HE SWALLOWS THICKLY, frustration visible on his face. admitting that he's purposely tearing himself apart for the attention is out of the question. saying what he did is better, a more solid answer for him. the man's right, alexei wasn't snapping at him. sometimes his frustration with himself bubbles to the surface and explodes out. it has for decades, he's never truly been able to figure out how to regulate his emotions. blame that on having outbursts for years and years when he wasn't getting the attention he demanded. he'd lash out at anyone around him, just start yelling and crying.
BUT NOW, now he can feel the weight of everything on his shoulders. like someone is hanging off him. the doctor's right, russians get very prideful. alexei's always had some sense of pride, even when he was all alone in the world. servants and staff would offer to help him and he, in the biggest voice a child could manage, would tell them he didn't need help with whatever he was doing. that was, unless he fell and hurt himself. then he would be crying for them to help him. pride is a weird thing, especially in a vampire. even more so in one like him, where any slight to his ego is seen as a grievous offence to his entire persons. yes, he's accomplished so much, but he needs more. he needs all of it. everything he can get. it's insatiable, his need for attention and validation. ❝ it is not enough. it never is. it never will be. i have to do more, be more. be better than everyone else. because if i am not, they will all stop paying attention to me. ❞ it's said in a hushed, aggravated tone, he doesn't want everyone around them hearing. he's worked hard the last three years to build his reputation back after being called out for what he is, spoiled and rude.
❝ i am nothing if not noticed. having all of that attention on me is like... some sort of high. and if i do not keep raising that bar, i will eventually lose that attention to someone else. ❞ WHY IS HE EVEN SAYING ALL OF THIS ?? maybe he just feels like he can be vulnerable around carlisle. alexei isn't really sure why he's giving away so much information. he sighs, taking a sip from his water bottle. there's not a drop of water inside of it, it's entirely amaretto, but no one needs to know that. after giving himself a moment to recuperate his emotions, he looks at the other. ❝ what i want is attention. it is all i have ever wanted, since i was little. i want people to notice me, to tell me that i am doing a good job, that i matter. that — ❞ he hesitates, eyes going wide. he's rarely admitted this to anyone, only a few people know why he does what he does, why he runs himself ragged and destroys every part of himself for the attention. ❝ that they love me. ❞
IS HE REALLY HUNGRY ?? honestly, he can never tell anymore. he always feels hungry, but he hasn't figured out if it's for blood, attention, or something else. ❝ i do not know. ❞