sleep is stolen time. don't let them take it from you anymore. tonight. we are staying up. til one billion o clock.
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sleep is stolen time. don't let them take it from you anymore. tonight. we are staying up. til one billion o clock.
“don’t be silly” um i think i will be silly thanks
the part of adulthood that no one ever warns you about is the amount of surfaces you need to acquire to put your things and trinkets on
bro you are acting unbeautifully towards me
I am in a really weird point in my life if U can't tell
Why did 4 months of this year go by in like a week
Where am I
dont worry everyone i will save us all at some point
its so scary making plans with new friends. what if i suggest something stupid and we have a terrible time and they find out im a fraud and not a real human being
I don’t want to answer emails I want to make breakfast in a sunny kitchen with the radio playing and drink coffee in the sun
accidentally got stuck in a compulsive thought loop instead of living any sort of life
Cw vent
Having feelings that idk where to put so here they go
They’ve gone on holiday today, it’s also mums anniversary soon so I started trying to do a picture from the wedding on my iPad and I think the combo has stirred some stuff up
Things have been ok for a while - parts in the background knew not to trust her and give my whole self to her but she was up for helping with the moving and being closer by might’ve changed things up a bit. We were chatting slightly more, I’ve been updating her on silks etc
But that’s not what happened, and now the other parts are remembering why I kept my distance in the first place
She’s selfish and lost and it makes her dangerous. Now she’s got her little life it’s validated her choices and her viewpoints. Fuck me, I’m wrong
I don’t know how to put into words what I feel.
The sadness at realising what was going on. The smallness. Feeling alone and lost and scared and overwhelmed. Then the anger. The betrayal, feeling foolish for trying to come along and enjoy myself. Feeling foolish for trusting her. Then the challenge. If she’s gonna do it let’s go, let’s see how far she wants to take it. How much does she really want this? Let’s give her a reality check of what’s happening here and she can decide - her child or some random fucking guy.
Guess what she chose?
Then the numbness. The sinking. The fear again. I didn’t want to be doing this but it didn’t feel like I had much of a choice. Demand Togo home and cause a scene? Pretend I didn’t know what was happening and feel small and scared all night? Or give her the choice and descend into self destruct oblivion mode?
She fucking chose wrong. And somehow it was still my fault. Somehow it was my shame to carry? I embarrassed her and made things weird? And we never talked about it. We pretended nothing happened and I was just the moody bitch ruining the day as per usual.
So I left. After that day I sat with myself and told myself I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t want to live like this. That one way or another it would get me killed or worse.
So I changed and eventually I left.
At some point, when I had enough distance and my own life built up, maybe we’d revisit it and I’d tell her some of this
But then covid happened. Then everything else
I’ve been at the mercy of everything for years, never getting a chance to stand my ground stable and knowing. And now it’s been 6 years
Something changed. Something shifted. And she had all that time to come to her own conclusion. All that time to decide what my actions meant, and what her actions meant. Then she went back to distracting herself.
I had an opportunity, but I chose to protect her. It would have been messy but I chose to not bother her with it while she was alone, while she had no distraction. And I’ll never have that opportunity again. I’ll never know how it would have turned out
So here we are
Things aren’t as bad as they were for me. But I refuse todo this dance with her.
It feels like a knife to the gut to have gone through all of this, made some of the biggest choices of my life, to feel a new determination, a want to live in a way I never had before. AND I WAS FUCKING DOING IT. To have it all ripped away and scattered to the wind before I had a chance. To be so unwell, so scared, so alone, so out of control
Then she wants to act like none of it fucking happened. That it’s a choice I made for myself and life goes on
Fuck you
Cw venting idk (unfinished)
I died a long time ago
My corpse has been dragged around since
Instead of saying goodbyes
Releasing me back to the earth
Peace
I have been par
Keeping a dead thing doesnt make it alive again
I am dragged through the streets
Propped up, painted
Covered in flowers to hide the stench
Please
For the love of god
Lay me to rest
Remember this time 5 years ago
When we decided we deserved better
That we wanted to be alive and take care of ourself and find people who cared about us
Look how that’s turned out
We have our partner but everything else has been a complete shit show
Pandemic that’s left us isolated and jaded with no end in sight, homelessness, sickness, hospitalisation
I think I trust people less now than I ever had
I’m more disappointed now than I’ve ever been
It hurts more than it ever has
And it feels never ending
What’s the point
We wanted to be sober and take care of our body and be soft and kind and caring and it all got thrown back in our face
I’m tired
If I’ve got to be here I don’t want to do it like this any more
- Max? Idfk
Art by Erin Hanson
It’s a week away
Am I okay or am I dissociated from it?
I’m tired of feeling so lost
Neither romantic nor sexual nor platonic but a secret fourth thing (bonded like stray cats who cannot be adopted separately)