avalonValed

ALT account. All the stuff I do not want in my main will go here basically. Not exactly a vent blog, but pretty close. They/Them. Adult [18]

[avalonvaled]

DNFI

Im fine with just about anyone interacting with me, but I still reserve the right to block you. The higher something is in the list the more likely I will block you, too.

- Pedophile, “MAP”, etc

- Transphobe/TERF/GC, Homophobe, Ableist, Racist, etc.

- +18/NSFW blog. I dont care if you rb NSFW stuff unless the blog is dedicated to it. Proship blog.

- Participate in queer discourse. I respect all good faith identities.

- Anti-MOGAI, Anti-Neopronouns. Truscum/transmedicalist.

- I am endo-neutral but Im not endo myself, if that bothers you DNF.

[avalonvaled]

i was kind of the michael jordan of getting groomed

[avalonvaled]

me: hello i would like to enter heaven

saint peter at the gates:

[avalonvaled]

I find it absolutely hilarious how people will claim to be scared of me only to end up abusing me, honestly.

Like yes, you should totally be scared of me, the fawner with a history of abuse and being taken advantage of. Its not like Im often the one being mistreated in any type of relationship.

[avalonvaled]

Everything has been a little bit too much lately. This person pretends me to make me wait months for their fuck ups in our relationship. Im not having it.

[avalonvaled]

People tell me I keep forgetting important things. I dont remember like 99% of my life up until I was 14, what the fuck do you want me to do, remember harder? Fire the memory department of my brain? I can write down stuff, I didnt forget this thing I told you on purpose, Im fucking trying dude

[avalonvaled]

I swear if she pretends cheating on me is even slightly comparable to me getting mad at her and the people she cheated on me with Im going to fucking implode

[avalonvaled]

INSANE CSA SURVIVOR WORKOUT:

- 3 SETS OF 10 GOOGLING “is having [SPECIFIC BOUNDARY THATS EXTREMELY REASONABLE] okay”

-4 SETS OF 8 SAYING “wait [HORRIFIC SHIT] isnt actually normal?”

- 5 SETS OF 5 UNHEALTHY COPING MECHANISM OF YOUR CHOICE

[avalonvaled]

I need to learn that feeling a certain way is enough. I dont need to think of a logical argument to justify feeling bad about it. It can be good to instrospect as to why I feel that way, but feeling that way, in of itself is, acceptable.

[avalonvaled]

I feel like Im going crazy but I feel like my emotions are considered wrong by most people around me. Its not like I know I have any mental illness for sure besides cptsd so its not like they say anything concrete. People get scared of me, but if I ask other people they keep reassuring me Im actually being fairly reasonable??

[avalonvaled]

My way of protecting myself when triggered, triggers [System 1]. [System 1]′s way of protecting itself when triggered, triggers (System 2). (System 2)′s way of protecting herself when triggered, triggers me. We are all friends with the same person.

Splendid. /s

[avalonvaled]

Can abusive people smell vulnerable people? I swear to God every single relationship Ive gotten into ends up with me crying because they ended up using me in whatever way they saw fit.

[avalonvaled]

Its bad enough when people who arent survivors talk as if they had any real personal experience with CSA, but its even worse to be a survivor and getting told by people who arent survivors that you need to shut up and let survivors speak. Its far worse when its other CSA survivors telling you to shut up because they assume you are not.

[avalonvaled]

Kind of quirky and funny how people act so concerned about CSA until a survivor speaks their mind and says something they dont like. When I say that most abuse is done by someone the victim already knows, Im not advocating for cultural genocide.

[avalonvaled]

Doing the little mental dance of flip flopping between "I NEED TO PROTECT MYSELF" and "wait actually its okay im safe" every time someone mildly hurts me

[avalonvaled]

I find myself needing to catch myself to not refer to myself as "us" in thoughts, text, or verbally. I find it that if I were to use it, it would be shameful. Part of it is also knowing systems that think Im a singlet, I dont want to be judged as "a faker" or whatever.

[avalonvaled]

Nightmares are usually metaphorical. They tend to be a representation of my feelings around trauma. But for some reason, I just had an awful nightmare which was very far from metaphorical. I feel incredibly gross. Its probably because its the anniversary of his death, but if it gets worse I might actually avoid sleeping.