In hindsight, this is the funniest line in all of Steven Universe

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@bardofspades
In hindsight, this is the funniest line in all of Steven Universe
we need some sort of nepo baby with tinseltown connections to hook us up with a tv adaptation because what do you mean the 1000 cockroaches vs one person in the attic joke breached containment
Nursey is a Greenville Swamp Rabbits fan. He buys Dex this T-shirt. How many hours does he have?
Also he get this one for Bitty
Nursey is a Greenville Swamp Rabbits fan. He buys Dex this T-shirt. How many hours does he have?
a dirkjake commission I did as part of the HS x requiem cafe event! ☕
jack immediately connected to cowboy carter in a way that bitty doesn't fully understand and eric richard...is a little bit jealous...
It's gonna be really funny when Bitty finds out that Jack already knows how to line dance.
I fell down the dungeon meshi rabbit hole. Dungeon hole? There are holes involved.
Gallery Quality Prints
Hey, everyone! I finally updated my inprnt with some TLOU illustrations, a LOZ illustration, and several of my Spider-Man illustrations. If any favorites are missing just let me know!
I’m also setting up a ko-fi. I don’t expect anyone to do this, I don’t want anyone to think they need to pay to see my fanart! However, my dog Finch has had some weird medical stuff going on for just shy of a year now, which has been really expensive, with a couple of extremely costly procedures coming up after getting referred to a specialist, so if you want to purchase a print or tip me for fanart I definitely would appreciate it tremendously.
I’ve already taken another job to help pay for the golden child’s medical bills, so I probably will only open commissions if I get truly desperate as I don’t really have the energy for it rn, but if you see that happen then you know the status of things 🥲
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The fuck is this doing in AZ?
grizzled dead-inside hired assassin but he never falls for the femme fatale he only falls for the Completely Awkward Guy At The Computer and it's really frustrating for him
sorry had to revise this from secret agent to assassin; I want no connotations of suaveness. i want a functioning alcoholic who hasn't shaved in days bleeding ("am I bleeding? jesus fu—") from a torso wound, passing out, gun in hand, and waking up to Guy At The Computer making a functioning nuclear reactor in Minecraft. He looks up groaning and is just like "bad news: i'm still alive worse news: i'm deeply attracted to this....person" nerd swivels around in an ergonomic chair "oh you're awake!" takes off his headset and he's wearing a loss t-shirt
YES okay EVERYONE, I know what Metal Gear Solid is—I'm just looking....It's the aesthetic. The visuals. Assassin in a blood splattered bowling shirt (disgusting) with crunchy stubble (greying) and bags under his eyes (permanent) nerd with big glasses and a huge "wow you were the guy who caused the 40 pile car pile up in istanbul a few years back?? that's really neat" smile. Every time assassin gets an update on his ear piece he sighs like a war general. he's pretty sure he's cursed and died in that chemical plant explosion in Beaumont and each of these gigs is purgatory. Nerd is new. He's SO thrilled that he got partnered with this venerable LEGEND. "You know before this, I was hacking at Amazon. Well. Technically, I was hacking in Amazon. Like in their Seattle HQ? In the basement? They didn't know I was down there lolz."
Preserving my tags from this post, also here's some GODDAMN ART so you all can stop saying this is Metal Gear Solid*
once a week someone here sends me a Google Doc Request To Read HARDY a screenplay i wrote about a stoic gay hockey player—
listen pals that thing is 10 years old and idk probably has Kesha songs referenced in it. They probably say “Thanks, Obama.” and i wrote it before check please so there’s proto-shittys in there. i realize while typing this attempt to dissuade you that i have caused only more intrigue
Reverse Pining AU
"Bro!"
"No!"
"Bro!!"
"I'm not interested!" Ransom shoulders his way through the doorway, pushing Holster aside.
Holster darts around through the kitchen and cuts off Ransom's path towards the front door. "Bro. You have Alexei Fucking Mashkov sending you chocolate and flowers. An NHL super-star is falling head over heels for you. This is Grade-A romantic shit and you can't just brush it off like it's no big deal. There are straight dudes all over the country waiting in line for a date with Alexei Mashkov."
Ransom crosses his arm and huffs back. "The guy doesn't even know my name. The last time we saw him, he was calling me 'Andy' the entire time. Not to mention I'd hardly call him a superstar. He's one game suspension away from being a certified goon, his scoring has been in a downward spiral for the last two years, and it's amazing that they keep him on the first line when his turnovers have their own cookbook."
"I only care about your happiness."
Ransom's eyes narrow to match his remaining patience.
"Okay, okay. I get it. I'll drop the whole thing." Holster throws his hands up in surrender and steps out of the way. "But before you go, just answer me one question. Ignoring all the hockey stats that you've conveniently memorized, do you find him attractive?"
"…Fine. One date."
"Yes!"
"Just one! And if it doesn't work out, then we never speak of this ever again."
Be Better - Jack Zimmermann (Half Baked, A Check, Please! Musical)
There's a Check, Please! Musical in my head and it needs out.
A flashback to Jack when he was in the Q.
(Maybe someday I'll find the push to record a demo). [Read on AO3] --- [Am F C G]
~Coach/Speaking~ Settle down, gentlemen. Now, I know you've seen the news. Everybody's talking about ya. We got some good talent on this team. Heck, maybe even the best. But don't think I'm gonna let you coast through the season just because you're good Because If you really want to win, well...
~Verse1 - Coach~ When the clock's ticking down and the game's on the line Will you bring the fire? Will you bring the fight? They think you're the best, and maybe they're right But you gotta be, you gotta be better
You want the glory, You want the cup You want it all and you're not giving up. You give it your best, but it isn't enough So you gotta be, You better be...
~Chorus/Coach~ You better be fierce, you better be tough You better be ready when the going gets rough You gotta be better You gotta be better
You better be fast, You better be strong You think you can last, Well show me how long You gotta be better You gotta be better
~Coach/Speaking~ Parson, Zimmermann, You're up. *Pats Jack on the shoulder* Give 'em hell, kid
~Verse2 - Jack~ Looking down the ice, Number 1 on my back 90s to me left and he's on the attack He's making a play, but I'm all out of gas I gotta be, I gotta be better
Looking down the road and I can't seem to breathe Everyone here is counting on me I know we can win, I just gotta believe That I can be, I better be...
~Chorus/Team~ You better be fierce, you better be tough You better be ready when the going gets rough You gotta be better (better better) You gotta be better (better better)
You better be strong, You better be fast Cause if you're not first, You might as well be last You gotta be better (better better) ~Jack~ I gotta be better
You better be quick, You better be sharp You better not slip, You better have heart You gotta be better (better better) You gotta be better (better better)
You better be fierce, you better be tough You better be ready when the going gets rough You gotta be better (better better) You gotta be better (better better)
~Jack~ One more shot, the arena gets loud One more goal, and there goes the crowd One more win, and my dad'll be proud I gotta be... gotta be better
One more hit and armys will fall One more shot and I hear the call One more pill and I'll have it all I gotta be... gotta be... *thump*
~Kent~ Jack!
Wrecked
Read on AO3 Jack wakes up in a strange apartment, but some things are a little too familiar. Soundtrack: Wrecked - Imagine Dragons ----
Jack breathes in the crisp air as the morning sun fills the bedroom. That breath gets held, however, when Jack realizes that something is off. This is not his bed. Opening his eyes, he realizes that this is not room. Well, sort of. The bed and furniture is all rearranged, but it is definitely shaped like his room. Maybe he wandered off and fell asleep in someone's apartment in the same complex.
Jack thought he had broken the habit of waking up in strange bedrooms. This will be difficult to explain later, but alibis can wait. Right now, it's time to make it like a hockey player and leaf.
Jack pulls up the sheets and... naked. Great. Jack scan his surroundings to see a clean bedroom and nothing resembling his clothes anywhere on the floor, walls, or ceiling. Either this possible one night stand is very tidy, or he walked into this room with his whole Zimmboni out on display (mental note: blame Shitty).
Jack slips over to the closet, desperate for anything to cover himself before making a quiet exit. Menswear. Really nice brands, too. Whoever this is has money. Some Falconer's merch? Must be a fan or... shit, a teammate? This could be bad. Real bad. Jack snags a Falcs t-shirt and throws it on. Way too tight. Who on the team wears a Medium? One look at the pants and Jack immediately knew that a size 32 is not gonna do the job.
He tries the dresser next. Underwear. Socks. Underwear. More Underwear (why?!). Sweatpants! Good enough! Jack squeezes them on and makes his way to a stealthy escape.
A quick glance out the window says that's not an option. Eighth floor, and the fire escape is on the other... That's the Providence River, and this view looks almost exactly like the view back home..
Jack quietly unlatches the door. Stepping into the hallway, he could hear the sound of bacon and eggs sizzling on a pan. He would have to cross the kitchen to get to the front door, but staying low behind the half-wall might be enough to get out unnoticed. Luckily, Jack already knew the apartment's floor plan, somehow.
Crouched behind the wall, Jack scuddles his way towards the front door. The tenant of this fine establishment is currently preoccupied with preparing breakfast, humming along to some music and bravely frying bacon in just a pair of boxers. One more stride and Jack could be out of here without any witnesses.
Jack just about gets his hand on the doorknob when the sound of singing stops him cold. Slowly, Jack gets up off his knees, turns around, and glances into the kitchen to see if he could match a familiar voice to a familiar face.
"Kenny?"
Kent snaps around and let out a scream. The frying pan slams onto the floor, its contents scattering across the tile. Kent stares at the mess for a full moment before darting over to the counter.
"Shit shit shit." Kent reaches for the roll of paper towels and starts gathering the mess. Jack leans down and helps pile up some of the lost bacon. Jack's hand brushes up against Kent's, and Kent freezes stiff. The two look up from the floor and their eyes make contact.
"HOLY JESUS FUCK!" Kent shoots backwards against the kitchen wall. "JACK?!"
Jack's jaw hangs loose as he tries not to make any sudden movements that might turn the situation worse.
"Oh god oh god oh god." Kent covers his face with his hands as he struggles to take control of his breathing. "Fuck, Jordon's gonna have a field day with this one."
"Jordon?" Jack asks, tilting his head.
"Jordon's my... you know what, nevermind." Kent let out a sigh and looks up. "Jack, why are you here? How are you..." Kent reaches out and touches Jack with edge of his fingers. "How are you real?"
"Real? Kenn... Kent. What happened?"
"Jack," Kent squeezes his eyes shut, taking in a deep, shuttered breath.
"You died."
See this kid? This boy? Baby St. Martin? Yeah, I’m calling him Baby St. Martin. He needs love. He needs protection. He needs a lengthy bullet-fic detailing his young life and GUESS WHICH ONE OF THOSE HE’S GONNA GET RIGHT NOW?! BOOM!
So this boy is from a hockey family, we know that.
This means his dad puts him in a pair of skates as soon as he can stand
and he loves it.
This boy skates better than he can walk. A full blown natural. His papa is so proud.
So of course when he’s old enough, they try getting him into intro hockey
Got him in his tiny skates, and his tiny pads, and his tiny jersey. He’s skating around like he’s having the best time of his life cause he’s just like papa.
Then they hand him a hockey stick.
And he starts crying.
This boy doesn’t cry. He gets scared. He runs away. He hides from people. But he never cries.
But right now he’s deep in some inconsolable bawling.
Because maybe all those years of watching his papa on TV getting checked and punched, and all those years of seeing his papa come home with bruised ribs and a split lip may have left a pretty bad impression on this boy.
Hockey isn’t going to work.
And papa is a little disappointed, but papa won’t push. There’s plenty of ways for his son to enjoy the ice. It doesn’t have to be this one.
Family skate comes around, and Baby doesn’t feel like skating.
He’s just sitting on the bench with his dad.
Then he sees Bitty do a jump on the ice.
And he’s tugging on his papa’s shirt, pointing at Bitty dancing on the ice.
“That! Papa! I want that!”
It doesn’t take long before he’s enrolled in some simple figure skating classes.
And he likes it enough. It’s quieter. Less people around. He can practice by himself if he wanted.
He falls and hurts himself a few times, he doesn’t mind. It’s way better than other people hurting him.
So he likes it.
But maybe he doesn’t love it.
A year goes by. It’s family skate again.
He skates right up to Bitty and says “Can you show me a jump?”
Bitty shows him an Axel.
And then Baby tries it.
And he nails it. On his first try.
(Axels are hard, by the way.)
Baby doesn’t just need classes.
He needs a coach.
Bitty talks to Marty, and makes a phone call.
“Hello? uh, Prevyet Katya.”
“Eric! It is so good to hear from you. So are you ready to come back and win me a gold medal?”
“Katya, it’s been twelve years.”
“It is never too late, Eric. So how can Katya help you?”
“Are you taking in new students? I have someone here who is looking for a coach. He’s young, and a little shy, but he works hard.”
“Hmm… I am getting too old, but for you, I will make a consideration. Bring this skater to me and I will decide if I will coach him.”
So Bitty takes Baby down to Georgia for the summer.
He ends up living with the Bittles, of course
(Suzanne ADORES this child)
(Suzanne wants grandchildren like yesterday)
(Suzanne is not afraid to drop unsubtle hints about how much she wants grandchildren)
Baby St. Martin starts his trial session with Katya.
And he works hard.
Harder than God.
Harder than God and Jack Zimmermann combined.
Soviet Morning Calisthenics. 4-5 hours of on-ice training a day. Dance and Ballet in the evening.
For two grueling months, he did absolutely everything Katya asked of him.
And when they were done, Katya was ready to make her decision.
“I will not coach the boy,” Katya bluntly tells Bitty as they watch Baby try to land his first triple on the ice.
Bitty’s heart breaks. How could Bitty tell him the news? That he wasn’t good enough. That he didn’t work hard enough. That right here, right now, is where this dream dies.
“Katya, please, I don’t understand,” Bitty pleaded. "He’s talented. He works hard. He really wants to be a figure skater. Please, just give him another ch—“
Katya stamps her foot down. "I will not coach this boy… because he already has a coach.” She puts her hand on Bitty’s shoulder. "Eric, he does not want to skate like me. He wants to skate like you. You must coach him.“
So they make their way back to Providence.
And the lessons begin.