I check the want ads repeatedly
Read through the numerous internet sites of job postings and local companies.
I do this daily.
Like a zealot, this, the pursuit of employment,
has become my religion.
I pray for a new listing.
Something different from yesterday… And the day before… And the day before that.
Something that fits me. Something that I fit.
Something
To give me back the dignity that has slowly been leaking out of my soul these past several months.
A life line.
Cover letters & resumes,
Being printed & mailed,
Being emailed
Being dropped off in person to a self-righteous office assistant who looks at me with pity & doesn’t know how lucky she is to have a job.
My resume being added to the pile of applications already received. To eventually be scanned by someone who doesn’t know me,
Know my work ethic,
My personality,
My name.
And that fancy, ridiculous resume paper that I can barely afford
Ends up in the garbage,
Or the shredder,
Or the incinerator…
Wait for the day that the listing closes.
Wait for the phone call requesting an interview.
Wait for someone to toss me that rope and give me a chance to climb up and prove myself.
But the calls rarely come. There’s just too many of us competing
for the same job.
Too many of us needing that chance.
Too many who have that extra in-
Knows a friend of a friend.
Is the managers niece,
Went to school with someone’s brother.
It’s often not about what you know, but WHO you know.
And here, in this town, I’m a stranger,
A no one
An outsider who has been trying to get in.
An unknown.
If the call comes, the excitement
the nerves
the sense of hope
are all mixed up inside me.
I choose an outfit.
I do my hair & make up
I walk with confidence
and smile and laugh
and try to sell myself without looking desperate.
And I hear interest in their voices, the group of people interviewing me.
Yes group.
It’s always 3-6 people.
If this is news to you, you haven’t been on a job interview in awhile
have you?
So I hear interest
And I feel hope.
And I wait to get that next phone call…
And I wait.
And I wait.
And wait.
At last the company might send a letter-
Informing me how grateful they are for my interest in the position…
However-
How. ever.
How.
Ever…
I am
overqualified…
under qualified…
I would be unhappy working for hourly pay…
I need to set my sights higher.
Or lower.
Or “we’ve chosen another candidate”
Excuses
made up ways to nicely say
YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH
to work here.
Not good enough to break your back
for us.
And with that letter,
and the waiting,
And the hope
And the possibility that I might finally be able to regain some self respect…
All being crushed…
I climb in my bed and cry.
Only to get up the next day
and start looking again.
Because like I said-
Right now
It’s my religion.
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