the other day my friend talked to me about how much they missed their ex. i dont miss my ex. i told them about how we made plans together. about how every plan for the future i made had you in it. and about how now when i make plans i still leave a you shaped hole in them. they asked if it was because i hoped we would meet again.
today i went for a run. it was too cold to leave in a running shirt so i went in a long sleeve shirt. the cold stung my legs. i took off my shirt when i started running because i had a singlet under. my arms felt naked but it did wonders for my mind. it brought me away from anything.
that was till i looked at the midnight sky. i saw two stars perfectly spaced to look like the glints in your eyes. i remembered the twinkle in your voice when you got passionate. i know if i dared to compare them i would find them nothing alike.
the sound of my breath brought me back till i was out in the cold again. i thought about how i barely remember you. i dont even remember your favourite animal. i dont know if you ever had a favourite colour. i remembered that message alana sent to me about how you took me leaving hard.
i know we had nicknames. the bread group. i dont remember where that came from. i remember you called me an asshole for forgetting something. i remembered being forgetful. but i lied. i remembered the exact spot i found that fucking toy on the road. i was scared to feel like i hadnt moved on.
you liked turtles. i remember us parading around picking up litter. i remember how good it felt to achieve something with you. i think you liked hayloft. we talked about dream smp. i remember how sad i felt when i decided that group wasnt good for me. i think i knew even then that that was the last time i would see you.
i owed you chicken and chips. i had a plan you know. i was going to wait till the very last day and invite you and tea to eat with me and buy you guys food. the canteen changed. so i never got around to it. i dodged computer club so hard. i would do anything to spend one more hour there.
last time i thought so hard about you was years ago. after you called me an asshole. i felt so relieved. isnt that strange. years after i left, i only felt relief when you explicitly insulted me. it was like i was waiting for comfirmation from you that it was the right choice. but i was an asshole. i left you with no explanation. i barely even had a reason.
i feel weird about why i left. we could never have a conversation without arguing. now i spend my time with my loved ones arguing with them because i love how it feels to be challenged. i felt like you didnt care for me when you hit me. but i think it was more like a dog. you put me in your jaws and shook to see what noises id make. i look back fondly on that.
My run comes to a turn which reminds me of where I used to walk my old dog. We talked recently. and you asked about him. he had passed years back. i didnt think about you when it happened till months later. i felt too scared of your reaction to tell you.
i stopped running before i got to the hill. your mum asked if i needed any help once when i was running up it. i saw you and i said no. i didn't but i realised i said that before i thought of what i was doing.
i realised a while back i dont get romantically interested in people. its strange because i remember previously being interested in you. i would lie under the stars and think about how i needed to talk to you. i dont remember if we did that. i can imagine how it wouldve gone. i wouldve sat there shaking in the cold pretending i was fine pretending like i didnt need to tell you how in love with you i was.
it really is weird to talk about it. i havent felt that way about anyone since. i feel very creepy because admitting i had a crush on you is insane for that 13 year old me to admit. and admitting that i havent been able to get crushes since is insane for 19 year old me.
ths longer i write the less i seem to have a point. i tried to write some jokes. knock knock. whos there. is it you? i hope so. but that isnt fair. i had my chance to talk to you and i didnt. i dont think if i got the chance i would anyway. i guess my thesis is that i cant imagine my life without you. but neither me nor you are the same now are we. that hole im leaving is a much smoother smaller version of you than you were, and im not sure if its even recognisable to you now. i hope you see this. i wont say goodbye because that means letting go.
i was reminded of you every time i wrote. you were in bennetts class. i really did feel just how much you loved writing. i saw your multimedia project. i dont even remember what it was but i think i cried. i didnt tell you.
you gave me a love for art i didnt have previously. you gave me a love for life. the gall to challenge every single thing presented to me. you gave me a curiosity for the world. you gave me the ability to love. i think i gave it away when i left. i hope this memory dies. either i make new ones or i let it all die right there. preferably id like to see you again. a more real you. not some fading amorphous blob that makes me think of you. one day i want to see you under the stars, not in them.
gummygunk
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