I'mma summarize all 25 bond movies so you don't have to watch them! Aren't I nice?
Dr No -> The Titular evil-guy messes around with rockets and brags about being an international supercriminal. What a bad person, I'mma revoke his medical license. Anyways, all of this annoys 007, so he throws Mr No into boiling nuclear water. Fortunately this was before Chernobyl, so dangerous radiation hadn't been invented yet. This is the only Connery James Bond film in which he kills the bad guy. The other five has somebody else do it.
From Russia With Love -> A Soviet spy is assigned as a Honey-trap, but it turns out she wanted to defect. Oopsies! Surprisingly progressive for the time because the super-intelligent super-villain in this story is a woman. A conventionally ugly (by Hollywood standards) woman. A conventionally ugly woman who is also a lesbian. Also the group Mr No worked for is here.
Goldfinger -> The titular villain is the guy Megamind is partially based on. He's gonna irradiate Fort Knox. Why? Because he can. He doesn't actually care if he succeeds or not, he's in it for the love of the game. Too bad he fails to live at the end. Also there's another lesbian. Ian Flemming sure liked lesbians.
Thunderball -> The evil organization from the 2nd movie is back, and this time they're blackmailing countries with nukes... that the group stole... that the entire world already knew about. This is like trying to bribe somebody with their own money. No wonder SPECTRE failed in the end. This one is terrible, don't watch it (or the shitty remake).
You Only Live Twice -> SPECTRE's back, and messing with the space race because that'll somehow cause World War 3. Why they'd want to do that nobody really knows, since that's counterintuitive to world domination. Bond fakes his death to find out. Easily the most racist story, don't watch it. Also we meet Blofeld in this one.
On Her Majesty's Secret Service -> Bond saves a woman who turns out to be a mafia princess, naturally the two fall in love and get married and stuff. Also Blofeld is doing something shifty in the alps... wait, why does Blofeld look different? Why does Bond sound different? Wait, did Klebb just murder Tracy? But she died in the 2nd movie! Best film in the franchise, 10/10.
Diamonds Are Forever -> The loss of his wife causes Bond to be cured of Kryptonite poisoning (lol, Superman meta joke) and go on a roaring rampage of revenge; fortunately, his actual mission coincides with this. We're not actually sure if the real Blofeld (who changed again) is among the clones that Bond killed.
Live and Let Die -> Three spies in the Americas get got, so MI6 sends in 007 (who's different again) to see if it'll happen a 4th time. James then creates a massive plot-hole by teaming up with a guy who died in the first movie. There's also stuff with drugs, voodoo, tarot reading, and two very iconic henchmen (and surprisingly little racism despite half the film taking place in Haiti, and the rest between Harlem and New Orleans), not to mention the iconic "Live and Let Die," by Wings - but in this story Bond straight-up rapes somebody, so don't watch it.
The Man with the Golden Gun -> There's stuff about an actual plot involving solar power, but nobody watched for that - they watched for J.W. Pepper and Sir Christopher Lee's 3rd nipple.
The Spy Who Loved Me -> A guy is stealing submarines, so Bond and a non-defecting Soviet spy team up and drive a car underwater. Jaws is in this film.
Moonraker -> A Nazi tries to successfully execute Mr H's plot for global domination and eugenics by trying the same thing again, but in space. Surprisingly enough, apart from the going-to-space bit, this is practically identical to the original novel. The first of only two Roger Moore films worth watching.
For Your Eyes Only -> Blofeld's back! ...and he's gone. Guess we'll just have to deal with assholes backed by the KGB trying to steal submarines. Incidentally, this is the first time in the films where the Soviet government is actually involved with the evil plot, albeit indirectly.
Octopussy -> Despite the name, the titular Octopussy (yes, really) has nothing to do with the plot, which is just some crazy soviet general doing crazy stuff. The other Moore film worth watching.
A View to a Kill -> Academy Award winning actor Christopher Walking (pretending to be a Nazi baby) tries to destroy silicon valley because reasons. Meanwhile, Roger Moore struggles with the ultimate enemy: age. Bond has met his match, and its name is Oldzilla. Worth watching for riff value, and also the Opening Credits song.
The Living Daylights -> A newly regenerated Bond is sent to deal with yet another crazy Soviet general (but this time he's a rogue general) and his pet arms dealer. All things considered, not a bad film.
License to Kill -> So throughout these films James had a buddy in the CIA named Felix; they were total bros. The original bromance in a way (and that's as Flemming wrote them, too). Well now he's getting married, and James is his best man (yay~). Tragically the wedding is interrupted by sharks, drug lords, and assholes, and Bond gets so mad that M takes away his License to murder people. 007 Mr Bond rationally responds by murdering more people in one film than he ever had over the last 15. The first of a pseudo trilogy of these films that still hold up today despite everything. Also, Dalton's 007 is probably the closest portrayal to how Flemming wrote the character.
Goldeneye -> The cold war is over, so James Bond is now Irish. Meanwhile, a guy who works with 007 learns his parents were Russian Nazis who got what they deserved, and he gets so mad he fakes his death, starts a global crime ring, and plots to steal all the money with an EMP. This one has: The best bond girl, the best henchmen, one of the best villains, one of the most satisfying victories ever written, arguably the greatest car chase scene ever filmed, and the absolute coolest set location ever. Rest in peace, Arcibo Telescope. The 2nd of the pseudo-trilogy, and the first one after the cold war.
Tomorrow Never Dies -> Not satisfied with yellow journalism, a mogul (who, legally, is not Rupert Murdoch) decides to create the news so he can report and profit on it first. This is a very, very stupid idea (and it would totally work today). The 3rd of the pseudo-trilogy, and if you're forced to watch just one Bond film, make it this one. This one absolutely still holds up, and is even still relevant today. If you've been watching the others until now, this is where you should stop watching.
The World is Not Enough -> An out-of-touch sociopath with an Oedipus complex decides she'll succeed where others will fail because she slept with 007. This goes about as well as you'd expect.
Die Another Day -> 007 fucks up and is captured in North Korea, so MI6 abandons his ass. Later he's brought back, but then fired... but then un-fired because he's useful. Also there's a North Korean plastic surgery enthusiast who wants to take over the world. Depending on what theory you subscribe to about the character, Bond politely tells Queen and Country to shove their praise up their ass. Don't watch it.
Casino Royale -> Let's reboot the franchise! New Bond, new stuff, new etc. Anyway, some french dude is being naughty, so Bond is sent in to steal all of his money via gambling. This works, somehow. Worth watching.
Quantum of Solace -> Bond goes after non-specific revenge. Don't watch it.
Spyfall -> Bond is old, so he fakes his death and retires. Then he un-retires because reasons. Dame Judi Dench's last film as M, who is also the film's Bond Girl. The one with Adele singing the opening song. Should have been the final film. Worth watching.
Spectre -> Remember that whole "I'm probably too old for this shit" message in the last film? Fuck all that, here's Bond's twin brother who is also evil and wants revenge on James because somebody rich adopted him. Yes, really. Sam Smith sang the opening, which is the only good part about the whole film.
No Time to Die -> Basically the 2nd half of the last film. Bond dies at the end. Don't watch either film.
