baumom / jennifer jareau.
IT’S ALL BLURRY, she can hear things, but it’s all coming from a thousand miles away, maybe too far out of reach. she’s perhaps too weak to even try to open her eyes, she doesn’t want to open her eyes. her head and brain suddenly splits into two, she’s praying that it’s all a product of her imagination, just a really bad dream, a horrible and hideous nightmare that she simply can’t wake up from —— but at the same time, she can hear something, something that sounds so right, so soft and comforting ; the sound of his voice … but he’s gone, he’s completely gone. so unfairly taken away from her, away from this world. without a reason, other than being her everything. murdered in cold blood, the love of her life, the man she had once hoped to belong to, now nothing but a lifeless body.
but the voice insists, it calls her name over and over again, and she still doesn’t want to open her eyes, because it isn’t real ; it can’t be real. she heard it, she heard the gunshot. i’m here, i’m here. the voice that almost feels like the light at the end of the tunnel, and she’s scared to be disappointed. “ uh— i’m seeing things, ” it comes out as a chuckle, but it’s far from a joyous one. both of her blue eyes give in, and they start to open slowly, struggling, every bone in her body hurts, burns in pain. but as they open, she sees him clearly, maybe too clearly. no, he’s not here, her brain is playing games with her. “no, it was my fault … i’m sorry they did that to you, i should have stopped them, i sh— i should have, ” her words are shaky, almost not making any sense, because she’s still in her dream. but suddenly, she’s brought back to reality.
bones and skin, all flesh, he’s beside her. but how? the only thing that would explain it, a ghost? no, he’s too real. “ s— spence? ” her voice is a whisper, and even though the figure is blury, it’s not that hard to accept it. she blinks a few times, and there he is, hazel eyes exhausted and skin battered, dirt, blood and bruises. “ spence … oh my god, it’s you, ” she attempts to sit, and for once, all the burning pain in her limbs are ignored, because he’s still here. it’s so painful still, but she doesn’t care, he’s alive, and he’s with her. “ i— i thought i lost—— ” there’s a pause, and she’s shaking, trying to catch her breath, “ i thought i lost you,” and she sobs, both arms instantly finding their way around his neck, the tears heavier than any other set of tears she’d ever cried. foreheads touch, she can’t talk anymore, she can’t speak, just sob, cry uncontrollably.
she feared never telling him so many things, never telling him she loved him, among other things. but life was giving her a second chance. once they got out of here, she’d stop hiding. “ i— i have to give the the codes … that’s the only way, ” she sniffles, still not letting go of him, hands tugging at his shirt. “ i can trick them, i know a way, we can make it out of here, i promise, spence,” she whispers as close to his face as she could without drawing attention. “ do you trust me? ”
HIS BODY ACHES IN TIME WITH HIS MIND ; his heart hurts like a knife in his chest and he feels the weight of it crushing inside him, feels death staining his being like bruises on skin. his hands run a soft course through her hair, stop to rest against her cheeks like the blood frozen in his veins can do anything to warm hers, the coldness of her skin. her eyes struggle open and he feels the burn of tears in his own, feels sadness fill the hole in his stomach like water rushing a flow to sea. the fight is near drained from his body and he’s sure her beside him is all that keeps him holding on, all that keeps him steady in the storm ---------- steady as he can be, steady though he’s wavering, teetering on the edge. time has blurred at the edges and it’s all he can do to stay standing.
“ no, you’re not seeing things. you’re not. i’m here, “ he says it again, says it with a voice hoarse and soft and for her ears only, quiet in the room around them. his hands never leave her, like the weight of his touch is enough to convince her he’s real, he’s with her, he won’t leave her again. “ it’s not your fault. none of this is your fault, “ and his fingers smooth gentle over the cool softness of her skin, run down her arms and grip there, light but sure. anything, anything to make her believe. anything to wake her from the nightmare that clutches her soul. “ and i’m here. i promise you that i’m here, “ there’s a crack in his voice like something inside of him breaking, a mournfulness that holds him tight and doesn’t let go. pieces of him are shattered and scattered in the wind but he stays together and pretends to be whole. “ and i’m not leaving you again. “
he can see it, the snap back to reality, feels her arms finding their home around his neck, his own snaking around her waist, holding her close like he’ll never let go. his face buries into her shoulder first and there’s a warmth and a wetness on his cheeks that means he’s crying, there’s a sob in the air he thinks might have escaped his own lips, and as their foreheads press together a hand reaches to brush soft at the tears that run tracks down her tired features, an arm still keeping her steady and tight against him. for a moment, a second, the space of a breath, the world around him stops, the pain that wracks his body fades and all that matters is her against him, her breathing in his ears, her heartbeat against him. they’re alive ---------- they’re beaten and battered, bruised and bleeding, but they’re alive.
they’re alive, and he loves her, loves her so much he can feel it now pounding steady in his chest. he loves her and he knows now more than ever there is no hiding it anymore ---------- knows once they’re free from walls that contain them there won’t be any quieting it, the roar of it within him. “ of course, “ he says it and he does, more than anything ----- believes with all he is she means what she says. he nods, holds her close even still, eyes deep and hazel and watery on blue, ocean blue. tries to hold onto peace before chaos crashes around them again. “ of course i trust you. no matter what, i trust you. “
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