The devils in the basement in my home.
The flight of stairs is way too close.
He comes for me when I’m alone.
Collecting debts that I don’t owe. -JO.
I ceased drinking for the sheer fact that once I get that delectable taste of whiskey in my mouth, I can’t stop. It’s nights like this I wish I could open a bottle.
The world is quiet but my mind is loud.
I try to sleep then the fear sinks in…. I’ve start dissociating again.
I will sleep, wake, dissociate. It’s been happening for weeks since the last assault.
This: “My understanding of this is that during sleep there is no need for a dissociative state, thus the floodgates of experience, emotion and feeling are opened, resulting in dreams that reflect an image of war on the soul. Waking up brings one into immediate contact with this free-flow of caustic feelings and memories, and the result is cognitive shut down (an early morning dissociative state). The numbness and inability to think lasts until a clear plan of the next thing to do emerges; this then takes focus and the mists of dissociation part.” This is how I can best explain my dissociative state when I eventually sleep and why I can’t bare to go through it when I have a morning shift the following day.
It’s too late to sleep now. If I can stay awake for 24 more hours I can get through my last shift at work for a few days and not run late. If I sleep now, I will just dissociate after and run late.
😔
I need to feel safe. I long for it. I hope one day I do have it.