Hi.
Its been a few years now since i have posted on tumblr but its got to the stage were i have decided i would fully share my story on living with depression and anxiety.
My names Rebecca and i have been living with depression and anxiety for 10 years now, that’s a lot for a 21 year old to have been dealing with mostly on her own,
These pictures are of me drunk and fighting my battle alone and in silence. the very first picture is me right now, as happy as i can be fighting my fight and the last picture is my tattoo to remind me that i can fight my demons and win and nothing can drag me down.
This is not a classic Cinderella story with a wicked stepmother, prince charming and happily ever after. This is my life....
At the age of 5 i learned that my parents were not my parents and for quite some time that took a wile to sink in, My baby sister came along in 2000 and that’s when it hit, (she was adopted too). My lovely, beautiful, caring baby sister got letters and pictures and presents every Birthday, Christmas, Easter, you name a Hoilday she got a present, I never.
At the age of 9 i was bullied for my looks, for being different, for my family not being my family. I was bullied for being me. This is where it all began....
At the age of 11 and in to my high school years i had finally met some friends, people who accepted me, people who wanted to know me and that was such a loving feeling. It did not last long. Being from a small town stories spread and here i was once again the girl who’s parents did not want her. How at 11 can you feel so lost, scared and alone, no child should ever feel that!
By the time i was 13 i had a few close friends who loved me for me, who understood me and others who just were not good for me in anyway. At 13 lonely and sad i was drinking and smoking. My cousin Stephen had also been battling with cancer for two years. In march Stephen passed away, he passed away so peacefully, his pain was over and mine got worse. On the 31st of march i said goodbye to a loving beautiful soul, my angel was set free. On April 10th i made my first cut and here i am 8 years later still fighting the same battle.
That same year on the way to school i told my mother about how i was feeling, about how i needed help, she told me that “i would be fine and nothing to do with mental health would ever go on her daughters medical record”. The one person i needed the most did not care, so why would anyone else. I suffered in silence.
A few years past and i got worse. I was self harming every day, splurging, drinking and smoking. I kept myself to myself. My best friends were my loving diary Billie Jo and Green day. In 2009 i attempted my first suicide. I woke up the next day and life went on, it was like nothing had ever happened.
My life for so many years has been a big black shadow. It is like there is two of you. A constant reminder that your not alone and not in a good way. Always someone putting you down, reminding you that you cant do things, you cant be happy, how dare you smile when you have done so wrong.who would love you, even your parents did not want you. That is my daily battle.
I have attempted suicide twice since then, my angel was looking over me and i am so happy he was because i have a beautiful baby girl who loves me and who i love, she saved my life but my battle still continues.
The most loving caring man i have ever met was able to show me that its ok to get help, he saw through what no one else could, he saw me broken. In 2014 i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and have been taking medication. Some days are worse than others, some days have hope. Living with depression is one hard ass fight, but you can do it.
Today i can sit and say i have been self harm free for 5 months and i am so proud, my loving daughter and my best friend who is also my pain in the ass help me stay strong and get through daily. I love them. My relationship with my mother is no better and she still does not no that i have depression and she never will.
Living with my shadow can be daunting, scary and painful but because of my beautiful baby and him i am never alone, I am me and i am proud. This is my fight and i will keep fighting, i will win and you can too.
If you need help with depression or anxiety do not be scared or ashamed, talk to someone, anyone, do not fight in silence, speak up and be heard. Its one hard ass battle that you can overcome and win. Hold that beautiful head high.
Later DollFace xx
