damn I need a psychiatrist

vent/journalling blog for an alter in a system

[avoidantarlo]

brief intro

☔ ⧽ Arlo ⏜ he/they/it 𐙢 aroace

⤖ bodily 20 ⸙ indigenous two spirit man 🪻

🌌 ⧽ I like undertale yellow, deltarune, stardew valley, and more!

⩋ Dalv + Napstablook copinglink ☂️

🫐┆ audhd + did + ocd + trichotillomania + possible avpd (I have problems <3)

☘ dni: basic dni, proship, endos, aggressively anti-endo, radqueer, sh/ed blogs, anti self-dx

[devogamer]

ralsei

[whenplantingforests]

Shame is not a catalyst for change; it is a paralytic. Anyone who has ever carried extreme personal shame knows this. Shame doesn’t make you stronger, nor does it help you to grow, or to be healthy, or to be sane. It keeps you in one place, very, very still.

Lesley Kinzel

[adamsmasher]

True facts.

[feelthekenergy]

This is unfortunately something everybody needs to fucking know about crafting, but nobody knows about crafting.

[sakuracards]

tags from @sergle

[avpdpossum]

me: i know they’re you’re friends and they’re really nice but that just makes them even scarier because i really want them to like me and would be genuinely devastated if they didn’t so it’s just easier to never engage with them and endlessly wish i was friends with them without ever risking being rejected by them even if that means i never actually get to be their friend. like sure, strangers are scary too, but they’re easier because i’m not super invested in whether they like me or not. the people i already like? those are the most terrifying people ever. you know what i mean?

my boyfriend, who doesn’t have avpd: no. no i do not know what you mean. that is literally the exact opposite of how my social anxiety works. i can’t even imagine how that would feel.

[raccooncomic]

190. Help

[daggerdoggy]

wish i could go missing for a little bit and no one would freak out and then i could come back and they'd be like "did you have fun going missing" and i'd be like "yeah, thanks" and then i could do that every couple of months or so and it wouldn't be a big deal

[junglejim4322]

So embarrassing but who cares. But so embarrassing but who cares but it’s so embarrassing but also who cares but it really is embarrassing but really who cares BUT it’s so embarrassing though probably nobody cares but it’s embarrassing asf and nobody cares but

[avoidantarlo]

not arlo venting

hiding this because I'm embarrassed but I don't want to grab my physical journal

I'm so sick of feeling miserable. I'm painfully lonely despite talking to people daily and sleeping next to someone every night. I'm scared for my cat's health because there's always something going wrong with him, but I haven't been able to express that because I'm expected to be the one not to panic about it and freeze in this system. I'm fully convinced I'm not liked by everyone around me and the only thing that's keeping me going to school and talking to people is that I'm too embarrassed to disappear since my roommate will know what's going on.

I hate that I'm currently too scared to even let my roommate know that I'm not doing well, even though it's obvious and I have very good reasons to be upset and unwell right now. I set a stupid expectation for myself and now I have to fit that self-imposed expectation or suffer the embarrassment of a failure I'll perceive as failing everyone around me, even when I know that's not the case logically.

I hate that my pseudomemories are so clearly representations of the guilt and shame we've experienced in our life, and that they only make me feel more lonely when I think about the connections I had in them, even though I know that they technically aren't real. it's embarrassing how I'm currently unable to disconnect from my source enough for it to be healthy, I want to be better but I genuinely don't think I can right now.

I'm miserable and it's entirely my own fault. I don't reply to messages and ask myself why I'm lonely. I don't eat and ask myself why I feel like shit. I don't talk to anyone about my thoughts or feelings and I wonder why I feel like I'm about to explode. these are literally my own actions having negative consequences. it's humiliating being someone who values communication yet is unable to communicate when I need to, it's hypocritical and gross.

I want to get better for the people around me, but I also want to disappear from the face of the earth so people don't have to know how disgusting I am.

I'm honestly just rambling at this point. I don't know how to put these thoughts into a cohesive melody, and the rhythm is all wrong. but I need to put this somewhere, I guess.

- octavio

[avpdvoidspace]

I wish I could trade every spring and summer day to people who get seasonal depression in winter, and I could get all of their cold, dark days in return.

[femmeidiot]

wanting to talk to people is so fucking embarrassing. literally hi it's me again I wanted to have a conversation with you because I think you're fun to talk to. oh god you can just fucking kill me if you want sorry

[avoidantarlo]

I kinda hate being a system with avpd! why am I letting a mood booster hog front so we can avoid feeling anything negative when shitty things are going on???

our cat's lethargic and constantly sleeping and hiding and isn't eating as much, and idk if it's his arthritis or worse, but I'm just. letting our mood booster front so I don't have to actually process that.

our teammate messaged me asking about the team bc we've been completely inactive for months, and once again, I'm just letting him front so I don't have to deal with the intense guilt. he doesn't feel the guilt and embarrassment and disgust towards ourselves to the same degree, he can actually function for us.

I know it's not healthy, but I don't want people around me to think something's wrong or to think I'm pathetic for doing what I'm doing to avoid my own emotions. our sp knows these things, but I don't think he knows how to help. I don't even think there's a way I can get help at this point, I'm just waiting for everything to crumble

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

[avoidantarlo]

I'm also another alter who's borrowing this account to make a funny post. so we have therapy today and basically: I do not remember the last session at all. I was talking to my roommate about how I don't remember shit and tried to see if they do, but guess what. THEY DON'T REMEMBER SHIT BC THEY ALSO HAVE DID. I AM SO FUCKED

also, Arlo keeps a journal that he writes in about things he thinks are more private than writing here, and he uses it to note about appointments. so I was like "great! maybe I can look there to see if I can get anything" but uh

nothing else about this appointment was written in the notebook.

but wait! there's this blog, and he writes in here more often because it's easier to access at any point than the notebook! except the post he made was vague and more him complaining about how our therapist doesn't understand us than what the session was actually about.

wish me luck guys, I'm gonna need it 👍

[avoidantarlo]

borrowing arlo's account bc I'm also an avpd + ocd holder and I'm doing Bad.

I'm seriously resisting the urge to uninstall everything and not talk to anyone except our sp. we've been attempting to make new friends and we thought we were doing a bit better, but then we got a text from someone we didn't even know we were avoiding (because they used to run a team we now currently run and have been avoiding for months) and I've been trying to manage the fucking guilt and embarrassment about our reaction since.

also, learning that fucking hazbin hotel of all things is a moral ocd trigger fucking sucks! it's literally everywhere, but we also have friends who hate it with a passion and somehow that turned into us getting intrusive thoughts and urges to get into it specifically to prove that we're a horrible person??? even though people who enjoy it aren't inherently bad people just for liking hazbin. it's just so dumb and I'm miserable. I can't avoid it bc we encounter it irl, but I can't ask ppl to stop talking about it without feeling embarrassed bc it's so. 2020 discord mile long blacklist core. idk how to explain that but I'll be embarrassed anyways.

this is kind of disorganized but I genuinely can't sleep because I keep getting intrusive thoughts and I'm struggling to distract myself by listening to YouTube videos to sleep. I don't know I'm just. eugh.

I just don't want to exist. I genuinely think our system would be better off if I just wasn't here to make us miserable. I know that logically, in needed to manage these emotions and get them out of the way so the rest of us can function a bit better, but I genuinely think we'd be better off if I just didn't exist. we wouldn't have to deal with this at all if I wasn't here to bring us all down.

I wish everything didn't make me feel guilty. I wish I could actually enjoy having a friend over right now, but no. instead I have to feel guilty for talking to them, then feel guilty when I'm not talking to them. I feel guilty anyways because I'm just so inherently bad and horrible and they haven't seen it yet, and I just want to never talk to them again just so they don't ever have to see how gross and embarrassing I am.

I know I'll be fine in the morning, I just gotta get these unfiltered thoughts out first 👍

[avoidantarlo]

I have a weird relationship with self esteem, I think. it's bad, yeah, but it's not the "I hate myself" or anything that I hear about. I don't really hate myself, but I don't really like myself either. I'm not content with myself, I find myself really embarrassing actually. I'm horrified that someone's going to see the "real" me and feel the same disgust I feel about myself. but it's not full blown hatred. I'm not angry at myself enough for it to be hate, it's just pure disgust.

[avpdvoidspace]

I feel more and more like avpd functions the opposide of social anxiety. The most potential a relationship is every going to have for me in my life is the first week. If I don't start feeling comfortable around a person pretty immediately after meeting them, it's never going to happen. There's so much potential in the small talk stage to get a vibe over whether I can feel safe around a person. If I don't feel that way at first, it's likely never going to happen. Probably part of the 'won't engage in relationships or activities without assurance of acceptance' thing. Like if it's not clear off the bat that you're going to be enthusiastically okay with me, no beans. I don't want to speak for anyone else, but I get the impression that people with social anxiety are more nervous around new people and as they get to know someone, they slowly get more comfortable. Not that there wouldn't be any discomfort in established relationships, but I'm sure it's not also like: I have to find ways to trick myself into opening up to my partner of 20+ years about something new (and relatively not a big deal probably) because I'm terrified of his reaction. The more I care about someone, the more frightening that relationship becomes, so there's a very narrow sweet spot of "I need acceptance immediately when I start to like you but before I start to care much about the success of our relationship" that means that most interactions I have with people will never go anywhere.