What do you do when you find out your partner has been secretly watching porn behind your back? What do you do when they would rather watch porn and jerk off in the other room instead of asking you for sex or indicating in any way that they would like sex? And you don't find out until you've moved in together and been together for a year and a half?
I'd asked him to, at the very least, not do it when I'm literally in the other room. Like do it when I'm not home. I wanted him to quit completely, but all I asked of him was to just not do it while I'm literally right fucking here. And do you think he could at least do that for me? Fuck no. And he knows how much it bothers me and hurts me and he hardly ever has sex with me, but he sure always has time for some porn and a wank.
Like I know I can dump him. I don't have to stay with a person that uses porn if I don't like it, but the problem being that we are coming up on 4 years together. We have pets together. We have established so much together and I love him more than I have ever loved another person before. I have never loved someone like this. He is so sweet and good to me otherwise, but this one thing I cannot get past and he can't not take any and every opportunity to watch porn and wank. I just don't get it. Like I know it's not really right for me to ask him to change for me and ask him to stop completely, but I absolutely do not think it's too much to ask that he just not do it when I'm sitting in the other room and he hasn't even hinted at sex.
I cried all fucking night and I do not feel any better this morning. I'm still fucking crying.
I've been sleeping on the couch with our dog and older cat because we got a new kitten and she has to be kept separate for now so he's been keeping her in our room and sleeping in there at night and I gave him the benefit of the doubt and assured myself that he wouldn't take advantage of being alone in our room with the door closed and watch porn while I was on the couch, but lo and behold, that's the last time I give him the benefit of the doubt. I played it off like I didn't care when I found out, but then I cried on the couch all night. He heard me sniffling and came out to check on me and held me for a while, I refused to talk about it. I don't even know if he knows why I'm sad. I know damn well he won't bring it up and talk about it with me. I've asked him so many times not to do it and yet I always manage to find out that he's been doing it again.
I can't be with a man that does this. I don't want to have this fucking issue looming over me for the rest of my life while we are together. Like I don't want to constantly be fucking upset and worried about this forever.
And idk if he knows what's going on with me or not, but he's cleaning right now instead of leaving for work so I think he's trying to suck up, which is what he usually does when I'm upset with him. It's not working. I wish he would just leave me alone and go to work. That way I can keep being sad alone and not have to deal with him cooing over me because I'm upset. I just want to be alone. He's the reason I'm upset and he's making it so much harder for me to figure out what to do when he's sweet to me. Like it's not fair. Reasonably I should break up with him, but I love him so fucking much and we go together so well otherwise. And I feel like an asshole every time I bring this issue up because he's so defensive about it and no matter how many times I sob over it he doesn't seem to understand why it bothers me so much. And I know he loves me and he cares about me, but this hurts so bad.
I was gonna say something last night when I had found out, but thought twice and just left it alone. I know talking about it again won't change anything. It hasn't before. We have had that discussion so many fucking times and nothing changes. He just gets sneakier instead. Which I can't understand. I can't understand why he still does it knowing how much it hurts me. That feels so bad. There is just no use in talking about it anymore so the only other thing I can do is shove it down and pretend everything is fine and be sad alone.
I have my first appointment with my new counselor today, but I can't bring this issue up with her because my priority right now is an autism diagnosis and this shit happening right now is so inconvenient because it's getting in the way of dealing with other shit. Like if I talk to her about this today it's going to derail the whole thing and I can't do that right now. I need to deal with the autism stuff because that one thing alone would help with so many of my issues.
