So guys (the zero people who follow me).. a little update.
I’m actually doing pretty good. I’ve dyed my hair and been trying to learn to love myself and right now things are ok. The world is still mental but personally, I’m ok.
But I’ve been doing some reflecting and wanted to get it out of my brain.
So this last year and a bit have been Sh*t. From the end of 2019 it’s all just been a bit crap.
I ended 2019 with being broken up with by someone I thought I’d be with forever and having to move back in with my parents. That was 3 days before my scheduled major surgery to remove a 20cm 1kg ovarian cyst and my ovary and tubes with it. That cyst turned out to be a borderline tumour. Meaning it was not malignant (cancerous) but also not benign (not cancer). It was somewhere in the middle, because of this i need 6 monthly check ups as it can return to my remaining ovary and could turn to cancer. So that sucked. 6 weeks off of work just dealing with that realisation, along with the risks with loosing an ovary. I could have early menopause, i have a higher risk of having a child with Down syndrome, I also may struggle to get pregnant when the time comes. Along with loosing who I thought was my true love.
I was back to work by Christmas and at the start of the new year I travelled abroad to visit my sibling, while there i got fired from my job (my boss was an arse so had no good reason to fire me). I then had 6 weeks jobless while my parents (who i then lived with) went on holiday for 6 weeks. I managed to get a new job before they got back which i loved! Then Covid and Lockdown happened.
Things were normal for a while, my first scan showed no issues and work was going well (had a few hiccups there but generally good). One of my snakes passed away which was very sad but he is forever in my heart.
My birthday was in summer and I had to stay home, my closest friend didn’t bother to even get me a card. Although another friend came through!
Then in Autumn I had an issue with my sibling in this country. I let slip something I shouldn’t have and they went MENTAL! Now I’m dead to them, they wont see or speak to me and they don’t want me to see their children (whom I love with everything).
A month later an old friend of mine sadly passed away. He was an absolutely amazing person and it was a tragic accident that took him from us. This hit hard. He was my age and had helped me with some really dark times, there was a time we were really really close. I hated the idea he wouldn’t have a life. He deserved one, far more than me. That same night my rescue lizard passed of old age. My parents were away during all of this so I had to deal with it alone. My “closest friend” wouldn’t come with me to cremate her and then told me off for guilt tripping because I had no one to comfort me through this.
A week after that I had a date, I had told the guy I didn’t want to sleep with him so to not push it. After all it was our first date! He had come to my place though. It was all going well, we had takeaway and watched a movie and cuddled. We were making out and then that’s when it happened. He went in. He didn’t ask, i didn’t say I’d changed my mind, I hadn’t even realised straight away. He didn’t even put a johnny on. I froze. I didn’t know what to do! He was a military guy bigger and stronger than me and this was my house, I couldn’t leave! So i said nothing, I was scared and in shock.
It took me a while to process and I have found it really hard to know how I feel about it. I spoke to him the next day to tell him it was not ok. We haven’t spoken since. I felt gross and scared and ashamed, I had my “closest friend” tell me that it was nothing because i didn’t scream or push him off. Silence is not consent. SILENCE IS NOT CONSENT. I decided not to respond to him undermining what happened, he hasn’t messaged me since and that was over a month ago. I haven’t told my parents and plan not to. I don’t want them to be mad or see me differently.
Me trying to talk about it with people drove a lot of wedges between us. But the decent ones stayed. I may have less people but I know they truly care for me.
So now I’m at this point... A handful of close friends, still got a job, still mostly single but not actively dating (first dates are off the table for a while). I am kind of seeing someone that has been in my life for a year now but it is a low pressure thing. And I’m learning to love myself.
My final thought: Yes this has been Sh*t, well and truly sh*t but you know what!? I’M STILL HERE. Through all this crap, mostly dealt with alone, I have survived. So Yes i am one badass b*tch and yes I do deserve love and compassion, even from myself. So F*CK 2020 and roll on 2021. It may be just as rubbish but I’ll be here.
So Love yourself guys and remember, you are still here, you have conquered and you can again!
