Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)
Since CEN is about what your parents DIDN’T do rather than DID, it can be hard to identify if you were emotionally neglected as a child. Here are some signs of potential CEN, paraphrased from Jonice Webb’s Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect.
1. Expressing guilt, discomfort or self-directed anger for having feelings (especially negative feelings)
Apologizing for crying in front of therapists, friends, or loved ones. Preceding statements of emotions with apologies: “I feel terrible saying this, but I didn’t really want to go to the family reunion.” “I know this is wrong, but I felt like walking out.” “I know this means I’m a bad person, but I get really angry when she does that.”
2. Fiercely defending parents from negative interpretations (from therapists, friends, or loved ones)
The emotionally neglected are desperate to protect their parents from blame. They tend to view their parents as somewhat ideal, and are naturally driven to blame themselves for their struggles. When others get close to identifying ways in which their parents may have failed them, the emotionally neglected adult is quick to explain that their parents “did the best they could” or “aren’t to blame.”
3. Doubting the substance of their memories from childhood
Many emotionally neglected adults have difficulty recalling specific things about their childhoods. They often report that their childhood feels like a blur that’s hard to differentiate into exact events. furthermore, they often distrust their own emotional read on the childhood memories that they do have. When they’re reporting their mother’s temper, their father’s workaholism, etc. in therapy sessions with me, they often pause to question the reality, importance or validity of their memory. “I feel like I’m probably exaggerating it. It wasn’t really that bad,” one woman said to me while tears were rolling down her cheeks. “Isn’t this boring for you to listen to?” one man said to me while telling me about his parents’ lack of reaction to the death of his dog when he was ten. Or, “I don’t know why I’m telling you this, it’s probably not important,” another man said while relaying a story about how his cherished stepfather disappeared from his life after divorcing his mother.
4. Lacking understanding of how emotions work; their own as well as others.
The emotionally neglected are apt to have a low Emotional Intelligence Quotation (EQ). But it is very difficutl for the emotionally neglected to realize that their emotional understanding is poor. They grew up in families in which this was the case, and they’ve lived their lives this way. Here are some signs of this “alexithymia” (inability to identify and describe emotions in the self). You may need the help of a therapist, friends, or loved ones to identify these signs in yourself:
repeated physical discomfort (may be evidenced by squirming or fidgeting) when experiencing an emotion, especially a negative one
telling emotionally intense stories in a way that is completely devoid of emotional content (not talking about how you felt, brushing off your own negative feelings, joking about something that should clearly be emotionally disturbing)
changing the subject quickly or resorting to humor when someone steers a discussion in an emotional direction
showing a repeated inability to give answers to feeling-oriented questions. This may consist of giving intellectualized or avoidant answers.
Intellectual response example:
Q: “What did you feel when she told you to leave?”
A: “I thought she was being a jerk.”
(Questioner asked for a feeling; answerer gave a thought or judgment instead.)
Avoidant response example:
Q: “What did you feel when she told you to leave?”
A: “I hadn’t realized she was that angry until she said that.”
(Questioner asked for a feeling; answerer gave information that did not directly answer the question. A feeling answer might have been, “I felt surprised.”)
The emotionally neglected feel upset with themselves for needing help, especially help from a therapist, friend, or loved one in dealing with their negative emotions. They may see their need for therapy or emotional help as weak, pathetic, shameful, foolish, or frivolous. “Shouldn’t I be over this by now?” “I’ll bet not many 37-year-olds are still trying to learn how to say no.” “I don’t like feeling that I need you. I want to stop treatment for a while, to make sure I can do it on my own.” They feel ashamed for not being able to handle things by themselves.
It’s hard to glean what didn’t happen from childhood memories. Things to listen for:
Memories of a parent drastically misunderstanding the child’s feelings, needs, or personality. One young woman about to obtain her bachelor’s degree in social work told me about her parents’ pressure upon her all through middle and high school to skip college and take over her father’s brick delivery service. I found myself wondering whether these parents had any idea at all who their daughter was.
Memories that entail the parent negating, ignoring, or over-simplifying the child’s emotions. For example, one neglectful mother said to her son, “Your big sister misses her father” soon after their father suddenly passed away, paying no heed whatsoever to the feelings of her son.
Memories of a parent having a favorite phrase that squelches the child’s emotional expression, like “Don’t be a baby,” “Get over it,” or “Stop crying.” (Not that many mindful parents might use these phrases on occasion; it must be either used extremely inappropriately just once, or used frequently, to indicate that it represents a general philosophy of Emotional Neglect.)
Memories that convey significant feelings of deprivation in some non-physical area that was important to the patient as a child. “I was fascinated with the guitar but my mom insisted that I be a violin player.” “I REALLY wanted to be with my friends in middle school but my parents were really strict.”
Memories that seem unimportant but have a lot of emotion attached to them. On the surface, the event in a memory might seem trivial, but the lack of emotional attunement from parents can make it memorable. Watch for intense but seemingly meaningless memories, because they’re often remembered specifically because they’re loaded with the invisible pain of emotional neglect.
Some people are able to see on their own that they are depressed or have anxiety. But it is unusual for an adult to identify emotional neglect for themselves. If you doubt if these signs sound like you, try asking a therapist, close friend, or loved one for their opinion!
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