I'm sorry

I need to let it all out

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I loved him with every ounce of life I had in me and I don’t know how to take it back

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10/13/17 - 10:51pm

Had a true breakdown for the first time in a while today. I didn’t realize how much pain and stress I’d been hiding from myself til then. I didn’t think I was that bad honestly. 

RJ asked me what meds I was on and I thought it was kind of off but I was hopeful that maybe that meant he was finally interested in seeking treatment so I told him the full list before asking why. And when I asked why he told me that his ex, the girl who’s done nothing but go out of her way to hurt me and spread rumors about me, asked what meds I was on. The fact he’d tell her just blows my mind. He says that he didn’t even think of it that way and that he just wanted to help her out because he thought the info was for her to get help. But like. How could you just do that? Give sensitive information about a person to someone who’s hurt them so much? Just give them more ammunition like that and not even stop to think “is this a bad idea?”??? 

So I called him to cuss him out for doing that to me and I just snapped. Idk just the shock of it and thinking about how people think of me because of her just pushed me over the edge and I just couldn’t stop crying. I had to hang up on him to breakdown fully. I was just so sad and sobbing and then I got so angry. I started punching pillows to try and get my frustration out but it wasn’t enough so I started punching myself in the face and stomach. And then after a few minutes of that all of it just disappeared and I was fine. Just so suddenly. And then like 30 seconds later I think to myself how fucked up it is that I can just switch between emotions like that so dramatically and so suddenly. So of course I break down in tears again thinking of how fucked up and unlovable I am for having this issue. And then within 2 minutes I was perfectly fine again. I just don’t get how I didn’t even know that I had all these emotions pent up in me. It was such a shock to me that this happened today I wasn’t expecting it to be that bad.

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10/2/17 - 11:00pm

I’m sad. Like. Everything is boring to me. Even sleeping feels like a waste. I’m watching Rick and Morty and it helps a bit but not as much as it usually does. I want someone to talk to but I don’t want to burden them with my downer vibe right now. Maybe I should just go to sleep. Call it a day and hope tomorrow’s a little better.

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9/30/17 - 8:56pm

Today was a shit day. RJ and I slept together last night but we were both drunk and stupid and forgot a condom so I had to drop like $45 on plan b and a pregnancy test which I really can’t afford to have to be doing with how bad my spending has been lately. And then all day I’ve been either anxious or just beyond depressed like I’m just down and nothing’s bringing me up. All my friends are out of town so I have no one to talk to and nothing sounds good. Not even sleeping or eating which is all I ever want to do when I’m depressed. Like I’m tired as hell but when I lay down to half nap a little I just feel so sad doing it. I’m genuinely surprised I got myself to write this post like I just want to do nothing at all.

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9/9/17 - 11:51pm

So. I’m still not super motivated to write every single detail of what’s happened in the last 6 months give or take because that would just take forever. So. In short. I moved on. I let myself just give in to 2 years worth of bitterness and anger and just let myself hate RJ for what he did. And then it didn’t work. And I relapsed and cried and hated myself instead. And then one day I just went numb. Like completely emotionally numb. And that’s all I needed. I went numb for a few weeks and when I came out of it I was almost totally over him. And then karma just started kicking in so hard. Everything about his life is just crumbling and it’s like a total mirror of what my year was like last year when he just destroyed me. He doesn’t really have any friends anymore because they all graduated. The girl that he cheated on me with turns out to have been cheating on him the whole time too. And he’s just miserable and everything he says is like word for word things that I have said last year when I was in the depths of it. And on one hand I’m still his friend and I worry about him and want him to not be depressed. But on the other I am just loving every second of this. Just the way it all panned out in the end is too perfect like it’s the stuff of movies. Vengeance like this just doesn’t happen in real life. But yeah, that was my summer.

My current issue is that I have no identity. I have no passions and I’m shitty at drawing now which was my only talent. I just feel really empty. The only thing that I’ve ever felt passionate enough about was relationships but that’s been the most unhealthy thing to base my identity on BUT THAT’S ALL MY BRAIN WANTS TO BASE IT’S FUCKING IDENTITY ON. As soon as I don’t have one, my brain actively searches for a new person to have a horrible crush on. So of course OF COURSE my new roommate’s fucking cute. And of course OF COURSE my brain is like YES. And of course OF COURSE I’m sure he has zero interest in me whatsoever. I guess I gotta come up with a codename for him too now since most of my issues will probably be about this stupid pointless issue. Cole. That’s good enough I suppose. 

On the bright side though, my mood is so much better with Cole and my other roomie Ricky. They’re both just so upbeat and chill all the time and they actually go to class so my anxiety says I have to go to class too so I don’t look like a total degenerate in front of them. I just. I have some high hopes and some deep fears for this year. This is the first year to really show promise that things will turn around in a while though, and God do I need it.

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9/7/17 - 11:07pm

I haven’t written for a long time. Not because I’ve necessarily been doing well, but because I just haven’t had the motivation to write. I’ll probably update this soon with everything that’s on my mind, but I really just needed to vent about one thing in particular and I don’t really feel like I can tell the people around me without them feeling really weird.

I just feel really temporary lately. Like. I don’t know it feels like my time is coming or something and I just can’t quite pin down why. You know that feeling you get the last few days of summer camp when you’ve had fun all week and made great friends but you remember that in a couple days you won’t be coming back and things will just go back to how they were? That’s how I feel about life right now. It feels like I’m on the back end of everything and one day it’ll all be done. Summer camp’ll be over. And I can’t figure out why I feel so morbid right now. Things are going better for me. This is some of the best functioning times I’ve had in so long. But I just can’t shake this dread - no it’s not even dread like I don’t feel scared about it. And I think that’s what’s getting me the most. The fact that this weird feeling that my time’s coming to a close doesn’t scare me like it should is what I just can’t get off my mind. I guess if it’s not dread what is it then? Suspicion? Well, whatever it is, I wish it would go away. I’m in a period where I’m quite happy that I’m alive (maybe not “quite happy” but hopeful?) so I’d like for my life to keep going.

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3/29/17 - 9:16pm

Im not doing well at all i keep bursting into tears and i want to take all the pills i have around me i dont want to die but i dont know how to cope i am out of control and just in a death spiral. I just jump back and forth between wanting to die and wanting to live every couple minutes and its driving me insane.

Ive gotten hardly any sleep and i had to wake up at 7am to drive an hour and a half to a psychiatrist for an evaluation which was annoying because i knew hed tell me i have depression, general/social anxiety, and borderline personality disorder and that i need DBT which i already knew. We changed my meds from seroquel to lamictal because its supposed to be less sedating so hopefully it wont make me incapable of moving like seroquel did so ill actually stick to taking it. 

Im also out of money. Like i think i have enough to pay my bills this month and thats it. I just dont understand what made my mom think id be able to pay for utilities when i dont even have a job. And then shes talking about me taking out a loan so i can pay for it like. Why? You told me originally that you would be paying for it so i dont get where all this came from. So im super stressed about that and whenever i think about how close i am to not being able to pay my bills i just get so depressed and anxious

But really what i need in the end is to be hospitalized. I need to do an inpatient stay like i dont think its an option anymore. I cant be in such an awful depressive state that i cant leave my bed all day or just randomly have an anxiety attack that lasts hours or jump back and forth between being suicidal and adjusted every 10 minutes anymore like its killing me. I am crumbling. But theres just so many exams and things with school that im conflicted. Half of me is saying fuck school youre on the brink of death and the other half is saying that yeah i am but if i go to the hospital and end up feeling better im gonna come out to having even more of my exams pushed together to make up for the days i missed and its gonna be even more stressful and its just gonna undo everything the hospital did. I just dont know what to do anymore.

But I am glad i ended up making this blog. Even though im not consistent with posting or even how my posts are formatted i do think that this is the best coping mechanism i have so far. Its not much but at least it gives me a place to let it out without the anxiety of feeling like im burdening someone with my problems. Its kind of calming.

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3/27/17 - 5:31pm

I hate this so much like. I keep trying to make myself okay with cutting RJ out of my life but every time i get to that point where im like “i dont need him, i see him in passing like once every 2 weeks anyways its not like hes even really in my life to begin with”, he’ll pull some thing where he shows hes thinking about me and my broken ass brain just does a 180 and goes right back to being hopeful he’ll love me and dependent af on him. Like hes hardly said a word to me in weeks even though hes supposedly “trying to hang out with me more” so ive managed to keep myself pissed at him. And then out of nowhere today he texts me and tells me he was looking for new golf with friends videos on youtube for me because we used to watch them together a lot and its so rare that he puts that kind of thought into me and it really means the world to me and i hate that it does. Every time i get pulled back to square one i just start crying because i know hes inevitably gonna hurt me and make me feel like im nothing again and its gonna be so painful because im back to loving him. 

Its getting easier to distract myself from him sometimes though. My friends are really good to me and try to help me whenever i need someone to keep me safe from myself. Zane still tries to check in on me from time to time which is nice even if he is kinda weirdly touchy feely when he tries to comfort me. Kaylie is just full of complete hatred for him so she always reminds me of all the bullshit hes pulled on me this last year and that i deserve better. Despite being like the most annoying frustrating person to me like 2 years ago, Cory turned out to be a really caring friend even if he is still kind of a cynical jackass sometimes. If i have a bad anxiety attack at night, he’ll come over and just hang out to help me ride it out so i dont have to be alone during it. And im really realizing what an important friend Sabrina King is to me. Its funny how she was really just an acquaintance for the last 3 years and now shes like my closest friend. I would not have made it through this last year without her i know that for fact. I used to think that meeting RJ was the luckiest thing to happen to me in my life but now i know thats completely untrue. Meeting Sabrina didnt seem like anything special at the time but shes helped me so much. Im just scared you know? I always get abandoned by the people most important to me at some point and im scared that somethings gonna happen. Like one of us fails a class and gets held back in the program while the other one moves on. Or that when we graduate we’ll just drift apart completely because theres nothing keeping us together anymore. Especially because i know im not her number 1 best friend. I could never replace Megan I know that. I just wish that for once i could be someones number 1 for real. It really hurts knowing that i could say someones my absolute closest friend and if someone asked them who theirs was theyd pick someone else. I just dont really think i can handle losing another person that close to me again.

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I just want to know how someone could put you through hell. The most painful miserable times of your life where you feel this awful twisting in your stomach and you feel like youre being stabbed in the heart constantly and your mind is being played with and you dont know whats real anymore that kind of hell. And somehow youre still hopelessly in love with them and would do anything to have them love you back again. How can you still be so in love with someone who destroyed you and still keeps slowly killing you every day and doesnt seem like theyll stop hurting you any time soon because theyre just fine? But here i am and i dont think i can stop loving him any time soon either. I think im gonna be stuck in this hell for the rest of my life. And i hate that the only way out of it that i can or want to see is back with him and not being stronger and coming out of this trying to find someone who values me and doesnt just throw everything away for nothing. Or even better coming out of it valuing myself and feeling that im enough for me. All i want is to go back. And i hate myself for that. But i cant stop how i feel. And it hurts. Every day. So so much.

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Lmao rip Dans back with his on again off again girlfriend. And i dont want to be that cunt and try to flirt with him because ive been in the other seat and its not fun and i have no intentions of becoming the enemy. So i guess im gonna have to make my borderline ass SOMEHOW move on from my near obsession with him that ive had for months because yeah thats gonna happen so easily right 🙃 its time to Suffer™ more i suppose ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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February 12, 2017 - 2:53am

I changed my lock screen on my phone for the first time in 3 years just now. Its a picture of nasturtiums. These past few weeks have been hard. My depressions come back in full force. Its been a lonely time and its made me feel like giving up. So i just needed a reminder to keep going. Ive had this plan for a tattoo for a couple months now. It sounds cheesy im sure. Its kind of to remind me of what ive made it through and to look forward to the future. Ive always loved flowers and their symbolism. So i wanted to use the language of flowers to tell my lifes story. I want to represent each year of my life in bands of flowers down my arms. Every band is filled with flowers that symbolize the things that year really meant to me. Theres gonna be 26 bands. See i dont know what it is but ive never been able to imagine myself living after 25. Even before my depression i just could never see it no matter how hard i tried. It just never seems real. And every year things just get worse and worse and it really does make it seem like these next 5 years really will be the last if i can even get through them. So i needed some goal to help get me by. So 26 bands. I dont know what flowers im gonna have from the next 5 years but on my 26th birthday im gonna get a band of nasturtiums in red and gold - for victory. Its a small thing but honestly just looking at my phone and seeing those flowers really does help me hang on. So even if i just cant see it now, im gonna get that 26th band.

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I checked my mail for the first time in months and there were 2 bills from when i put myself in the ER in december. Ones already overdue and they total to about $300 and i just dont have that kind of money. My mom as far as i know doesnt know about my being in the ER. I couldnt think of how to tell her because every time i mention anything to do with my mental illness she gets pissed off and i just couldnt handle that then. Dad knows but i cant really ask him for money because my mom controls all the money and she would ask questions and i just dont know what to do

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Okay im like weirdly mad at RJ rn. He comes home last night and he brings me food and hes all affectionate and cuddly and shit and im like .....? because hes never like this unless he can tell that im losing interest in him and its like this thing that he does to try and get me back and whatever. And its just like. Its shitty. Its like he tries to trap me into this thing with him and im sick of it. Like i dont even want to go home rn because even though im 99% sure he wont be back tonight i dont want to see him im that pissed off

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So yeah. Uh Dans just been randomly messaging me a bit this week like ill post on facebook and hell message me a response instead of just writing a comment on the post and i just idk everyone ive shown the messages to says hes totally flirting with me but i just cant believe that he honestly would but im panicking and hoping so badly he is. And i got an anonymous crush post on our schools secret crush page and it was right around the time he first started messaging me so its like im hoping so hard its from him. I know i shouldnt be this desperate but i am because hes like such an upgrade i cant. But i still cant believe that he would be interested in me so im scared to really try to make a move because what if i just imagined everything and i make a fool of myself? Idk what to do

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I cant journal part 2

7:25am because i cant sleep lol

Several important things:

1. Im off zoloft now. It stopped really being effective a while ago and the side effects were getting a little ridiculous. The muscle weakness plus a panic attack made me like half collapse during a presentation so i needed to stop that right quick

2. Im supposed to start seroquel which is an atypical antipsychotic instead of an antidepressant which is scary. I needed it because on 12/2 after a week of everything going wrong and an awful biochem exam that morning i got in a minor fight with RJ that made me snap and blow it up to way more than it needed to be. After he slammed the door and left the house i had a breakdown and threw his stuff all around the house, punched a dent in a wall, and a grabbed a kitchen and almost stabbed myself before i realized i was going too far. Then he came back right after i was done because he was worried about me and saw what id done so he threatened to call the police and have me admitted so i couldnt try to hurt myself like that again. I ended up getting him to agree to just calling Sabrina, having her take all the knives and scissors in the house, and willingly check myself into the ER to get assessed before he left for the weekend. He made it super clear that he still cared about me as a person (he pulled Sabrina aside and told her to “make sure shes okay for me like i know its important to you that shes okay but its SUPER fucking important to me that shes okay”) and honestly for a week or so i used that to tell myself i still have a chance at getting him to love me again which brings me to my next point

3. FUCK. THAT. Its taken me months to finally accept that him falling out of love with me was a good thing because hes a fuckboy. Thursday night i went the pharmacy bar crawl and met this girl Victoria and i was just starting to be open to the thought that i shouldnt want him and we talked for a long time about how i deserve more. I deserve so much more. She really helped me realize that ive been destroying myself for a guy that doesnt give a shit that i am. Hes there for the big crazy things but hes never there for the little things. The semesters over and ive seen way less of him than i did when we were in the dorms. I think hes slept over at her apartment more nights than he has at home. Hes secretive and lies and when i catch him in a lie with 100% proof he gets angry and yells at me and denies everything and thats just not okay. Hes selfish and it feels like he uses me a lot. He makes plans with me days or even weeks in advance and makes me wait for him for hours until he tells me he forgot to tell me earlier that he forgot about our plans and did something with his friends again. Hes secretive and untrustworthy and fucks with my head and i can literally trace all of why ive crashed and burned so hard this year to him and that girl and them just not respecting me. I almost let myself die over a guy again and told myself id never do that again after my first shitty boyfriend. So im over it. Im annoyed with myself because i know if he decides he does still love me its gonna be hard for me to stick to my guns and not take him back. And the other annoying thing is i know i need to be more independent and not just run and look for a new guy to be attached to immediately but...

4. I HAVE THE WORST SCHOOLGIRL CRUSH ON DANIEL ELLIOTT. I cant even make myself change his name here because literally Daniel and Elliott are my two favorite guy names and i cant change it because what a great fucking name. Dan fucking elliott. Literally okay. Hes my assistant SLA teacher and i had a crush on him since i first walked in that classroom but i pushed it down because RJ. But now that im moving on from that holy fucking shit it is in full force. But its so hopeless like it is the second most pathetic crush ive ever had like real high up there. Hes a P2 which means hell be in a different city next year. Hes fucking 27 years old and im 20. Hes had an on and off girlfriend for 3 years and idk what the status is on that. And i just do not think hed be interested in a walking fuckup such as myself lol  but my pathetic ass keeps tryna look for the smallest of signs like to be fair he was also very intoxicated but he sat next to me at the first place we all went to at the car crawl and he leg was right up against mine the whole time and he kept like touching my hands and stuff and he talked to me a lot at the 2nd bar where Victoria and i talked about my RJ situation and how i need to stop messing with fuckboys and he popped in and was like “okay but guys your age are all immature and dont know what they want and you dont need that in your life and theres plenty of opportunities elsewhere like theres 150 people in your class and half are male so theres opportunity there” and then he paused and added that there was another class of 150 above me (his class) and theres always opportunity there too. And then at the 3rd bar when he showed up he would randomly come up to me and dance on me and mess with me. And then when the bar closed some of us went to the KY frat house and he showed up there too and when i went into the kitchen he and one of my classmates were talking about how he decided to go into pharmacy because he had a 3 year break where he was figuring out what he wanted to do after he graduated undergrad and i kinda pushed my way into the conversation at some point. And literally their conversation was so uncomfortable because they had the complete opposite opinion on everything. Dan started talking about how he really wants to go into retail pharmacy because people tend to be treated more like customers instead of patients and he wants to change that and how pharmacists need to always be progressing because if everyone just follows the status quo then the profession just stays stagnant and she was like well whats wrong with that? Like. Everything? Why would you ever want to just do the bare minimum and keep things from progressing? But yeah anyways he was like super passionate about it and he just grilled her until it was obvious shes in this for the money and then her boyfriend came in and tried defending her and i stepped in to kinda diffuse it and end it on something they agreed on. But i was actually genuinely interested in what he was talking about because i realized idk wtf im doing with my life and he just gave me so much good life advice and i just really had to sit back and think about how much time ive wasted fucking around and limiting myself like it was actually pretty inspiring. It was also incredibly hot ngl like we were just standing in a little corner together really close talking and literally passion and drive are some of the hottest most attractive things about a person to me and he just has so much literally i had to hold myself back from just trying to kiss him right there. Like even though i know i dont really have a chance with him (not like im not gonna try) i know now that i need a man who has goals and aspirations and a direction and passion because i have none of that and i need someone like that around me to help me grow in that direction. So yeah 2017 is gonna be the year of getting my shit together for the sake of my future, not limiting myself and waiting around for other people, and taking control of my life. Basically 2017 is gonna be the year of becoming like Dan Elliot hahaha

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Lol wow i just cant journal can i

So yeah. That didnt turn out like i had intended. Basically as soon as i started trying to keep a progress journal i had a billion different projects to do and no time for this. Still have a billion projects to do and no time for this lol. So yeah heres an update. Started Zoloft. Didn’t have side effects til day 3. Day 3 i woke up with extreme muscle weakness and had a hard time keeping myself standing. Next day had extreme nausea that would alternate with the muscle weakness. If i was weak i wasnt nauseous and if i was nauseous i wasnt weak. After 2 days of that the side effect got weird. I only feel nauseous or weak when i yawn. Thats only just now starting to go away after a full month on zoloft. 

The depression and most notably the self esteem issues started dramatically improving after only a week which was surprising. Im still depressed but no where near as bad and i have self esteem for the first time in my life which is incredible. It went from looking in the mirror and thinking “wow im fucking hideous who could ever look me” to looking at myself and being completely neutral about myself to actually looking in the mirror and thinking “hey. youre honestly not that bad looking. sometimes youre actually kinda cute” and thats never happened to me before. It got even better after i dyed my hair purple like im almost actually happy with how i look now. And im less lonely because Sabrina and i started becoming really close friends this past semester so now i actually have someone to hang out with more and thats super exciting.

Now for the bad. And theres been a lot of bad. Its done almost nothing for the anxiety. Its still as strong as ever and i wasnt able to use the anti anxiety sedative i was given until recently because i was scared itd make the muscle weakness worse. Ive had some pretty intense anxiety attacks and it just sucks. The zoloft is reaching its maximum effectiveness soon and i was hoping id see more progress on that one. Ive also been having a few meltdowns like hysteric meltdowns. I saw that bitchs car in my driveway when RJ came home to drop something off really quick and idk it made me snap and go insane. I started uncontrollably laughing and crying and hyperventilating and throwing things around and then i went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife and almost started cutting myself but i had called my friend to come over to help me and she showed up so i didnt. RJ also told me hes not sure how he feels about me anymore so that set off another one. And finally when i went to the doctor for a follow up on the zolofts effectiveness i saw my diagnosis sheet for the first time and it said i have borderline personality disorder. I kind of suspected i did for a while now but idk actually seeing it in writing kinda hurt still. I told RJ that and it kind of explained some of the shit i do and he seemed like he realized that i cant really control myself from acting crazy sometimes and its not just me being super jealous like its an actual disease making me act the way i am. Idk but him telling me hes not sure he loves me anymore made me realize just how much i need to work on getting my shit together.

Ive been working on not being as clingy and suffocating and possessive and think ive been doing pretty well the past few days with only a few relapses here and there. And the weird thing is i havent been forcing myself to do it like i used to. He used to leave on weekends for tournaments and hed be literally the only thing i think about and id feel empty all weekend til he came back. This time i would only think of him every now and then and have a little tinge of missing him instead of feeling immediately depressed he wasnt here. I havent been following him around as much and i just idk. I promised myself i would waste my time just sitting around waiting for him anymore. All the time i would pass up plans because hed tell me he MIGHT come hang and do something with me and it would ALWAYS fall through so i wouldnt even see him and id lose the chance to go do something fun. Like this weekend i did nothing. Friday Sabrina was supposed to come over and hang with me to drink away our awful biochem exam that morning but she had a panic attack and couldnt. Saturday i was planning on dressing up and finding a party but around the time i was gonna ask a friend if they had any plans i got a text from RJ saying he was gonna come home early. Well i avoided texting him asking where he was around the time i figured hed be here by because i didnt want to be clingy and annoying. 2am rolls around and hes still not here so i text him and he tells me he ended up staying home and forgot to tell me. So i missed out on partying halloween weekend for absolutely nothing and thats why im going to stop waiting around for him and live my life. Hes an important part of my life but it shouldnt revolve around him entirely like it has been. 

So yeah. Thats how my life has been the past month.

Tl;dr: zoloft made my depression and self esteem way better but hasnt helped the anxiety, i have borderline personality disorder, i made a great friend, RJ isnt sure he loves me anymore so im really working hard to stop being so suffocating for him

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Day 2: 10/1/16

Overall Day: Meh Bad Things: Dustys still sick, i didnt accomplish anything, got wasted and have thrown up 5 times, havent slept the entire night (its 7:30am rn) Good Things: Met some new friends (ones Zanes ex who has the same name as that bitch i hate but shes really nice so i can tolerate her having that name), went to a party and had fun with friends I'll fill out the rest later if I remember. I just feel so exhausted and i cant focus on this rn