Be

I spit my mind out. she/her not very pure, but I’d like to be.

[beatriz-t]

I told the lady to set my drink name as Bea and I am happy. In real life, this is a nickname I enjoy.

[beatriz-t]

WHAT RHE FUCK WAS THAT

[beatriz-t]

Sorry for the many successive vents. I wanted to be creative and kind, like I consider myself creative and kind, not smart. I liked being smart but now with ENEM drawing near I realized the "grind grind grind" mindset is face to face with my "I was about to heal from my gifted kid burnout come onnn...." state. my self-esteem is, as expected, IN SHAMBLES. we're apparently the only rational animals and yet being kind and creative gets you nowhere. being smart is the top obligation while being kind is a miracle no one talks about anymore due to how bad the world is. idk if it's the capitalism or technology or the concept of teachers that has to be changed a bit or just a me-problem, but I don't like it. take it off. 134 IQ serves for nothing. why would I care about 134 and everyone else does and only about that. my friends say "Bebe, you're so smart!" nooooo:( I wanna be ur kind friend and creative friend and your friend that is earnest and a bit innocent but tries her best not what my teachers in childhood told me I was while I was being bullied for not fitting in despite my kindness and creativity so my whole self-esteem became around being smart and RIGHT WHEN I WAS HEALING, I go to high school. Everyone thinks being a gifted kid is about being sad over not getting special treatment but I'm TIRED and I have NO ONE who gets it.

[avonsdrabbles]

Had a thought about gifted kid things today.

It’s like when you speedrun through a game, but glitchless. You skip all the side quests, you just focus on the main plot line, and you get all this praise for it. “Look at you go! You’re so good at this, you’re so far ahead.” You’re told this is how you play the game.

So then you beat the game. You win! You’re one of the first ones to beat it. You talk about it with…

Nobody. Cause no one else has beat it. But. That’s okay, you were praised and loved, you did it right. You’ll just wait and…

The others finish the game, and talk about all these characters you don’t know. These plot lines you’ve never heard of.

And then the sequel comes out after you’ve been waiting for years, and years, and years, and you know you’ll be able to speed through again, to get that praise-

Only the sequel is about those plot lines you’ve never heard of — and all the mechanics are completely different.

You have so much anger, you shout, “I was never taught any of this! How can they expect me to play?”

And the callous, eye-rolling response is, “Maybe you should’ve played the game properly the first time. This is just like that one side quest. The game tried to push you that way, so why didn’t you play it the way you were supposed to?”

And you just stop playing games, because you thought you knew how… and now you don’t.

Anyways.

[m0thmancore]

yknow it really bothers me that 95% of conversations i've seen about gifted kid burnout are neurotypicals talking about "oh these kids are upset they don't get to feel special anymore"

as opposed to "yeah these kids have severe self-esteem issues because the only thing they were ever praised for as children was how smart they are and how quickly they learn and now they can't do things if they don't know how to do it immediately because they're terrified of failure because their love always felt so conditional on their performance even if it wasn't"

[beatriz-t]

someone tell this to my family. I tried to vent right now and they hopped right into the 95% when trying to “solve my issue.” good intentions, terrible execution, my self-esteem feels even worse.

[beatriz-t]

Opening up about not allowing myself to study as hard so as to not feel like I’m stupid and “need to study” even though that’s illogical was stupid by itself. Why the fuck did I tell this to my family I’m such an idiot of course they’d emphasize I’m so so smart and can study so hard and have so much potential it sounds so good but praise makes me fucking hate myself it was so easy I wanna rip myself apart why am I so stupid

[beatriz-t]

Thinking further about it, why do people make such dirty views of punks and hippies and other subcultures of lifestyle and resistance?

I see it in another light now that I’m not a child who is used to capitalism, and it’s so beautiful, isn’t it..?

[infectiouspiss]

can we kill the idea that yawning=bored because there's a million reasons to be yawning and being condescendingly asked "oh im sorry are we boring you?" because of something you can't control is really rude.

you're not boring me this is a side effect of my medication but thank you for deciding that my yawns are some sort of insult toward you and going on the offensive i loved it 👍

[beatriz-t]

I yawn in convo bc I’m tired often without energy and I struggle to keep up with social stuff but like ily/p keep going

[beatriz-t]

last wednesday, me and my mum went on a walk, which was really nice. last saturday, my ballet teacher spoke of having to help me put on the pointe shoes in front of everyone, which wasn’t really nice, and I’m now a bit ashamed.

today, I’m getting ready for my first appointment with my neurologist in YEARS ever since I got diagnosed with autism!! I’m nervous, honestly… wish me good luck if u can!! :]

[glowcowboy]

without arts & crafts we are in hell

[beatriz-t]

mum was nervous for a meeting today and impulsively said my hair the way I wanted to put it would be weird and ugly but I was insisting (becuz I wanted to look cute for my first day of class in a new school) and so she put it anyway. I loved it and more than one person complimented my hair. sometimes, things aren’t ugly :)

[beatriz-t]

this blog is the incredible dichotomy between “I love my family so much <3” and “THEY’RE DRIVING ME FUCKING CRAZY RRHHJJUDJRHHRRHHHGGHH”

[beatriz-t]

I wanted to search for “really charming tatooed women” in my native tongue. Instead of writing “tatuadas,” I made a grammar mistake and wrote “tatoadas.” And instead of correcting to tatuadas, Google corrected to… taradas. Which means perverted😭😭😭😭😭 and I now have “very charming perverted women” in my google browsing history by accident…. and my old school WON’T LET ME TAKE IT OUT….. fuck fuck fuck I fucking hate myself 😭😭😭😭😭😭

[beatriz-t]

“normalize drawing your oshis with the same problems as you!” except Haruka having a fuckass sensory overload might actually be very realistic unfortunately

[beatriz-t]

I’m so scared of gen AI. I’m so scared. I can’t trust anything anymore I’m so scared

[beatriz-t]

I want my love to look like this.

[starlit-beetle]

lying in bed with a girl (i’m a girl) very little space between us holding hands in between us giggling and crying and telling secrets and getting embarrassed and telling each other our flaws but deciding that’s okay, that’s okay. this is what trust is to me