Seeing one of my "a creative thing featuring the allosexual aromantic pride flag" posts tagged as "asexual" in the reblogs has reminded me why I should go back to never checking the comments.
It feels like a metaphorical gut punch.
I know, I know--I don't get to dictate someone else's tagging system. I should be grateful that anyone bothers to reblog a post I made. Checking the OP's tags before reblogging is too much effort to ask of anyone. It's inconsequential compared to the more pressing concerns of amatonormativity (or any shape of queer antagonism). It's a pretty online problem, not worth complaining about, so suck it up.
None of that changes the fact that this is erasure.
It's erasure of everyone who identifies with said flag as an expression of pride in our identity.
While this may not be intended, the above arguments frame the truth of our identity as less important than someone else's tags, time and consideration.
There are no vagaries in this case, no reasonable space for misinterpretation. Just a flag that is not representative of an asexual-spectrum identity any more than the ace flag is meant to represent agender folks or Australians. Nor is this unusual; it happens, repeatedly, to most allosexual aro crafters, artists, writers and bloggers.
While I know that folks have scant patience for discussions about things that scan as "petty", it'd be nice, in this week of heightened aromanticism, if you could think about why we can't overlook it.
Aromantic spectrum awareness isn't just about posting cutesy pride content (speaking as a proud purveyor of said content). It's about trying to make a world in which we can more easily and less painfully exist. A world in which we are visible to others as the kind of aro we are; in which we are respected by others as the kind of aro we are.
I need to be respected as the kind of aro that is also allosexual.
As an autistic aro, I'm not regarded as allosexual in the same way that many alloromantic and allosexual neurotypicals take for granted. I'm assumed too innocent for sex and other behaviours Western society associates with adulthood; as an aromantic who cannot be slotted into those relationship norms we also associate with adulthood, allo neurotypicals find it easy to strip me wholesale of any sexual identity. Not adult, not allosexual; just something child-adjacent and therefore disallowed any seemingly-conflicting behaviours.
When I say that I am allosexual, I am saying that I exist as a complex being in defiance of social norms (and ableism).
So is every other aro who does so, because allosexuality and aromanticism together defy those same relationship norms. We are oversexualised and desexualised, sometimes even simultaneously. We are cast as predators upon alloromantic allosexuals. Depending on the culture of a space or community, either our allosexuality or aromanticism must be sacrificed (silenced) for admission. Our experiences differ, but we together voice a fraught, hard-fought-for identity many societies and communities would prefer to not exist.
When someone labels us as asexual because we are aromantic, our struggle to exist as allosexual and aromantic gets swept away. It may be a mistake, or a tagging system in which "ace" stands for "the a-spectrum", but it happens far too frequently not to feel like yet another incidence in denying us our allosexuality.
It's an act that strips from us our authority: no, you make more sense to me when you're classed as asexual.
History tells us what it means to miscategorise the identity of a minority group fighting for acknowledgement and respect.
So why is it less harmful when it happens online?
Yes, I want a world in which long-term partnership isn't a requisite for affordable housing. I want a world in which marriage isn't the mechanism by which many disabled adults receive (still undersupported and underfunded) care. I want a world in which more people know the word "amatonormativity" and I don't have to fear old age as a non-partnering aromantic. I care about the bigger issues!
I also want a world in which I'm not erased on a post I created to display my pride in being allosexual and aromantic.
I want to be respected as an allosexual aro.
Is this really so big a thing to ask?