Less than an hour. That’s all the time it took to cause irreversible damage, time that would inevitably haunt me the rest of my life.. A short, usually insignificant amount of time, seemed like it lasted forever. That’s all the time it took change me for the rest of my life. Because that’s all the time it took for me to be raped.
When you hear that word, the first thought that usually comes to mind is some crazy psycho stranger attacking their randomized victim, or a sick psychotic family member or friend attacking one of their loved ones in a disturbed state of mind. You see it on the news, hear it on the radio. You never imagine it could happen to you, especially not by someone you love. I was arguing with my (ex now) boyfriend, and oh I had had it up to here with him, our relationship was beyond saving and I knew it was only a matter of time before we I had the guts to throw in the towel, which was easier said then done with my rather aggressive… Counter partner.. Instead I sat back and held my tongue. As I was laying there that night I knew what he wanted, and he knew he wasn’t getting anything from me. That’s when my nightmare began. He flipped me over and held me down, and began to pull off my pants. I realized at that point what was coming next begged and pleaded for him to get off of me, my attempts at getting him off failed miserably though and through panicked tears I pleaded one last time. But it was too late. I sobbed silently until he was done with me, then ran to the bathroom, still in a state of shock from what happened. Only then did I realized he had raped me until I bled..I couldn’t get the words out to ask him why, I couldn’t get the words out to say anything. I managed to mutter something about rape underneath my breath and he was outraged. Exclaiming his disbelief that I would accuse him of that and guilting me until I apologized for upsetting him. I Apologized……. After all he did to me. Because of course it’s not rape when I’m his girlfriend. I owe him whatever he wants with my body. He has the right to do anything he’d like with me at anytime because I’m his… Like a piece of property. Because I felt dirty… Because even though I said no, again and again and again.. It wasn’t rape because HE said so.
I took me so long to accept what had happened, it took me even longer to realize that he was the one in the wrong, not me. It took me forever to accept what had happened, and unfortunately it’s something I will never forget. Because I still have flashbacks. When I hear the word rape my skin cringes, and sometimes when my current boyfriend grabs me from behind to embrace me in a hug I have flashbacks. And he doesn’t understand why I start crying. Because honestly I don’t understand, I don’t understand why he did what he did to me, nor why I let him get away with it. I don’t understand how he gets to go on living life normally while I’ll never be the same…. How do you forget? I can’t seem to figure out….All because of one night, one person.. And less than an hour.
