The Life Of Greyson Crowe

Daily baby updates and photographs, documented emotions and milestones. You are so loved, Greyson. I can’t wait to meet you.

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My baby bear is turning 3 in a month🥹 It’s been a wild year and a half since my last post.

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Baby bear is 16 months old!! 🥺

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Baby bear is 8 months old in a week😭

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How are you already 6 months old😭

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I love my child but some days I wish I never decided to have a kid

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My child is so irritable and fussy it’s unreal. He’s seriously making me never want another child. I honestly don’t know how I’d ever deal with going through this a second time. I guess we’re one and done!

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Why do I even have this page if no one cares enough to reach out and give advice or much needed positivity in a trying time?? Tumblr moms, you need to fucking step it up. Fuck everyone and everything. I guess I’ll suffer in silence until I just eventually kill my self.

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I just had to leave my sons hospital room because the noise was becoming too much. The beeping of the machines, the monitor, the chaos of a hospital setting. My chest started to tighten, my stomach was clenching because I felt like I was going to vomit. I had a sob caught in my throat. I needed air before I literally lost my mind. I went up to the rooftop garden, and I was looking out at the city. I cried. I wanted to scream, break everything in sight. I thought about how easy it would be to run away. I planned my escape in my head. I imagined jumping off the building, escaping this entire existence. I cried that I thought those things when my sick child lay a few floors down in his tiny prison cell, his crib with the long bars and the wires everywhere. This whole hospital feels like a prison. My mind feels like a prison. I feel like this sentence has been too long, for both of us. I feel drained, discouraged, hopeless. This is reality, I didn’t expect motherhood to be anything like this. It’s post partum. It’s raw and it’s terrible. It’s motherhood.

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Everything’s messy. My life’s a mess, my finances are a mess, my mental health is a mess, my relationship is a mess, my son is still in the hospital and we’re going on 6 weeks now. Genuinely don’t understand when all this will get better, if it all. I seriously just don’t want to be alive.

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I am hideously and miserably depressed. I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it go away.

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He is high key always judging me🙄

Oh yeah it’s been a while since I’ve updated, my baby came home when he was 10 days old, and this Thursday he will be a month old😭 I already feel like time is flying by and it’s making me SICK

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Being away from my baby is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. Emotionally, I have never felt such emptiness in my whole life. It feels like a piece of my soul is missing. He will be able to come home soon, I know it. It’s just so incredibly difficult to be so far away from him and not be able to cuddle him and give him what he needs.

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At 1:02pm on 8/8/19, my son took his first breath and stole mine away. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the sound of his first cry the second they pulled him out. I was so nervous. I was rushed in for a csection after he was showing signs of fetal distress. They told me not to be surprised if they didn’t show me him right away over the curtain because he may need to be whisked away to the NICU if he was having trouble breathing or anything. This little boy came out SCREAMING. I immediately started sobbing uncontrollably. I cannot believe I was pregnant for almost 10 months, and after being in the hospital for 2 days they were able to pull him out in 5 minutes. It seems like a cosmic joke in a way😂. I have never felt so blessed in my life. I can’t even tell you the overwhelming love I feel in my heart, it seems like I could never find the right words. He is my everything, my world, my reason for living. I’m so happy he’s here💙

With that being said, let’s get real about being a little over 24 hours post partum. Breastfeeding SUCKS. I love the bond that I have with him while he takes comfort in being so close to me and loving me, but the PAIN! He doesn’t have a correct latch yet so everytime he feeds it feels like he’s chomping on my nipple. He’s definitely getting something out of it because he’s peed and after he’s done he is able to sleep and isn’t still hungry. But he’s definitely doing damage on my nipples and they are SORE. Also no one tells you how hard it is to get colostrum out of your brand new breastfeeding nipples. It takes a lot of coercion and stimulation to get that gold out, and for someone who has had incredibly sensitive boobs my whole life and was scared of breastfeeding for the longest time for that reason, I can confirm its everything I feared lol. Next, the ITCHINESS!! Idk if everyone reacts this way to being under anesthesia but I have been so itchy ALL over since giving birth and it’s very annoying. I can’t stop scratching and I feel like my skin is crawling. Another thing, the annoyance of a damn catheter. Like yeah sure laying there I don’t notice it but when I regained feeling and wanted to move my legs around or move my butt around in bed to get comfy, it was almost impossible because of the catheter. Also the beds are incredibly uncomfortable no matter what hospital you go to and I’m convinced I will leave here in a few days with bed sores! Okay and one thing I will literally NEVER forget is the first time I stood up after having the csection. Let’s get real here, and by real, I mean graphic. The blood... the AMOUNT of blood that you have just leaking out of you even though you didn’t even give birth vaginally is WILD. I stood up for the first time and blood literally splattered on the floor and followed me in a trail to the bathroom. They said it was normal but I can tell you there was nothing that felt normal about that scenario. Finally I’m not bleeding an immense amount 24 hours later. They just took me to the bathroom again an hour ago and I didn’t feel it rush out of me like a damn water fall. Getting up the first time was also an unexpected feeling. Your legs are literal jello, you’re hunched over because you had a major surgery on your stomach area and you literally feel like you can’t straighten out from the pain of the incision, the DIZZINESS. It was an all around mess. But honestly... as scared as I am of my own body currently, everytime I look at my baby I can’t help but find it incredible that it was able to make something so perfect. And it makes ALL of the inconveniences worth it. I can’t say that I have the urge to have another child any time soon (lol obviously) but I had so many people tell me towards the end that you’ll immediately forget all the hard and painful times of pregnancy and birth right away and look at your baby and want another. I honestly just can’t say I had that feeling. And being a day post partum, I feel a little differently? But still the overall verdict is I am not doing this again for a long time! Babies are so worth it but it’s so incredibly long of a process, and the birth part is scary and it’s crazy how much one body is capable of when bringing that baby into this world. But it’s just way too much to even think about going through all that again for another one. I will enjoy every second that I have with my son, and one day when he’s bigger I may feel that lingering baby fever I’ve had since I was a child myself, and go through all of this pain all over again. We’ll see!

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Still no baby🙄

It’s 3:39am on Thursday the 8th. Fingers crossed that today is baby boys birthday. I’m so over the waiting game. We were finally moved to the labor delivery room, but are still waiting for labor to even happen. I am currently on an IV with pitocin. The doctors said they will break my water in the morning if it doesn’t happen in the next couple of hours to really put me into active labor. And then finally the countdown will be on. I’m so excited and can’t wait to finally have my baby in my arms! I just wish time would speed up and go a little faster.

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38 weeks pregnant as of yesterday

Aaaand it’s baby time! I’ve been in the hospital since yesterday night at 9. I’m being induced! Baby will be here in a matter of hours (hopefully)! I’m so excited to finally meet my little bub💙

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37 weeks on Tuesday

Baby boy should be here any day now! The anticipation is KILLING me! I go in for my next appointment on Tuesday and I’m HOPING I’ve started to dilate! At my 36 week appointment they told me I wasn’t dilated at all but my cervix was very very soft and the baby’s head is right against my cervix. Yes it’s been very uncomfortable😂 I can’t wait to have him here and I’m doing everything I can to try to speed up the labor process!

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I’m so pleased with how my maternity pictures came out😍 I truly felt like a goddess🤰🏻💙