I wish I knew the words to describe my relationship with verbal communication and speech. I do experience situational speech loss and episodic disorganized thinking. But there's something that permeates my everyday life. I just don't have a normative relationship with speaking.
You will always be able to communicate with me best in writing; it's the most accessible to me. It gives me the time I need to organize my thoughts, allows me to make sure I'm saying what I mean, and. It physically is easier too. There's just something about speaking that's functionally harder for me, and I dont know what it is. I wish I could communicate in writing for everything.
GIRL HELP I posted to many horny posts about needing gock on my nsft blog and now I have half a dozen tladies in my DMs this is the exact opposite of a problem BUT HELP WHAT DO I DO I'M BAD AT FLORTING WITH WOMEN
My promotion keeps getting delayed at work and I'm really frustrated.
[Context: restaurant] I was originally told a six month timeline SIXTEEN months ago (in Promotion Manager 's defense, the training program was delayed by several months so three of us could train at once rather than run it separate three times). Since, I completed the multi month training program with two other people, and when they were told it would take 2 weeks to be promoted after finishing, it took management 7 weeks to actually follow through with them. Other current managers expressed that they weren't sure if Promotion Manager was actually going to follow through at all for our promotions or was just going to continue to string us along.
(more details and semi coherent rambling below)
I was told about a month for my promotion to go through (to work on assertiveness and being serious. My personality is naturally very goofy, but I do know when it's time to get things done and buckle down). It's been 2.5 months and going. I'm frustrated because I feel like I've more than met the goals they've set. When things come up, they think of me, and will recommend me for stuff. For example, I am going to a company sponsored event as one of the store representatives. I perform managerial duties like taking catering orders, being in charge of front of house when there's no manager up front, I open, I count the safe, I make sure things go smoothly.
I do a lot of manager shit without a manager's title or pay- which means on my resume, I'm Not A Manager. I'm only a trainer.
It's also a Known Thing for this manager to be slow about actually promoting ppl. I overheard another manager (who is roomies with Promotion Manager) say, "Yea, he just LOVES to dangle those promotions in front of you" with regards to another situation.
And I know part of this HAS to be me, because the other two people of my cohort have already been moved up. It's my fault too, but I wish Promotion Manager was more open about what that timeline may ACTUALLY be, rather than give a timeline he has no intention of following.
I know need to ask him about it, but I am scared that I will come across as pushy, or ungrateful, or that my frustration will come through and I will say something unprofessional and destroy any chance that the promotion may actually happen. I'm scared that by confronting him I'll destroy any chance of actually getting what I've been working for.
I would not be as frustrated if there weren't some managers that are actively awful at their jobs. Normally I have severe imposter syndrome - but there's one manager in PARTICULAR that has made sure I don't feel that way. He was apparently promoted when there was a severe manager shortage, but despite actively and VOCALLY complaining about his job all the time while doing only a quarter of it, he remains a manager. My trainees perform better than he does. Former trainees who quit a week in because they hated food service performed better than he does.
It wouldn't piss me off that I "need to improve" and not good enough if I and most of my coworkers weren't better employees than this guy. If he was demoted, or put on an improvement plan, or temporarily had his position suspended, I would be a lot less pissed! Because it means that there is actually a real standard that I am falling under! And that I'm not being strung along like a dumbass!
I'm just pissed and annoyed and tired and just... I'm tired of trying so hard for something I'm not going to get. I'm so tired of putting in the work for no result. I'm angry and resentful and I want to cry and scream but obviously I cannot express these feelings like that because it's immature and not productive.
Hence this sort of "journaling exercise"/call to the void of fellow Tumblr users. I just needed to get this all out for someone, anyone, to hear me. I need to complain and whine and bitch and moan and vent to another real human being while also not having to do it verbally. I needed to get the words down where I can go back and edit them into a semi coherent order when more relevant info pops in my head. I needed a space where I couldn't be interrupted, where I don't have to worry about monitoring my verbal tone, where I don't have to school my face and try not to cry. I needed a space to let it all out somewhere where no one and anyone can find it. Where no IRLs can see how much rage and resentment I have, how immature and emotional and angsty I can be.
I'm emotional. I'm sick of this, I'm angry, I'm full of rage, I'm tired of this, I'm DONE. SO fucking done. I hate it. I hate being strung along with empty promises.
since I know for a fact survival theft will be going up this month, do not steal from Target, they have some of if not The highest end security measures in place, even if they don't call you out on your first theft, they know you did it, and they're waiting until you've stolen enough to get the law involved.
I am dead serious. Do not fucking steal from Target, you Will be caught.
You're already caught, is what you need to understand. Target is well aware you have shoplifted. Hell, most stores are. Policy is to not confront shoplifters because for every thousand who will be confronted, one will cause serious harm to the employee confronting them. Usually out of panic, in my experience, but that's not very comforting to the employee who just got a concussion from getting hit in the head with a lamp. The employees usually don't have health insurance either, because corporate makes sure to keep them scheduled to only so many hours a week, so they don't qualify.
Thus, they will not confront you. But the cameras sure as fuck caught you, and Target does not cut corners in that department. They keep their shit up to date, monitored, and functioning.
What they do is keep track of the frequent offenders. Because shoplifting $50 [USD] worth of goods is just a misdemeanor. Massachusetts has actually set into place a separate law regarding shoplifting, making it different from theft; anything below $250 is a misdemeanor, no jail time. But most states do not have the separate categories. Shoplifting is theft, legally, and the limit is about $500 before it becomes a felony. But theft is always a more serious crime legally in terms of consequences, and you do risk jail time even for a first time offense. You could get it for a misdemeanor if you get a judge that's a particular kind of asshole.
Target makes sure you've committed felony-level theft before they bust you. They record you every time and keep a tally. So you might think you're in the clear, because you've gotten away clean several times. Only for the cops to be waiting for you outside the next time, or worse, show up at your door with a warrant for your arrest that night. [There are cameras in the parking lot too, and your license plate is registered to your address] Target will not drop it either. They will pursue charges. You will absolutely want a lawyer, because they will definitely be using one. A felony doesn’t go away in the United States. You will not be able to change your name legally in the future for any reason without a judge's approval, if at all. You will not be able to adopt children. You will be excluded from adopting from some animal shelters. You will be automatically turned down from pretty much every entry level job for at least five years. You will be denied approval to rent housing. And if you get busted for anything else [speeding, possession of personal use recreational drugs, loitering], you don't get to go home. You're automatically assumed guilty by the cops and you will be a target for quotas.
And if you're leaning on, "well, I'm 14/15, I'm a minor", you will not go down alone. If you are a minor, and a friend or relative who is 21+ is with you, they can be charged too, whether or not they even knew what you were doing. And they can actually face worse consequences than you, because they'll be charged not only as an adult, hell, they might tack on "corruption of a minor" charges. Again, despite the fact your 23yo cousin who just gave you a ride had no idea what you were doing, they will be the one paying the price for your crime. Anyone accompanying you can be charged, but it's especially a problem if they are legally an adult and you are not.
If you are confronted by the police, remember the rules.
"Am I under arrest?"
If "no", the next question is "Am I free to leave?"
If "yes", you are to say clearly, without slang or attitude, "I want a lawyer. Until a lawyer is present, I am exercising my fifth amendment right to remain silent."
And then you shut the fuck up. You answer questions during booking related to your health, such as if you're an insulin-dependent diabetic. You do not speak about the crime you've been arrested for ["what are you here for?" "I've requested a lawyer, and I am not going to comment until I have spoken with a lawyer."], and you do not provoke. The "one phone call" thing is fiction. Your phone call limit is set by the cops and whether or not they're being a particular jackass.
On your phone call:
1.) The calls. Are. Recorded. The calls are recorded. They are recorded. They are recorded and monitored. "I am being held at [jail]. I was taken into custody/arrested at [time]. I requested a lawyer immediately. I am still waiting for the lawyer. I can't talk about anything until I see the lawyer."
2.) If not calling your lawyer, call someone you can depend on to take care of your life, whether you like them or not. If your father is a judgmental asshole, but you know he will absolutely be a Responsible Party, that's who you call. Make the arrangements needed quickly. If your kids need to be taken care of, if your pets need care, etc. Your work needs to be called. The person doing this for you needs to lie, btw. There's been a family emergency. Which isn't actually a lie. ["What kind?" "I can't discuss that right now. We don't have all the details yet. Thank you for understanding, we appreciate your compassion." And then they hang up.]
3.) If you're lucky, your appointed lawyer can get you out of jail on your own recognizance. You will have a trial date. In the meantime, you need to find a criminal lawyer who specializes in shoplifting/theft charges. Contact your local Legal Aid. Ask for help. Be honest with the lawyer.
4.) Don't talk to anyone but the lawyer about the pending case. You can say "I was accused of shoplifting. But it's not smart to talk about it."
5.) Make a plan for if you get jail time. Appoint a legal guardian for your kids, make plans to rehome pets. Do not allow utility bills/rent to put you even more in debt. Legal Aid can help you with what resources are available to you.
And finally
6.) Don't shoplift from Target. They'll ruin your life.
How does moral OCD spiraling differ from NT reactions to similar triggers/situations. I admit I am asking because I am under the impression that I don't have OCD, but every time for personal growth/awareness purposes I've read a post discussing moral OCD thought patterns I've gone, "But wait, that sounds a lot like how I think," and I'm not really sure what to do with that.
Hi there! Thank you so much for the submission!
It sounds like you're going through a very difficult and confusing time and I'm so sorry to hear that! I know that pre-diagnosis I was very stressed and confused and I want to help you!
To clarify, I would say the moral OCD spiraling differs from any spiraling that isn't OCD related, not just neurotypical spiraling 😊ADHD spiraling isn't neurotypical spiraling, but it isn't OCD spiraling either :)
It's amazing that you're asking yourself these questions because you could really miss something that's causing distress in your life and it's a great question!
I think it really depends on what your spiraling looks like! A lot of things overlap which each other; some people spiral and it's OCD while other people spiral and it's GAD. What matters most is what happens during that spiraling.
For OCD, the cycle goes:
Obsession (intrusive thoughts, images, urges)
Anxiety
Compulsions
Temporary relief
Repeat
For an OCD spiral, it's usually this cycle happening at a rapid pace, becoming more easily triggered, or struggling to stop engaging with compulsions.
I don't know a lot about your situation, but I'll try to explain moral OCD spiraling compared to non-OCD spiraling the best I can :D
Without OCD
For a person without OCD, but perhaps they have anxiety or excessive guilt (which can be from anxiety, low self-esteen, trauma, etc), they might spiral in a non-ritualistic way.
They might spiral in a form of self-deprication, thinking about several other things relating to that topic and feeling guilty, wallow a lot, and think the situation over again and again. They might also have a real reason for feeling guilty like maybe they actually did do that bad thing and feel genuinely guilty over it and they grew up in an environment that never taught them to accept mistakes.
For example, if a person without OCD, but guilt and anxiety, scrolls through a video that says "A person who has does XYZ is bad." and they've done XYZ in the past or are worried about doing XYZ, they might think it over a bit, get anxious, feel bad, ask for a little reassurance (not a lot, just a bit), but eventually be able to drop it.
Their spiraling might continue or be amplified if they have done that thing and see other people recieving consequences for that same thing; they have a reason to be panicing. They could have also done a less harmful version of XYZ and still get anxious that others will be upset at them if they have anxiety or are an overthinker.
They don't engage in compulsions to disprove intrusive thoughts and if they do get intrusive thoughts, they don't stick. Their anxiety is more general and loose compared to the rigidness of OCD.
With OCD
For a person with OCD, they usually see something like a post that says, "A person who has done XYZ is bad." and then might get intrusive thoughts like "What if I do XYZ right now?" or "What if you did XYZ in the past and forgot?" which would be an intrusive thought.
This would then be followed by anxiety that is hard to tolerate and the urge to engage in a compulsion.
Common moral OCD compulsions would be confessing to someone who is effected by XYZ to get reassurance (usually it's not asking for reassurance and it's just hoping to recieve it), asking for reassurance ("Am I bad? Would you think I was a bad person if I did XYZ? Does having this thought meant I am bad and want to do XYZ?", may Google if they're against XYZ or signs they secretly support XYZ, may tell themselves "If I don't do [action] than I am XYZ.", may read through their messages or posts to check if they've done XYZ, etc.
Another way to think of it is: If you have an intrusive thought, does it stick or can you brush it off? If it does stick, that's something worth looking into.
In conclusion, people without OCD may be more likely to be anxious without that anxiety achieving an action or may self-wallow or feel bad for a bit, whereas a person with OCD is anxious and has that second step of doing an action (physical or mental) to reliquish their anxiety (a compulsion).
Gettting Help
I heavily suggest finding a psychiatrist that can help with this, if you can afford it! I recommend using the website "Psychology Today" to find a pscyh if you're in the US! It has a lot of great options and it helps you search for your needs! Plus, they help you find options that talk about the price range.
When you do get a psychiatrist, look for red flags!
If they ask you one or two questions and they instantly shoot down any possibility of it being OCD, that's a red flag! A good psych will talk to you, get to know you, have multiple sessions with you, and do questionares to see your criteria rather than just asking a few questions.
If they aren't trained in OCD, that's not a red flag because that isn't their specality, and you should search for a psych that does specialize in it :)
If you can't find a psychiatrist, that's okay too! I heavily suggest reading informational articles about OCD that are reliable and staying away from Tik Tok or Tumblr with people who try to diagnose others; if they aren't qualified or aren't making posts that are specific to OCD and are stating vague symptoms, they aren't going to give good advice.
Studies show that 20-50% of mental health information on social media is misinformation, whether that person has that condition or not (because having a condition doesn't make you qualified to diagnosis it or mean you have extensive knowledge about it).
I'd also look into other conditions that may work together to mimic OCD. That helps a lot if you think "I don't exactly fit OCD but I relate to some it.". GAD, PTSD, C-PTSD, or autism have similarities to OCD. Look at the core differences in the conditions that set them apart.
I highly recommend looking into the app NOCD and their website; it's an amazing resource!
I'll list a few resources for you to look into to help 😊
YouTube:
3 ways to fight Moral Scrupulosity OCD-- OCD and Anxiety
Is It GAD Generalized Anxiety Disorder or OCD?-- Paige Pradko
Articles:
Moral OCD: Signs, Symptoms, and Treatment-- NOCD (Fi Lowenstein)
What does OCD mean? Understanding Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder-- NOCD (Taneia Surles, MPH)
GAD vs. OCD: Key differences, overlap, and treatment-- NOCD (Taneia Surles, MPH)
Is OCD an anxiety disorder? Understanding the differences-- NOCD (Taneia Surles, MPH)
Do I have OCD or just intrusive thoughts?-- NOCD (Taneia Surles, MPH)
5 therapist-backed tips for stopping an OCD overthinking spiral-- NOCD (Yusra Shah)
I hope that your day gets better and things get easier<3 I'm here for you and you aren't alone!
I walk past a piece of paper. I don’t pick it up because I had a long day at work and it’s very cold outside. This then becomes my internal monologue:
I didn’t pick up that piece of paper, I should have. Don’t I care about the environment? It’s not my trash, I shouldn’t have to pick it up. But also that’s how these things happen right? We place the blame on others as our environment degrades. It was just a piece of paper, it’s not like it can do that much damage. But also how do I know: I’m not an environmental expert. Maybe stray paper scraps are killing the frogs. You’re literally killing the frogs. You should look up how many frogs die a year so you know how shitty you are-No stop it.
I care about the environment, and I recycle and I joined green activism movements but is that enough? I could be doing more. I should be doing more. I should donate my entire check to charity. But isn’t it self serving to think that my one check could help that much? Do I really think I’m that important, how self entitled and-no stop it, reset! You are obsessing and if you fall for it, you will not eat dinner. Let it go.
Okay it’s just a piece of paper. It’s okay you skipped it this once: it could have had something dangerous on it. Yeah that makes sense. But also, that means I’m putting my own safety over trying to help the environment, which is very selfish of me. I’m just one shitty person: god how could I be so self absorbed. I should have picked up the piece of paper. I’m so selfish, and shitty and-no, no, stop it! This is not helpful. It’s fine.
It’s been a long day and I’m cold, that’s not a crime- no that’s being selfish again, you’re making excuses. You’re just a lazy piece of shit who doesn’t care about others, and selfish and God the fact you’re thinking this much about one piece of paper shows how selfish you are, you care more about if you’re a good person than anything else, you’re a piece of shit, you’re a piece of shit, YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT.
I get home and open up Tumblr. The first post I see says “if you don’t reblog this post about the environment you’re as complicit as an oil billionaire.” I close my computer and resign myself to looking up the state frog populations until I go to bed.
I don’t eat dinner.
The amount of frogs that die a year is somewhere from 200 million to over 1 billion.
I kind of wish people would try to adjust their language to be more accommodating of people with ocd more often. Like sometimes I’ll encounter something that is phrased in a way where it makes doing something an obligation rather than A Thing You Can Do, and that tends to throw me into a bit of a spiral.
It’s not the end of the world or anything it’s just like, really annoying at this point. I can’t really control what I spiral about, i can only really wrestle with it and wait until it’s too tired to fight back, but I feel like it is something that could be avoided or lessened more often than not. So for those of you who want to avoid inadvertently starting spirals here’s some tips:
Try to avoid making people you disagree with out to be the bad guy. I can guarantee you the other side will do the exact same thing and this is typically the result: our person with ocd who I will be calling Dave I decided (who is not representative of 100% of people with the disorder), encounters opinion a, and opinion a is specifically making opinion b out to be evil and irredeemable. And vice versa for opinion b when Dave looks into that. Even if rationally Dave believes more in opinion a than opinion b, he’s worried about being a good person, and if he believes opinion a, the b group says he’s a horrible person. And if he believes in b, group a says he’s a horrible person. The result ends up being that Dave is stuck spiralling between those two opinions in a constant loop of worrying about being a good person and no matter what he cannot win. However, dave will be able to break free of this given enough time and pick a stance he believes in(which might be entirely separate from the two opinions). This whole thing involves a lot of panicking and generally a bad time all round, which is fine, except when you realise this thought pattern happens with things that really aren’t that big of a deal, like differing takes on a piece of media, shipping, what food is good, etc. you probably don’t want your home slice Dave panicking over wether or not he’s a good person for liking oranges.
Going out of your way to give people room to express opinions you disagree with can help immensely. If you are loud and passionate about a subject that is great! But Dave may not feel comfortable expressing opinions of his own that are not your exact thoughts mirrored back at you if you word what you say without giving room for criticism. He might have something to say which agrees with you but expands on it beyond what you thought possible, but it will take infinitely more effort for him to do so if you aren’t careful. Being gentle with disagreements and being able to say “I disagree with this person, but they still matter to me and I care about what they have to say” will let Dave see that and more easily fight out of his worries that if you think he’s wrong about something you’ll ghost him and never talk about him and then turn all his friends against him and then he’ll be sad and alone forever.
Something important to note is that these are generally pretty good practices to have, as they help you expand your horizons beyond your own biases and encourage discussion of ideas rather than escalation of conflict. And also, you don’t always know what someone’s disorders are. They might be undiagnosed, or just not feel comfortable telling you, and so by keeping and maintaining these practices you actively benefit both yourself and others around you.
Disclaimer: I am just running off of observations regarding my own ocd and the behavior of my friends with ocd. I am in no way a Professional so I heavily encourage you to do your own research and not take what I say as the 1 and done go too of how to accommodate people with ocd.
Also here’s a message for everyone reading this with some form of OCD wether they know it or not: you are not evil for having opinions, no matter what you believe you are deserving of love and affection. I don’t care if you are queer as hell or religious as fuck, you are still a human being with flaws and strengths and you make a beautiful, messy tapestry of motivations. It’s ok to be wrong, it’s ok to make mistakes. They do not make you evil. It’s ok to hate someone, to be angry, to feel an emotion about something. You cannot control your emotions and that’s ok. You can be petty sometimes, you can be annoying, you can be rough around the edges. You can be yourself. You don’t need to be perfect. Improve when you can yes, but you don’t need to be perfect.
Something about being autistic and outcasted by my peers my entire life makes connection and simply being acknowledged as an interesting person feel like coming back from being a ghost.
Like, I was invisible for all my life and suddenly someone can see me? And they want to talk to me? And interact with me on a deeper level? And discuss the things I care about?
What do you mean people want to get to know me? What do you mean others actually care about the things I’ve made and put lots of effort into? What do you mean people care about me???
It’s like being touched for the first time in years. Like, damn, I didn’t know I needed that. I didn’t know that this was what other people had on the regular. I’ve been isolated my entire life and so anyone showing the slightest interest in me is shocking and a bit hard to believe.
Aren’t I invisible? No? I’ve been visible and real and an actual person that could be talked to and interacted with and understood this entire time?!
It’s still hard to believe that I’m solid. That I’m something more than just a pair of eyes silently observing the world without interacting with it or being interacted with by the world.
I’m not a ghost… I’m not a ghost… I still can’t believe that I’m real. It still feels like I’m a ghost and I don’t think I can ever fully stop feeling that way. Sometimes, I’m just a camera, nothing else.
i just feel like a horrible person whenever i vent to someone. I feel like such a burden because all of my friends already have shit lives. It feels like they’d be better without me so i self isolate and make myself even more lonely than i already was. I always make it worse but i don’t have the will to change.
i am an extremely avoidant (attachment) person due to my schizoid personality. so i really like and appreciate friends who arent very reactive by my absence. my friends who act normal and treat me just the same even after i go a lot time without talking to them. i really appreciate my friends who are patient with me and respect my boundaries. :)
you’ve heard of ‘i can’t rely on others because i fear they’ll see me as a burden’, now get ready for ‘i can’t rely on others because telling anyone anything about me is physically repulsive’!
Autistic Avoidant @autistic-avoidant - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
