of you, he felt like he’d just single-handedly taken down the worst villain the world has ever seen. The day he asked you out on a date, and you said yes, he felt **higher than any villain takedown could make him feel.
All of the guys tell me lies but you don’t. You just crack another beer and pretend that you’re still here.
it's been two years since you both graduated from U.A. You'd tried your hand at hero work, but it was all too hard, too laced with guilt and horror, so you gave up. found yourself an office job that provided more security than being a hero ever would. Every evening, you'd have dinner ready on the table for when Katsuki got home from his patrols. You'd eat in silence, and then you'd sit on opposite ends of the couch. you, trying to make conversation and asking about his day, and him ignoring you. Bottle of booze in one hand, and the remote in the other, deeming the news (that he no doubt was already up to date on) more important than you.
Joe met me down at the training yard. Cuts on his face 'cause he fought too hard. I know he's in over his head. But I love that man like nobody can.
Your nights consist of cleaning Katsuki up after fights where he got too careless. You try to scold him, to make him realize that what he's doing is too dangerous. But he just brushes you off, telling you to be quiet and keep disinfecting his wound. You want to scream at him, to smack some sense into him. But he was there for you in your darkest times. you needed to be there for him.
He moves mountains and pounds them to ground again. I watched the guys getting high as they fight for the things that they hold dear. To forget the things they fear.
"I can't believe you were so reckless. Do you have any idea how much danger you put yourself in?!" You scream at him, on the verge of tears. "I don't want to hear it, miss ‘i sit behind a desk all fuckin day’.” He shoots back, walking away into the bedroom. You follow him. “This isn’t about me! Even our friends are worried about you. Eijirou, Izuku, even Aoyama whose head is stuck up his ass 90% of the time!" You get no solid response to that, just grumbles of "shut up" and "whatever” Strewn along your speech. You snap, "Are you trying to kill yourself?!"
He finally, finally turns to face you, but the words that come out of his mouth are ones you never thought you'd hear from him “YEAH?, WELL MAYBE I AM. SOUNDS A WHOLE LOT BETTER THAN LISTENING TO YOU BITCHING ALL THE GODDAMN TIME." You freeze, your body refuses to move a single muscle as you stare at him. And he stares- no, glares right back at you, and then he turns around and slams the front door as he leaves. You wait all night for him to come back.
But he doesn't.
When you get back from your shift the following afternoon, the apartment is bare. The furniture is gone, cabinets empty, everything removed save for a single box in the middle of the living room with all your things thrown into it.
Now it's been years since I left New York. I've got a kid and two cats in the yard.
You’re far from Musutafu, sitting on your porch as you watch your husband play with your daughter out in the grass. A smile is on your face as you watch the man who treats you like you are the singular most important thing in his world care so gently for the most important thing in your life.
The California sun and the movie stars- I watch the skies getting light as I write, as I think about those years, as I whisper in your ear: I'm always going to be right here. No one's going anywhere.
It's impossible to avoid Katsuki, even hundreds of miles away. He's the number two hero now, and everyone in the world fawns over him. Even your little girl.
"Mommy! Mommy! He's so cool when he 'splodes the bad guys!" She begins mimicking his moves, adding little booms for dramatic effect. "Yeah, Sweetie? You like him that much?" To which she fervently nods. You pick her up and hold her on your lap. "Well, did you know that before you were born, your mommy was actually friends with Mr. Dynamight?" your daughter, in all her little four-year-old hyperactivity, loses her mind. Prying herself off your lap and running in circles until she finally comes back to you, stars in her eyes.
"You're still friends with him, right?” she asks you innocently. "No, baby, we're not, unfortunately." Truth is, you’re not in touch with anyone from UA. You haven't talked to any of your classmates since Katsuki...
Since things ended.
"Well, that's alright. Just talk to him and tell him you want to be friends again. Pretty please! I wanna meet Mr. Dynamight!" If only it were that easy. "I’m afraid it's not that simple, sweet girl. And besides, Mr. Dynamight's very busy these days. I doubt he even has time to talk." Your four-year-old climbs back up onto your lap with a huff, clearly not happy with how this conversation has rolled out. "Fine. But can you at least tell me about him, Mommy?"
And you do. You tell her how he’s the strongest person you've ever met, how he never bends his morals and always follows his heart. After a moment, your daughter asks, “Mommy, has he ever saved you?” You stop for a second, mulling over your answer.
“Yeah, sweetheart. He has.”
This is how to disappear.
