Jonah

Converting Catholic trying to survive bipolar and take up his cross ✝️

[rapunzels-digital-diary]

My dad was angry from the second I said “Catholic Church.”

He raised his voice at me the whole conversation. For once in my life, I finally argued back. “Why are you yelling at me? How is this conversation productive?”

He stood up and slammed his hands on the table and screamed at the top of his lungs at me. Never heard him scream so loud. Even at my abusive birth mother.

The whole time my mom is doing her best to defend me and calm him down.

I had a panic attack and yelled back at him as a reflex.

He speed walked across the kitchen, threw a chair out of the way, and screamed in my face. He said he’d hit me if I ever talked to him like that again.

I hyperventilated and he yelled at me to “shut the f*ck up.”

I threw up in my dinner.

In the end, he said I can do whatever I want. He’s furious.

I drove to my grandparents house, hyperventilating and screaming and crying the whole time. I didn’t know what to do so I called my ex. He offered to come down to my city for me but I said no. I called my best friend and she made sure I was okay til I got to my grandparents.

I’m staying the night here tonight.

Please pray for me.

[b0y-b1und3r]

I feel so overwhelmed lately. I've been getting by and trying to focus on scripture and reminding myself to pray and keep my eyes on God, but man, it's been so hard lately. I feel incredibly burdened by guilt and shame, I've been struggling at work, my anxiety is so bad right now, I've unfortunately relapsed back into self harm, and I just don't know. I know the miracle God works, I've been blessed by them, surely. I know it is more doubt of myself then God, but then even the prophets had doubt. Still, I feel really guilty and ashamed, about all stated above and other personal things. If anyone has advice on how they dealt with or coped through anything similar, or just in general, I'd really appreciate it.

Imagine a little victorian boy shaking a cup made out tin, probably, with a little victorian boy accent: Spar a prayer, please fine sir. 😔🙏

[b0y-b1und3r]

Try not to imply that Catholics are secretly all pedophiles or experiencing religous psychosis challenge! Level: Impossible if you're my coworker. Implied my church was a bunch of pedos and that I'm not medicated enough. 😋 Thanks babe, but I am in fact mildly mentally stable right now and am, in fact, not in a state of psychosis! 😋

[proptertedomine]

Urgent prayer request for my dad, A, who is going to go through radiotherapy for his late stage ca. I’m feeling overwhelmed and anxious, and i can only say ‘God, help,’ but please pray for my dad’s overall condition and my family who’s trying to support him. Thank you very much.

#prayer request

[proptertedomine]

Update on this. Dad went through with the radiotherapy and for the past months he got weaker but was still able to do his daily routines. Last night he got admitted to the hospital with confusion/delirium, and local doctor thought it’s because the ca in his brain. I think he’s rapidly declining. Can i ask for more prayers for my dad and family? I’m afraid he won’t last long. Lord, have mercy.

[b0y-b1und3r]

Chat what do if falling for someone you know is not great person, but might be, and makes you laugh and has same sense of humor and, oh, also 20 years older than you? Normally, my crushes on the morally gray don't matter cause there's never a chance, theres actually kinda a chance. And on one hand, I've heard unsavory thing but on the other... I havent clicked or smiled or laughed with someone so much, in any context even platonic, in years. I think my biggest grip is the age difference. Idk ☝️😭 praying for discernment but worried my feelings will cloud my judgements and I need advice.

[b0y-b1und3r]

Tangentially related to my last post, although Ive gotten tons of support and that is what I chose to focus my energy on 99% of the time, but my last post kinda got ke thinking about it so, i shall briefly complain and surrender the rest to Him.

I just hate how many jokes have been made at the expense of my finding God. :( People joking that I will suddenly become hateful when that has never been my character, people joking making references to religous psychosis (which is in fairness a possible thing I could endure due to my mental illness, but it's never in good faith or concern), my sister has been especially weird about it and will listen to me talk about most anything but the second I bring up anything in relation to God she just makes mean jokes or says she'd rather do things she hates than listen to me, I listen to worship music at work when I can (ie in the back and not dealing with customers) and some of my cowrokers are just weird about it, and just other weird things or comments or jokes. It just sucks, it won't change my determination and it won't shake my faith, it does however, hurt my feelings.

Like I said, though, it's not something I will focus on. I've been incredibly blessed by the church I have found and all the support I receive and I won't let that blessing be outshined by some less than positive people. I know there is a purpose to these situations and I will keep these people in my prayers, regardless, that they may, too, find light in Him as I and so many others have.

[b0y-b1und3r]

My sister said it was because I'm Catholic now, but is not like weird how people dress up (for Halloween, or to fetishize, or insult not like kids playing dress-up or even people with a genuine appreciation(?)) as nuns or priests or bishops? Like in any other context its taken as disrecesptful to sexualize people who are celibate for their religon and its frowned upon. Obviously this is not the biggest issue in the world. It just makes me feel weird and I wanna know if other people feel the same 😭

Anyways, I hope you all had a lovely day, and regardless of if you think I'm being sensitive (which maybe I am, ive found myself being sensitive toward this all a lot more because I feel like people are not acting in good faith and people have lwk been making fun of my conversion.), I pray for you all. 🫶

[b0y-b1und3r]

God is good. That's all there is to it.

As I let God work through me, despite all my iniquities and my failings to him, I feel myself becoming a person again. I feel, for the first time in so long, myself.

May I continue to work and improve for such a loving merciful God. May I continue to worry less, not so that I do not improve but rather so I can. So He can continue to work through me. So I can see at last all the light He has shone on my life. I must work to worry less, to focus less on what I didn't and don't have, so that I may see all that I do.

For the first time in years, I have friends, I have joy, I have hope, I have want and motivation. For the first time in years, I am doing what I love. I could never thank or praise or love Him enough to repay all that He has done or given me, yet He still sees what I do as enough. For that alone, I weep with utter joy.

I still struggle, I will continue to, yet I hope in those moments I can remember all that I have been blessed with.

[b0y-b1und3r]

(Poorly worded vent ahead.)

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I've really been struggling with my mental health lately and it's been affecting my motivation/ability to do right by God. :( it feels so hard to do right by God. It feels like I'm failing, not because I can't be with God, I almost always feel like I'm with Him but like, I can't do right by Him. I feel trapped in sin, and I can't get out of bed, I don't see my psych for another two weeks, so I can't have my meds adjusted till then. And, I desperately need an adjustment, I just feel trapped. I just work to pay bills, come home, rot, and despair at the mess of my room. I don't wanna have to go to a hospital again, I'm not there yet. But I'm terrified to be there again. I've been struggling not to relapse in certain areas and have completely relapsed in others. I can't find any decent therapists either. Urrrgghh, I'm frustrated.

I don't know if I explained or worded any of this well, but if anyone has advice or experience with mental illness and trying to do right by God, I'd appreciate any advice. 🫶

[b0y-b1und3r]

I start OCIA classes tmr! I feel like it's my first day at school, except I'm lwk excited!! Please pray for me. Hopefully, it goes well cause I'm really nervous 😓

[b0y-b1und3r]

Did God not dirty His hands to make me? Breath life into dust? He did not just speak me into existence, He breathed life into my lungs. His love personal and unending. He meets my anger with grace. He meets my lust with grace. He meets my pride with grace. He meets me with grace.

I have to remind myself of His grace while not allowing my flesh to abuse it. Yet, at the same time, I have to remind myself of His grace so I do not hide in my shame and guilt.

I do not know what He wants from yet, I do not know what He has planned for me. Yet, I know He his equipped me to complete His will.

I know one day, I will know what I am here for, and I probably won't feel ready, but I know through Christ, and with Him, I will succeed.