When does it end, when does the hurt stop, when am I finally free? I see a piece of you in everything, in a movie we watched or a place we kissed, in someone who dresses like you. I didn’t know that it would end this way.
I need you like I need sleep: against my fucking will, I hate you but I want you more than I’ve ever wanted. I see you in every set of blue eyes and the way you looked breathless every time I close mine. This isn’t right, it never has been but having you wasn’t either, and I didn’t know. I don’t know if you took so much of my innocence that I can’t tell what’s right or wrong or if I’m just still not over you.
But I am, I know me and I don’t cry when I look at a sunset anymore. I’m happy again, but I can’t listen to that playlist or read that diary I started when we did. Every time I close my eyes, wishing for sleep I see a movie composed entirely of you, your eyes, your lips, you teeth and your tongue, the way your body rolled and that delicious look on your face that I wish I didn’t know. How am I to live without knowing what you taste like? How would I if I did? I don’t know what will happen, or even what I want to happen, but I crave you, I burn for you, you are missing from me and it all feels so wrong. I swore I’d never give you, or anyone, the power to make me feel like that but hypocrisy finds us all in weakness.
I remember the ache, the pain, the hurt, the countless nights I cried alone in my room, the fights, that text you sent me that broke me like glass. And most of all, I remember the walk to your car, I didn’t know, the sun was shining and my skin was cold, I still loved you and that’s all I cared about. We got in, and I didn’t know. you started, you asked me to promise I wouldn’t be mad at you, and didn’t continue until I did. I had a feeling, but I didn’t know, the air didn’t come as easy and my heart seemed to slow, my face burned with fear when you started talking, and when I asked what it meant and you said we should break up it was like a pebble lodged in the hole of a great dam. I knew the crash would come but I didn’t care because you were shaking, you were frail and your voice broke, I had never seen someone so ruthlessly strong look so small and broken. I enveloped your hands in mine as you spoke and the funny thing is that I think that gave you the strength to finish. I knew the way your voice grew in strength when I reached out. In that moment my cold hands didn’t matter, and the only thing I knew was kindness, I just wanted you to feel better. But I hated you for giving us so little time to talk, giving an empty promise that we never fulfilled to continue it later when I asked. When I caught your eyes I didn’t miss the view of a boy scared out of his fucking mind who had no idea what he was doing: I hadn’t seen him in a very long time.
An hour later I was sobbing so hard I couldn’t breathe, I thought, or rather hope, that I was going to choke on my own sorrow and not have to live another day without you. But it’s not like you were even there before, so it didn’t matter, did it? I finally had freedom to let go, though. Every day since, the lights brighter; the colors prettier; the sunsets more mesmerizing than ever; the food more flavorful; the pain a little smaller, i didn’t know I could feel like this.
It’s been months, and I’m happy, I don’t need you and I refuse to ever need you again, but I crave your touch like a drug. I close my eyes and I see all the things we never got to do, your hands on my body, tongue in my mouth, the way your lips part, the muscles of your arms working, the way your face might screw up, it’s all I see. It haunts me at night, I want nothing else from you, but if I could have one last moment of us together I would take it, regardless of consequences. Other people have grabbed my interest, but none of them compare to the way I want you. And I hate you for it; you’re a stranger now. And God, some times I can’t tell if I’m glad or if I wish I didn’t fucking know.
