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evangelion-complex

My Life Bound to EVA: The story of an Evangelion Complex.

Evangelion came to me when I was in the most wretched of states.

As a boy of 18 years, I would go entire days without eating. I was jobless, dropped out of school, only saw friends every other weekend, and lived in isolation with only my mother sometimes around. By all means, I had no credentials and no prospects, and even the friends I did have in person had no interest in the same things I did.

I’d lost all sense of who I was as a person, or who I ever wanted to be. I’d attended the graduation of my friends back in my home town only to go back to the city a night later. Most people thought I left for the city to find more people like me; I was regarded as “artsy” by most, idiosyncratically withdrawn and “disarmingly charismatic”. That was what I knew best: how to talk my way out of or into just about any situation. And I’d do it before I even knew why I was doing it or what the repercussions could be. Could I really do this job? Could I love and be loved in equal measure? Could I trust myself to make the right decisions when other people needed me to? What did I really want?

I would take infrequent freelance remote work and dispassionately complete it, sometimes pushing back deadlines on projects I would claim were out of my control or needed more to work with. I would lie to my mother about looking for full time work so I could stay in safety longer, under the protection of the roof she paid for. Sometimes she’d be more adamant that I had to begin pursuing my own path. Other times she kept quiet, silently empathizing with my depression and placing faith in me that I’d find my way eventually.

Every other weekend, I would visit my father, who would come to the city to pick me up and drive me back to my hometown where my friends and both my younger and older brother were. When he talked, he would rarely ask me about myself, instead using the time to talk about himself or complain to me about my brothers or my mother. He liked to keep me in his mind as his son and the one who would cause him the least pain. Most of the time I kept quiet, wanting to preserve that for him as long as I could.

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