I feel this excruciating pain on the inside. I hate it because I feel like I should not feel like this, I should be happy with this life. It is more than most people have. But I hate this life, I hate myself, I hate the things I didn't do because I am scared to be alone, I hate me as a friend, as a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a colleague. I hate that my brains won't shut the fuck up when I try to have fun, when I try to do better. I will never fit in, be good enough. Especially not good enough for me. I tried so so hard to accept myself in the past years, but this mental health journey has only caused me to despise myself even more. I desire life, I want to feel free and loved and confident. But this is not life. This is nowhere near life. And life is completely out of reach.















