The entire day seemed weighted down by the inevitable event which now had him sitting at a small kitchen island. It was hard not to recall the previous moments they shared here: nose deep in calculus or AP chemistry. Attempting to tuck his long legs underneath he wrapped his knee on the corner and did his best to act like it didn’t happen. Just like old times. Accustomed to being placed in stressful triggering situations he’d say this would have to rank somewhere up there. A session that may very well tear at an old wound which he just assumed to leave the calloused scar be. With that being said with each moment they spent together since she’d returned felt as if they were on waited time.
Leave it to Alyssa to not dally, but dive into the heart of the matter. It was evident by her mannerisms she struggled in this as well. Naturally, he was a bit taken aback by her words and thought this conversation was going to take a very different course. Softly tapping the tips of his fingers on the counter he’d been expecting to apologize, but instead saw she was in a place of regret over her own actions, and finally for the right reasons. Treading gently he chose his next words carefully not wanting to fracture gentle truths. “I wish you had, but I wish a lot of things had gone down differently.” It was difficult, but he finally managed to lift his gaze to catch her amber hued eyes. “I wish one of us would’ve had the ability to pull back before we demolished our friendship.” Dropping his eyes momentarily again to the surface of the island before he added to the list regrets. “Wished I had known it was your first time,“ this had long been a point of contention within himself because he knew things would’ve gone very differently if he’d been privy.
Tracing her silhouette up until he gazed into her soft eyes again he dug deep liberating the next words from the dark recesses where it slumbered. “I think the hardest part was to see the regret on your face every time we passed in the hall, or the denials when I attempted to approach. My feelings for you were very complicated back then, and to know you considered me a mistake tore at me. I didn’t know how to fix that. I’m not even sure I can fix it now.”
NO LONGER WAS the tea burning her. Instead, her fingers have gotten numb from the truth that thickened the atmosphere between the pair. His translucent vulnerability froze every nerve in her body, and Alyssa Bachman was caught in a moment of time with no seconds ticking to encourage movement. She wanted this, though. She wanted to talk about what happened long ago; therefore, she should have been mentally and physically prepared for the interaction and honesty. The truth was not only to be eaten from her palm, but, instead, it had to be served alongside him. She was not the only individual present in the past; he was there. He was gonna have his share of the situation, and, for some reason, Alyssa was not prepared to hear Ryan tell his part of what happened---to hear his feelings.
Setting the fragile mug down, her posture straightened in stance, and she nibbled her lesser lip in thought. If only one of them in the room could have withdrew from the situation thirty years ago, they would not have to have this conversation. But, it is often demonstrated that the adolescents cannot ignore the animalistic drives of biology, and that is what happened. Alyssa had a plan, though. She was going to save herself until she was married. Her Catholic mother preached the idea and lifestyle from a young age, and she had every intention to follow through until she was happily married. When she lost her virginity at only eighteen with Ryan, she overreacted. She got scared. She got nervous. She got depressed. Her purity to the promise was out of her plan, and she was doubting what else she would ruin just like that.
But, it’s important to note that Ryan was not the mistake. She recalls being very fond of the younger blond, for he was always very kind to her, and they shared great memories. Driving around town listening to the classics while laughing at some silly joke, eating greasy foods late at night when studying kept them up, and sharing inside jokes that they could whisper during class. To say she did not have a slight crush on the guy would be lie---after all, she wouldn’t just sleep with a person with no intention. The mistake was that she even caved; that she slept with someone without the ring and approval of God above.
“You weren’t the mistake, Ryan.” She spoke quietly, her voice shaking, for the emotional brunette was already resting on a weak spot. “I should have never made you think that was the case because it’s far from the truth. If I had to lose my virginity to anyone so soon, I’m glad it was with you.” She had to chuckle at that, as it was an awkward thing to even think about. “I was scared. I had this whole plan since I was just a little girl. I was going to be the president---that was the plan. I was going to be valedictorian, move to New York, get married, have kids, and I was going to conquer the American Dream. I only accomplished two of those things. I had to learn later on that the plan was a disaster to begin with, but eighteen year old me did not want to think that. The plan was everything.” Taking a deep breath, Alyssa had her chocolate hues on Ryan ahead, completely trained on him, “But you were not the mistake, and I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”
