The life of an ordinary mortal

bunnies, rainbows & unicorns. NOT.

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Australia. Anxiety, Depression and OCD.

Alcohol - 0. was tempted to have a glass of wine, but stopped myself.

Cigarettes - 0

Well the title says it all. I have been struggling for a while know. I moved to another country again. The entire new continent to be exact. I am in Australia and it is not going well. I knew it's gonna be difficult. But I didn't know that it's gonna be to that extent.

I have high level of anxiety all the time. I can't function anymore. I am scared and don't know why. At the same time I don't feel like doing anything or moving at all. And I keep obsessing over weird things. Keep checking if I am ok all the time trying to find any signs of any illness. It's driving me crazy. I got few spots and it freaked me out so much, my heart couldn't stop beating really fast till I realised those were only mosquito bites. It still took me a good 20 minutes to calm down. I should be having the time of my life with my loving husband in the nice country and I all I do is sit in my own world of worries not being able to escape. 

Gladly I had a chat with my amazing friend who went through depression, he was a lot of help to me. I am so glad that I could talk to someone today, it made me feel so much better. 

Life goes on.

Oh and besides I take all of my words back for the first post. May my ex rot in a pile of garbage and get what he deserves in this life. Let's say I am not intending to wish that something bad happened to him. But karma will get you. 

It took me a little while to open my eyes and realise what kind of terrible asshole he was. An asshole who ruined a year of my life with lies, cheating, verbal abuse etc.

Love x

D.Amy

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The Whole New World

Alcohol - none so far. But I am really tempted to have few tequilla shots before work, cause I am in pre-panic attack state. Stressing out so much for no actual reason.

Cigarettes - not relevant anymore. Haven't been smoking since last August.   Actually had few puffs one day, but realised that I hate it and threw it away.

My life has a lot of changes and that's what might be freaking me out.

First of all, I have a new job in private members club (with all the A-list celebrities coming there every now and then). Secondly, my sister is leaving to Cyprus. And thirdly, I am getting married tomorrow.

This post is gonna end up here cause I need to get ready for work and my panic is growing every second so I can't concentrate any more.

[averagemortal-blog]

The whole new life

 Alcohol - none today. Trying to go on detox this week, cause been partying and drinking way too much lately. I know it's not an excuse but since I am working in the bar it's really hard to stay out of the drinking situations lol

CIgarettes - haven't had one for more than a month! One day decided that I don't need them and boom I am a non smoker. Hopefully my nonsmoker journey will continue successfully :)

1. Work

I feel really bad for neglecting my blog, but lately I've been busy just living my life: meeting new friends, partying, working etc. Can't believe of how much I've changed since my last post. So basically I am still working in the same bar - Revolution, I am enjoying it soooo much! Team is great, maybe the hours and the pay are not the best, but I never felt better in any other place before. And lately I've been promoted to a supervisor!!!! I am really happy about it!

                                                         Hopefully in the next six months I will get and trainee assistant manager position. My colleagues are awesome, managers are good as well (compared to the ones I had previously these ones are amazing!!!).

2. Relationship

So after my breakup I was devastated. But it was the best thing that could have happened to me. It took me just couple of weeks to finally open my eyes and realize what kind of hell I was living in and that I escaped it just on time.

                                       It still haunts me sometimes and I have nothing but just bad memories from that year, but now I have a really good guy next to me that helps me to forget about all the shit I had in the past. Over that year I  seriously had forgotten what it was like to feel equal, to be treated well, not to be looked down on or called a slut (even if according to him it was just a joke), not to feel neglected and belittled or used as a maid at home. This new person that came in to my life has a really good heart, is caring, funny, sweet and makes me feel really happy. Oh and he reminds me of Michael Trevino in Vampire Diaries a little, few customers in the bar have told him the same haha. That same moment that we met, both of us knew that we gonna get along really well. I am really glad I met him. Hopefully the past year will vanish little by little till it will seem like it was just a bad dream I had a long time ago.

3. Family

So another good thing that I've been really looking forward to is my sister moving to London. I missed her so much and I am so excited about us living together, exploring London and the rest of UK together, laughing, doing silly things and maybe even having stupid fights from time to time. :)

                               4. Other things

A lot happened in the past few months: from me finally taking all of my stuff from ex's flat, to my grandma getting a cancer and dying after two weeks of getting the news and me not being able to attend the funeral. Then from my half a brother getting in touch with me and my sister to me getting an allergic reaction to a weed that we smoked after work and almost choking (never ever in my life I am trying that shit again lol). 

It's been hell of the months for me but I've dealt with it somehow and I am pretty happy with where I am at in my life. Hope everybody else is finding their peace of mind as well.

Love xx

D.Amy

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Crazy things & depression.

Alcohol - for the past week had quite a bit of it... 

Cigarettes - quite a few as well. :/ 

Dreams - Had a dream about Korea this night... And a night before that I lost my front tooth. Whenever I dream about loosing my teeth I tend to face a lot of difficulties and my heart is uneasy now.

I am putting a lot of effort in writing this entry. I am feeling so down lately, that I can hardly get out of bed. Everything seems pointless and not worth trying, I am feeling like a failure all the time, I can't fall asleep at night, I feel tired and restless all the time, I am losing my appetite, I am eating just because I "need" to.

I've been in this emotional state only once and it lasted for couple months. I didn't go to see a doctor just because I was afraid that if I had a clinical depression it would have gone to my medical file. Now I am fearing the same... Well leaving all this crap alone here is what "briefly" happened to me over the last week:

1. Pervert boss.

The PA position that I was so excited about was one of the worst experiences in my life. After my trial shift my "maybe soon to be boss" invited me for a drink! It was so weird! Deep in my heart I knew that no one who is serious about you as an employee would do such thing. But as I always try to find just the best qualities in people, I decided to give it a chance. I hoped that this was just an innocent "get to know your colleague out of the office" drink. I hardly ever wear jeans or trousers, but this time I did. I dressed up as casual as possible, told my closest friends where I'm going and asked them to give me a call or a message at a certain time. Well we had a glass of wine, we talked about just random things and later on that bastard tried to hit on me! It was so disgusting, I was so shocked I didn't know what to do... I asked him if he gave me that trial shift because I had qualifications for the position or just because he liked me. And he said he liked me straight away and that it would be good to combine both! Fuckin prick!! He said that he already wanted to kiss me in the office. You can't imagine how many thoughts just flew to my brain...

Then he tried to convince me to get a bottle of wine, cause all the bars are closing down and come to his place! I said no, and he was still begging. I told him that I am just out of the relationship, that I am not ready for anything and that he makes me feel uncomfortable. He was still trying to convince me by saying that he won't do anything. Like WTF? Was he deaf or smth? At that moment I stopped being polite and told him, that no is a no and if he wants to see me again, he has to call and this night is over. That was the only way I could get him off of me! When I got into a tube I felt filthy, used and worthless. I know that nothing too shocking happened. Anyways I just don't know how to explain how I angry, disappointed and disgusted I was. Just knowing that he was thinking about me in that way makes me wanna through up. And he is like 11 years older than me. I still shiver remembering that night. After I got out of tube, he tried to call me, he sent sms, but I just turned the phone off. Next morning I took all of my courage and answered the call. I told him that it was unprofessional, that I am disappointed, that I don't want this job, that he should delete my number and never contact me again. And he still sent me a message saying that it was from both of us, that he wasn't being unprofessional, just because at the beginning of the night I was told that we gonna be like friends. Well sorry but I guess his definition of being friends is completely different from mine. Oh and he told me that it is not my decision to take the job or not. LOL was he serious? It wasn't his decision to offer me that damn position anymore. I hope he burns in hell. And I hope I won't ever see that piece of shit again.

2. New job

Yes I have a job now. I am working at one of the Revolution bars. Good part: The team is brilliant! Everybody is really lovely and fun to work with. I felt like a part of family straight away. Atmosphere seems quite easy and laid back compared to Novus Leisure.

Now not such a good part: I have to work split shifts. That annoys me as hell. I have to waste three hours of my time just sitting and waiting till I can go back behind the bar. I don't have my mornings and I don't have my evenings either. Besides I was promised a full time position, but now it looks more like part time as they are not that busy and sends us home early. For example tomorrow I'm gonna work 3 hours. Just the waste of the day. And tips are not that great either. 

3. Getting new job offers

I got couple of calls. One of them was for a cocktail bartender position in OXO Tower. Quite fancy I must say. I went for the interview, got the trial shift, but didn't go and decided to stick to my current position. First of all I would have been paid monthly and I can't afford to wait one more month or more. Probation period is 6 months, that's quite a lot. I would have had 40 hours and no split shifts, quite good salary and career possibilities.

Well you must think that I am stupid for not trying to go there. It would have been a brilliant thingy on my CV. But I have my own reasons why I decided that way and I am not gonna put them out there now. One of the reasons is just down below my part 4 of this entry.

4. Depression

To keep it short. I was unhappy for the past 6 months or so. I was struggling with money, I was getting deeper in debt, I wasn't moving forward, I didn't have my friends and family next to me and it was just a complete stagnation in my life. Then I moved back to London I was dumped, I had no job, practically no money. Somehow I was still holding on, but yesterday it just hit me hard. For just no particular reason I completely stopped seeing a point in everything. I just felt tired of trying and not succeeding, of being broke, of being failure and burden to others. I just felt like nothing is ever gonna be alright. Yes now I have a job, but it still didn't turn out as well as I expected. I don't even know how I'm gonna pay for my rent next week or travel to work, not even talking about food or anything else. I am in a HUGE debt and I am afraid to borrow money from anyone anymore, I am afraid of falling deeper into this shit-hole. I know that I should see a doctor probably, but I am afraid of having clinical depression in my medical file. I feel really really bad, I even had some suicidal and self-harming thoughts. I know that right now I couldn't kill myself just because I think about my mom and my sis too much and I couldn't leave without repaying my debts first. It's good that I recognize that I need help, but I am afraid to ask for it. Maybe I'm just exaggerating... I don't even know anymore. But I'm just tired of being tired and unhappy all the time. This feeling is so overwhelming that I can't see anything else anymore and maybe I don't even want to. I know just one thing - I need this to stop.

P.s. If you are having problems and feel like no one is there for you or there is no solution for you anymore, please stay strong for the sake of people that love you (there is always someone who cares about you). And if you need someone to talk to my inbox is there! Let's stay strong, let's fight this shit, let's win this fight!

Love x

D.Amy

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Good enough. Making tough decisions.

Alcohol - had three cheap crappy drinks. Some kind of rum+orange and vodka+lime mixes. The price represented the taste. And it was poor. Ewww.

Cigaretes - still none! woohoo!

It's gonna be a short one.

I went to that important interview and I was told that out of 20, already shortlisted ones there are gonna be 3, who will get the trial shift. And the chosen ones were to be confirmed by tuesday. 

The very amazing news is - I got a call. Today! I was shortlisted! I AM good enough!   

                                     But now there is one problem. My trial shift is on Sunday and it starts at 12pm. Sooooo if I go to the bartending job on Saturday, I'll finish work at 3am and in the best case will be home at 5am. THE BEST CASE. And I will have to wake up at 9am, get ready and be on time for my trial. That gives me max of the 4 ours of sleep. And I wouldn't like to show up all tired with black circles and huge bags under my eyes.

                                      I am a bit lost. I don't know what to do! I want this PA job as crazy, but you know shit happens and I don't want to stay jobless. I can't afford it. Should I risk it? Should I prepare really well over tomorrow and go for the PA trial well rested and shit, or should I push myself to the limit, and go for both positions with practically no sleep? 

This is driving me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                        What I actually might do is calling the bar and telling them that I can only start from next week, let's say monday or tuesday. This would save my ass for the moment I guess. 

Oh how I hate situations like this. But I will be fine. I will be fine *positive thinking*

Love x

D.Amy

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A "real" meal and wishing for the better future.

Alcohol - One glass of Pinot at the dinner, followed by the rest of the bottle throughout the evening. 

Cigaretes - 0.

I started my morning with a healthy breakfast. Not intentionally. It's just lately I don't feel like eating much to be honest. That's what my "breakfast" looked like (if you still can call it a breakfast at 1pm):

                                           It was a lovely sunny day to have my breakfast outside. Thanks God (or more thanks to our landlord) we have a table in our "garden".

Today I was focusing on my preparation for the interview I'm having tomorrow. My life would change completely if I got that job. And I really wish it will.

So back to the food. I made myself a "proper" dinner which I didn't have in a long time. I was surviving just on sandwiches or cereal. I was too lazy to make anything that looked anywhere close to a serious lunch or dinner. But today I got myself a really cheap bottle of wine, so as an excuse I had to make myself some proper food to go with it, otherwise it would have looked like I was getting pissed in the middle of the day by myself, which eventually happened anyways.

It's didn't look like a fancy meal at all, but at least it wasn't a sandwich lol:

                                           Oh and I wish I had some real wine glasses not a plastic ones, which are still better than just a cup or drinking straight from the bottle.

I'm getting hungry looking at those pictures. These were my only meals today and a sandwich of course lol.

Well this boring day is about to come to an end. You know, at he times like this when I have struggles, I tell to myself: it's worth to wake up tomorrow, cause maybe tomorrow is gonna be the day worth living for. Don't know if it makes much sense in english lol, but that's what I tell myself every time I face difficulties. This time I really REALLY hope that tomorrow is gonna be the beginning of something amazing in my life.

                      Love x

D.Amy

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Winning and failing at the interviews.

Alcohol - 0 but OMG how I wanted to buy a bottle of wine to myself. I really miss having a nice dinner with a glass of wine or glass of bubbly on the side. That's what kinda sucks when you are not in the relationship anymore. If you keep having wine with your meal every now and then by yourself, people will think you're an alcoholic lol.

Cigarettes - 0 very proud about this one. I can't go back to the habit of smoking. This is very hard cause pretty much all of my housemates are smoking.

Part 1. Winning.

As I mentioned in my previous post I went for an interview yesterday, but didn't get a callback. I got a call today, but they didn't offer me a trial shift. They told me they wanted me to start working straight away!  

                                     Well as I had an interview lined up for today I told them that I will make my decision after it.

Part 2. Failing

So I got all ready for the interview. It took me three hours. Don't judge me, I like to take my time lol I did some research about the company, cocktails etc. well just all those things you would do before the interview. Took a tube and when I got out of it, it was raining!!!! Of course I didn't have an umbrella with me, cause I don't own one. I waited few minutes till it stopped a little and gone straight to the venue. It looked really nice and fancy. While I was waiting a girl came up to me and gave me a paper with 10 questions I was supposed to answer.  At first I was like bitch please

                                     But that reaction only lasted till I read the questions. I expected it to be like, you know, maybe something about the company, or why you want to work with them, but no. It went something like this: What is the country of demerara sugar, when was the first bartending book written and who wrote it, when was the first gin made and what was its original name.  After reading all those questions I realized I am screwed. On the inside I was like

                                                        but on the outside

                                       I was just staring at the questions and smiling. It was pretty much the same feeling that you get when you are in the exam and you get the questions you don't know a shit about. You realize that you're doomed, but at the same time you just laugh at yourself and think about the moment you will get out of there and get a beer lol.

When a guy who was supposed to interview me came, I said that I don't know the answers to the questions and I was told straight away that he won't even interview me. He was like: Sorry, but I need someone who knows that.

Seriously? I mean seriously? You can always learn theory and history about the drinks! I guess they just didn't want to give any training and wanted someone with all that knowledge. Oh well. When he said I'm sorry, I really wanted to tell him: oh no, it's ME who is sorry. Cause you are losing a great addition to your team!

                                           Still after leaving the bar I was feeling like it was the biggest waste of my time and 6£ (which I don't have). 

Anyways I got back home, wrote an email to the other company saying that I'm accepting the position. We agreed that I will be starting this Saturday. Oh yeah! Can't wait to be back to work!

Oh the other good thing about this bar is that they have Kpop nights from time to time! And one of them is pretty soon. It's gonna be amazing: making cocktails to pretty asian boys and listening to Kpop!

On the downside, it will take me around two hours to get back home at night. I will have to take couple of busses :/ For a month or two it's gonna be fine, but after that I am considering moving closer and maybe even renting an entire room for myself. My current roomate is great, but as I know from my experience I might not be that lucky the next time.

Oh and I am still going for that PA interview on thursday. 

I feel like I am getting back on my feet little by little and it feels great!

Love x

D.Amy

[averagemortal-blog]

Finding a job in London

 Alcohol - 0

Cigarettes - 0 

This is amazing! Proud of myself ^^ Dreaming about a glass of scotch and a cigar though. One of these days... lol

This week is gonna be busy. I had three interviews lined up. First one was today for the Revolution bar. The interviewer was really cute guy, looking a bit like ridiculously photogenic guy. If you don't know what I'm talking about: 

                                      Anyway, the interview took about 15 minutes. I was asked a lot of random questions and at the end of the interview I was told, that they gonna give calls on the same day for  a trial shift. Well I was expecting the call... But didn't get it. 

     Every time I go for an interview and don't get a callback I get a bit upset. Well it's been a second time now since I got back to London. :( 

Tomorrow I am having an interview for a Cuban rum cocktail bar/live music venue in Soho and I am pretty excited about that. They have great events, live music, extensive list of  cocktails and as I heard it's just a great company to work for. I really hope I will be more lucky this time and I will get a trial shift or maybe even the position offered straight away lol. I want to expand my cocktail knowledge and I think this would be a perfect opportunity to do so.

On thursday I have another interview planned, which I am super excited about. It's PA position for Managing Director in a luxury travel company. It would be a brilliant opportunity for me to start my career, to travel (!!!!!) and finally feel that I'm doing something more important and appropriate (for a girl of this age and education) than just smiling and serving drunk a-holes. 

                                  Don't take it the wrong way - I enjoy working behind the bar most of the time and I love most of my customers (apart from the pretentious douchebags and drunk whores), I love making cocktails and I am really passionate about it, but this job requires working unsociable hours. And I don't know for how long I could keep up with this working pattern. For over a year I just lived like a vampire, sleeping till late noon and working till dawn. It kinda works for me now, cause I am still young (kinda) and have insomnia, but I believe this "more business like" path would be better for me in so many ways. 

I was told that the interview is gonna take 45 minutes and I am crapping my pants about it a little. For the past few days I just keep thinking about what to wear for the interview or how I could prepare better for the questions and presenting my self in the best light possible. 

I have no idea how all of this will turn out, I just have to hope for the best and put all my heart and effort to smash those interviews.

Love x

D.Amy

[averagemortal-blog]

Failing at jogging.

Alcohol: 0 bottle of Irish cream on the way. Drinking my sadness away. Yup, just finished a bottle. And it's not helping. :/

Cigarettes: 0

Weight: - have no clue, should be somewhat around 60kg. Maybe less as I haven't been eating properly lately.

Dreams: don't remember having any.

Well I know it's gonna look a bit like Bridget Jones Diary lol, but I think I just need to keep the track of the shit I'm consuming, etc. Anyways.

I was planning to wake up early and go for jogging today, but I had troubles falling asleep last night. Yesterday was the first time when I was dehydrated because of crying the entire day. Woke up in the middle night extremely thirsty and had to drag my exhausted body to the sink to have some water. So after a somewhat sleepless night I wasn't able to wake up at the set time and when I did I was completely lazy to go for a run. I thought I'm gonna leave it for another day.

I made some coffee and had a boiled egg. I could hardly swallow the food and when I bursted into tears again I realized that jogging today is a must do. So I grabbed my Ipod and went for a quick run around the neighbourhood. Its been a long time since I dragged my ass outside for some exercise so I got tired quickly. My 20 mins of jogging turned out to be 10mins of the actual running and 10 mins of walking lol. Well you have to start somewhere don't you?

Anyways I feel a lot better now, exercise is therapeutical. When my body is tired and my muscles are aching I tend to forget about non-physical pain at least for some period of time. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't solve the problems and my heart still aches, but at least I am able to stay calm and not to cry every 15 minutes.

Life goes on.

Love x

D.Amy

[averagemortal-blog]

While it still hurts.

Well I didn't expect for this blog to start this way. But I just have to let it out till the pain is still fresh, while emotions are overflowing and filling every part of my body.

I was dumped today after a year of the relationship, after over a half a year of living together. And you know what? I didn't even deserve to be dumped on the phone. The only thing I got after all that time spent together was a message on facebook.

I was dumped, because my significant other didn't think our "long distance" relationship is gonna work out. And this realization to him came one week after I moved to London to look for a job, which is just one hour by train from that smaller town.

I won't say that he is a bad person or that I hate him, or that he is wrong. I respect his decision, there is nothing I can do apart from accepting it and trying to move on. I just believed that after all that time together I deserved more effort from him to keep our relationship and that I deserved more than just an email. I just really do not understand how a loving person can run away after the first "challenge". I honestly believed that relationship was about two people going through the difficult times together, putting mutual effort towards their future. Weren't we supposed to hold each other even tighter, weren't we supposed to be each others support and light, when we were facing difficulties? If that was not the case, then I have no clue about relationships at all and I'm even more clueless about the human beings.

Well probably in this relationship I was the one, who believed that it was worth fighting for. A person who believes in the relationship will always see a solution or at least will try to find one. As one wise person once said to me: "You have to focus not on the problem, but on the ways you could solve it". 

On the end note I am really hurting right now, my head is full of questions with no answers (which won't be ever answered I guess), I feel lonely, completely lonely now. But at the same time I realize that this exact moment is the hardest one in this breakup. Every single second I am moving forward, every single minute I am moving further from the first shock I got after reading the email. It will still hurt, my tears will still flow, I will still feel betrayed and just a piece of garbage, I will still feel sorry for myself, but it will get better one day. I have to move on.

I just hope that this person will be happy and successful in life, that he will find a girl worth fighting for, I hope he will have a nice family one day and I wish him just all the best things in life.

And all of you out there, who have been dumped or just broke up: stay strong. Tell yourself that pain is temporary, life is still amazing and a lot of beautiful things still awaits for you! Let yourself cry, let all the pain and anger out. Even if it's been raining for a while, the rain will stop eventually won't it?

Love x

D.Amy