I'm a Warrior and a Fighter.

I have been fighting an impossible fight against myself for more than half of my life. I'm slowly starting to gain back the control I lost in the battle. But the biggest fight will always be of who I am. I lost my identity and I'm fighting to get it back

[inhumanliquid]

People from this country are so cool

[awarriorandafighter]

I have Autism

I always felt out of place in the world, even now as an adult. Things that people my age like to do, I don’t. I rather stay at home on a Friday night, then go out to drink and dance. Same with small talk, I honestly never really understood the point of it, it just never made sense to me. At first when I talked with the psychiatrist, my concern was that my depression had caught up to me again, but it haden’t. But she did suspect that I might have Aspergers or ASD, I was a bit surprised cause I never thought about it, but when I got home I started looking into what Aspergers was and the traits that was connected with it. The more I read, the more things from my childhood made sense, how I would obese about things I found interesting, and why I would copy peoples behaviour I was around. I would try and copy the person/s I was with, in my attempt at blending in, as I very often stood out and I was often told that I did not fit in. Getting the Autism diagnose has helped me so much, I have come to understand that I am not alone or weird because I don’t act like others. I have realised that it’s okay that I like to be alone because I feel most at ease on my own, and that saying ‘no’ is not a bad word.

[awarriorandafighter]

Social Anxiety

I didn’t use to have social anxiety of any form of anxiety about going outside or being around people, but since COVID-19, whenever I’m going somewhere I start to feel paranoid or causes, I can’t explain it really. Every time I go to the store or mall, I constantly look over my shoulder as if I’m watching out for something or someone.

I have never felt like it, like I even had any issues while in New York going into stores and being around many people, but now just I hate going into small store like the 7/11.

[awarriorandafighter]

Inktober 2020 Day 1

[awarriorandafighter]

[wlfgrrl]

[awarriorandafighter]

[daweyt]

If you feel like you’ve seen this alread, that’s normal. This list of recommendation has been previously posted on my first account @praestantias which has been deleted for some reasons. So here I am, reposting it. 

Hating how elitist and eurocentric the dark academia community became, I would truly appreciate that you leave some recommendation of book written by people of color, for I noticed that I am guilty of the eurocentric part, but I am really want to educate myself and read more non-white books. 

Thank you for your suggestions!

[awarriorandafighter]

Bachelor research and writing at library

[awarriorandafighter]

Bachelor writing

[awarriorandafighter]

Feeling numb

It’s bugs me that I haven’t felt any real emotion about my grandfathers death. I haven’t felt anger, sad, happy or anything else. I’m just numb.

It really bothers me, like I start crying when a fictional character on a tv show or in a book dies, like I feel for a fictional person, who do not exist, but that the fact that my granddad who didn’t treat me different since my depression and anxiety disorder has died, I don’t feel anything. Like it hasn’t hit me. 

It’s like I wanna scream and cry, but I can’t. I feel nothing. BUT I know that if I want to feel anything, I have to lower my medication, in which I get my emotions back, but the anxiety attacks becomes a constant feeling of Fight/Fly in my head, which make it impossible for me to go to school or do anything beside shaking.

[awarriorandafighter]

Network security exam revision #studygram #school #revision #study #christmas #cybersecurity #student https://www.instagram.com/p/BrnFYIQhJzy/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=vqy16sjr1t55

[awarriorandafighter]

Saturday night Belladonna Blake drawing

[awarriorandafighter]

InkOctober drawing

[awarriorandafighter]

Ink October Drawing of Blake Belladonna

[awarriorandafighter]

Finished drawing of Blake Belladonna from RWBY

[awarriorandafighter]

Found the perfect spot in the library for reviewing lecture notes. #school #studygram #library #studyspace #lecturenotes https://www.instagram.com/p/BoRJGc3CSRf/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=kcehfe6iec7m