Vent post - talking about dysphoria, mental illness
I’m on HRT. Not the good fun trans HRT, the one they give to elderly women for menopause.
Normally I’d be at peace with this because I need it, but I also have a hormone disorder that makes me incredibly sensitive to hormone changes and it’s going to be another week or so at least until it stabilises.
Right now, this pill is making my brain do things that it normally does when I’m unmedicated. It basically induces the symptoms I’m on the specialist treatment for before it calms them.
The previous times my brain did this unmedicated, I became so paranoid my friend group hated me that it became a self fulfilling prophecy, I nearly dropped out of uni, and I convinced myself my boss and all my coworkers had a secret plan to make me quit.
This time, it is making me so severely dysphoric I want to tear my skin off. I’ve never experienced dysphoria this intense. I feel like I can’t safely be around my current irl friend group because they’re all trans and all of them are on gender affirming hormones and I’m on the opposite of that. This will only be for like a week, heck I might be normal tomorrow, and afterwards I’ll feel stupid for having such intense emotions but it’s really scary right now and I don’t want to lose relationships again over the way my brain processes chemicals - for reference, I’ve been told my symptoms are in the worst 5% of all cases of the disorder I have.
Just needed to get this off my chest bc I can’t go to my friends about all this and I’ll be fine in a week anyway - speaking of getting things off my chest does anyone have any binding suggestions, I don’t like wearing binders and I’ve developed an adhesive allergy so I can’t use KT tape anymore
My crisis toolbox rn consists of 1 diazepam, lavender tea, and all the warrior cats books. At least I don’t have a job (because of The Disorder), but that also means I don’t have money either.
