The poetry of your first day on this earth being your last day in reverse.
CW: death of a parent
People look at me and physically see a clone of my mother.
But so much of who I am inside is because of my dad.
My anxiousness. My thoroughness. My over-preparedness and need to plan - sometimes a hindrance in daily life, but very helpful in hobbying.
He instilled in me the drive to create the thing you want that doesn’t exist to your specifications, and the patience and determination to see a project through.
He taught me how to “live in the past,” as my mom would say. And until I was old enough to settle into my own sense of nostalgia, I fixated on his with him, idolizing the music of the 60s and 70s, forging our deep-rooted bond through song.
He provided a brilliant example of the satisfying aesthetic of a collector’s space. While I have my cozy Star Wars display closet, he had his immaculate Harley Davidson and automotive enthusiast garage. I’ve only just recently made the connection that my everyday Star Wars fashion choices mimics his closet full of gearhead t-shirts. My dad taught me how to be a super fan. Find the thing you love, and wear it. Surround yourself with it. Take trips revolving around it. And most importantly, associate with the people who share in your passion for it…
My dad showed me how to be a friend.
He laid the groundwork for the friendships I have here, because he was the one who showed me Star Wars before I was old enough to talk. He indirectly led me to this safe space - a major source of joy in five years of continuous hardships. And all the while, I was unaware this was something I learned from him as well.
With losing his own dad at a very young age, and with the financial worries that followed, my dad did not have the easiest life, and it’s been an immense emotional struggle to have witnessed it being cut short before he was able to do so many of the things he’d planned to do. But when I look back, I can also see the grand impact of the “small” victories and “little” pleasures.
I can seen the grand impact of the relationships he held.
Growing up, I hoped to be even a fraction as cool as my dad, with his impressive ability to engineer, awesome music, truck and motorbike, and stellar movie and tv selections. Older now, I see the more valuable side of who he was. I see the lives he touched. And more than ever, I want to be like him.
Yesterday, my mom, sister, and I hosted a brunch in memoriam of my dad. A true life celebration for our small family, and so many friends… his found family.
They came from miles around, and they came from decades past, all in accordance that he had left his mark on them. All unanimous in their big love for him, and how much they’re going to miss him.
So will I.
Some of my dad’s things I collected for a memorial table 🖤
I was in awe when I saw the Stairway to Heaven lyrics were on the insert for Zeppelin’s IV album.
I had already put together a playlist for the event, and this was the first song on it.
And I wanted to share that playlist with you. I was honored when my mom asked me to make it, knowing the genre/time period would not be her preference. She always strives to look ahead rather than look back like Dad and me.
Spotify
These are songs I felt fitting for the occasion. Songs he owned on vinyl. Songs played at the father/daughter dances at mine and my sister’s weddings. Songs housing lyrics once typed in texts, and hand-written in birthday cards. Songs he played in the truck before I was old enough to sing along.
Songs I have to listen to on my own now. Without him. But these songs will always keep me connected to him.
My dad always said Harley riders don’t dress up. So, we did no such thing 🧡
(If you spotted the Star Wars section on the table, the photo on top of TPM VHS is our family photo outside of the theatre for the 25th anniversary in 2024. That spring was within a rare couple of months where my dad was feeling well, and I feel so fortunate we were able to go see the movie all together again, just like we had in 1999 💫)
You know what I want more of? Non-sexual intimacy. In close moments between friends. The “I can’t do this alone”. The “I need help”. The wounds that need bandaged. The “I can’t change my clothes on my own”. The need for help with simple tasks for different reasons. Maybe a recent injury or disability means they don’t know how to shower yet and they need help.
I want that. Write me that. You say that they are as close as family so show me they are as close as family.
While I do like obikin never talking about whatever they have going on ever I also like the idea that Anakin confessed to Obi-Wan (in his very intense and unsettling way ofc 🫶 ) shortly before AOTC, got a rejection and a lecture of a lifetime, and that's why he is Like That in it. I love you master. you're the closest thing I have to a father. except not really but also kind of and isn't it fucked up that I'm in love with you and we both know it and have to live with it now. I'm going to go murder a village. fuck you.
I LOVE love love your art. Im sure u get this question a trillion times but how do u get that almost crunchy, artifact like texture in ur pieces? The visible mark-making on ur pieces adds a beautiful tactile feeling. I love that u take advantage of the digital medium and add unique effects that u wouldnt be able to achieve in a traditional way, while still keeping a reminder of the artists hand thru the marks. 🔥🔥🔥
thanks !! 😭😭😭 That’s not quite a common question!
Im using photoshop mostly: two square texture brushes one as my main brush and the other as a mixer brush. I also use a regular round brush with semi transparent settings.
The thing is I apply sharpness in certain areas even across the entire piece and then smudge it out with the mixer brush while leaving some harsh edges intact
I basically do the same thing in procreate although I use different brushes there. The end result is pretty much the same. Very rarely i might also add a rust texture to the background. Another thing I use in ph is applying an emboss layer style to simulate an oil painting effect
in real oil painting the same effect is achieved by smudging the paint with ur finger and using brushes variously stiffness!
Saw a TikTok that said imagine little Anakin writing his name like Ana-Kin to be the same as Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon and I’m actually not ok 😭😭😭😭
😭😭 this is so cute. and I feel like it such a typical kid thing lol where you decide you want to try going by some nickname or derivative of your name and you like, soft launch it by writing it on your paper at school nonchalantly lol
imagine anakin gets one of his assignments back and obi-wan finds it in their quarters with Ana-Kin Skywalker carefully written out and obi-wan is like 🤨
