Blurbs

Writing is my therapy

[timothys-blurbs]

I'm Goldilocks

Searching for the right thing

What it is, I'm unsure

Nothing's just right

It's too much

It's too little

I search for perfect when perfect doesn't exist; the need to search is bound in the marrow of my bones.

Goldilocks set me on this path of hope that I may find the branches of just right, where I can lie beneath the canopy and never leave.

[timothys-blurbs]

The silence hurts

I know you don't mean it to

You can't possibly know that I run when I hear a notification (that I think it's you)

You can't possibly know that I'd look for you before I stepped into the box

I hoped to meet your exhausted smile in the crowd and know that you're watching, to know that you remember I exist

Keeping silent hurts too

My fear, the glue that bubbles in my sternum

Sticking to my teeth like peanut butter

I don't want the pain that accompany my words

I'd rather stay in the chains of my silence than the abyss of voices

I ventured into that abyss once-

I drowned

I screamed my throat raw

I begged to be heard

The abyss is tar that suffocated my hope

I ventured into that abyss once - never again.

[timothys-blurbs]

He crossed out powerless

So cold

And strange in all the was found close to "if"

[timothys-blurbs]

She was disconnected

Her mind didn't hurt anymore

Was that it?

Nothing mattered, she thought–

Just her sacrifice

[timothys-blurbs]

Let us pretend

Let's pretend that I never knew you or what could break you

Let's pretend that we were perfect strangers– ordinary in every way

That we don't exist in the other's life

Except, I don't want to erase your presence

I don't want to forget the part of me that left with you; I want to mourn my past and celebrate my future

I'm okay not to get that piece back from you, it was a gift

I'm not going to forget you

I'm not going back to you

I'm not going to stop loving you

We'll never be perfect strangers, and we'll never have the relationship again

I'm okay with that

[timothys-blurbs]

When I have hard days, it seems impossible to look into the mirror-

When I prove it wrong, I see a person I'm told to hate, to love, to belittle, to lift up-

Mixed signals are sent, yet all I can see is the only being that will be with me until my death.

When we fight, it cuts my muscles and my bones, burns worse than fire, because I am the one person I cannot ignore.

We are told to have respect and are taught to do the opposite-

Any relationship takes work-

The one you have with yourself is the hardest and long lasting relationship to feed.

[timothys-blurbs]

I don't know what to call this feeling if teetering on the brink. I'm standing on a rickety bridge between contentment and being hollow.

I'm happy, I know I am, yet I can't seem to be convinced of this for long.

Joy falls through a sieve, squeezing only the smallest amount.

I complain about life having nothing to offer, yet I can't imagine it another way.

I whinge when life throws a curveball, throwing me off my rickety bridge into the abyss, yet I crave the climb.

Battling emotion drained me too much for much else, producing a tsunami of grief, regret, and pain.

Maybe it's time I took a hammer to the bridge, connecting more than two islands I have been struck upon.

Maybe it's time to accept the brink and allow myself to teeter, building balance, growing my small world.

[timothys-blurbs]

I wish that I could stop the hits that I block for others, that I could pull out the shrapnel, throw it on the ground, and walk away from the person disregarding me bleeding out.

I hope to bring a shield with me in the future so that I may help my loved ones without tearing apart my own flesh - that we may be safe from the onslaught. I hope to recognize when a person is worth shielding.

I damn myself for the responses engraved in my soul, I hear the shot of a gun and duck rather than run.

I forgive myself for the past I can not change, for prioritizing someone who won't give me the same consideration.

[timothys-blurbs]

The glass shines light on anything, but the dark eyes follow my movements. She doesn't reach out - her presence is enough. Paled hands lay limp at her side, never so much as a twitch, yet I expect it.

I expect her to trap my wrist in between her hands in an iron grip, refusing to let go. Dragging me in with her, making me face reality from a confined prison.

I turn off the lights, and she disappears; I live my life in darkness for fear of the moment she breaks.

[timothys-blurbs]

Your smile was dazzling, my home for the past 10 years.

Your words hug me and make me feel like I'd never be alone again; I wake up.

Cold seeps into my chest as the memories come flooding in; you're not my home anymore -

Maybe you never were.

[timothys-blurbs]

Breathe -

Constant change

Grips my lungs, crushing them;

I’m begging for a breath.

[timothys-blurbs]

Just a Moment -

A moment so beautiful-

I wish I could hold

It there forever.

[timothys-blurbs]

Where Did It Go? -

Sand falls too fast

I hold out my hands to catch

For it to slip through my fingers

[timothys-blurbs]

Deprived -

Seven days a week,

Twenty-four hours in a day,

Yet there is no time.

[timothys-blurbs]

"Fighting the Tide"

Grandma gripped my hands in between hers, crushing the bones, as she pleaded:

“I just want to die, I’m tired of living.”

By Christmas, Grandma’s mind was slipping. She would be giddy one moment, and the next she would be sobbing and begging for death. Words caught in my throat, I was unable to say anything. When those eyes that remind me so much of my dad stared into mine, I could feel my heart break. I felt selfish. While she pleaded and prayed for less time, I hoped that she would have more- Time doesn’t flow the way we wish.

I was drowning against the tide of time.

[timothys-blurbs]

'I'm sorry'

The phrase haunts, following like a wandering spirit.

"I'm sorry miss, I didn't see you there." A small lady with kind eyes was supporting her weight on a cane and yet seemed to walk taller than the other patrons. I give a small smile and nod in acknowledgment, turning back to the glass case in front of me, lifeless eyes following my movements.

'I'm sorry. I apologize. Please excuse me.' It feels like all I breathe some days. I deposit my groceries onto the counter; quarter to 6, I should have enough time to finish before she gets home. My hand curls around the handle of a large knife, it's blade gliding through the fish.

I hesitate to unfurl my fingers from the blade.

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,' It circles my head, there is no escape and my mouth goes numb from the rolling words. I bite down on my tongue and relish in the metallic taste of blood, I imagine her coming home to trails of red on the floor, the walls, her food!

It fills me with a sick sense of joy; she would never get to hear me utter those filthy words again. Words she never appreciated!

I touched the blade to my lips, the cold metal sending a shiver down my spine. I pull away to grip my tongue below it; never again will those two words haunt me.

[timothys-blurbs]

"Happy?" My reflection taunts me. It's gaunt face and soulless eyes stare through me, as if I was invisible.

"I wish," I look down at the large pill in the palm of my hand, it was beckoning to me.

Fleeing my brain in a panic, there was no rationality to my next decision- I stuffed the pill down my throat and swallowed before regret came crashing in.

It was one pill, no harm, no foul; I needed it to stop me from making worse decisions, right?

I lay on my duvet, arm over my eyes as I wait. It'll kick in soon, I promise myself.