I don't know if this is an autism thing or not but my father yells at me a lot because he said he told me to do something and I didn't, but like he doesn't tell me to do these things he sugests it or he says it needs to get done, but it doesn't click in my mind as: I need to do that.
Yes, that is exactly autism.
Autistics need clear, precise, direct instructions. Allistics communicate often by “reading between the lines”, which autistics struggle to do.
I have listed 4 examples below where an allistic parent tries to ask an autistic child to clean their room. Granted if you are an adult, you’ve probably already figured this one out, but I wanted an easy example to illustrate the points of allistic-autistic communication, and where it can break down.
Example 1: Implied direction
Allistic Parent: “Your room needs to be cleaner.”
Autistic child’s thoughts: “That is a true statement.”
Autistic child outloud: “Yeah.” *continues doing what they were doing*
Here, the allistic parent thinks they have told the child to clean their room. But they haven’t! All they’ve done is stated that the room should be cleaner. This is not an instruction- it’s a statement. Most autistics will fail to “read between the lines” and read the parents’ mind that what they want is for the child to clean their room.
Example 2: Direction with no details
Allistic parent: “Please clean your room.”
Autistic child: “Okay.” *continues doing what they were doing*
Here, the allistic parent has given an instruction- but they haven’t given any details, such as when do they want the room cleaned, or how?
Example 3: Direction with some details
Allistic parent: “Please clean your room, right now.”
Autistic child: “Okay.” *Child goes into their room and picks up dirty laundry off the floor, but leaves everything else.*
In this example, the parent gave even clearer instructions, and you can see that we’re getting somewhere! But they didn’t tell the child what “clean” meant, and so the child had to guess. And they made a pretty good guess! Picking up dirty laundry is certainly part of cleaning. But the communication still broke down, as there are still objects on the floor and the room does not look clean to the parent.
Example 4: Directions with complete details and explanation:
Allistic parent: “Please pick up the dirty laundry in your room, and put away anything else that is on the floor, so I can vacuum.”
Autistic child: *Picks up the dirty laundry and puts away any other objects that were on the floor, making the floor clean enough to be vacuumed*
In this example, not only does the parent explain in clear detail what they want, they also explain why. That why is extremely important, because autistic brains will draw different conclusions than allistic brains from the same sentences.
If the child knows the reason they are being asked to pick up items on the floor for the purpose of vacuuming, then if they find an object that they’re unsure about, and don’t know whether they should pick it up, they can think “Will leaving this object here impeded vacuuming?” and then they can answer the question themselves, and follow through on the parent’s wishes.
This communication breakdown translates into all areas of allistic-autistic communication, and it can be worked at from both sides. Autistics can learn to ask questions, in order to get the details they need. Allistics need to offer more details, and need to be patient when answering questions. Both sides need to learn from each other, as every autistic person is different- and so is every allistic person.
If, when communication does break down, both sides sit together and discuss where the communication went wrong, then it can be improved for next time. This is a lot of work! But it’s worth it, because eventually, both sides will learn each other’s nuances and expectations, and then there will be waaaay less misunderstandings, and far fewer arguments.
A lot of allistics, instead of working towards improving communication, whine that “But why do I have to tell you, why can’t you just know what I want!”
The answer is “Because I’m autistic.” And that is never going to change. It has nothing to do with intelligence, levels of paying attention, interest, or level of caring. An autistic could be a genius, be paying 100% attention, be 100% interested, and care with all their heart, and it would not change the result. Autistics need clear direction, with details. That is how our brains work. Give us what we need, and the reward is beautiful communication between both sides.