Having feelings that idk where to put so here they go
They’ve gone on holiday today, it’s also mums anniversary soon so I started trying to do a picture from the wedding on my iPad and I think the combo has stirred some stuff up
Things have been ok for a while - parts in the background knew not to trust her and give my whole self to her but she was up for helping with the moving and being closer by might’ve changed things up a bit. We were chatting slightly more, I’ve been updating her on silks etc
But that’s not what happened, and now the other parts are remembering why I kept my distance in the first place
She’s selfish and lost and it makes her dangerous. Now she’s got her little life it’s validated her choices and her viewpoints. Fuck me, I’m wrong
I don’t know how to put into words what I feel.
The sadness at realising what was going on. The smallness. Feeling alone and lost and scared and overwhelmed. Then the anger. The betrayal, feeling foolish for trying to come along and enjoy myself. Feeling foolish for trusting her. Then the challenge. If she’s gonna do it let’s go, let’s see how far she wants to take it. How much does she really want this? Let’s give her a reality check of what’s happening here and she can decide - her child or some random fucking guy.
Then the numbness. The sinking. The fear again. I didn’t want to be doing this but it didn’t feel like I had much of a choice. Demand Togo home and cause a scene? Pretend I didn’t know what was happening and feel small and scared all night? Or give her the choice and descend into self destruct oblivion mode?
She fucking chose wrong. And somehow it was still my fault. Somehow it was my shame to carry? I embarrassed her and made things weird? And we never talked about it. We pretended nothing happened and I was just the moody bitch ruining the day as per usual.
So I left. After that day I sat with myself and told myself I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t want to live like this. That one way or another it would get me killed or worse.
So I changed and eventually I left.
At some point, when I had enough distance and my own life built up, maybe we’d revisit it and I’d tell her some of this
But then covid happened. Then everything else
I’ve been at the mercy of everything for years, never getting a chance to stand my ground stable and knowing. And now it’s been 6 years
Something changed. Something shifted. And she had all that time to come to her own conclusion. All that time to decide what my actions meant, and what her actions meant. Then she went back to distracting herself.
I had an opportunity, but I chose to protect her. It would have been messy but I chose to not bother her with it while she was alone, while she had no distraction. And I’ll never have that opportunity again. I’ll never know how it would have turned out
Things aren’t as bad as they were for me. But I refuse todo this dance with her.
It feels like a knife to the gut to have gone through all of this, made some of the biggest choices of my life, to feel a new determination, a want to live in a way I never had before. AND I WAS FUCKING DOING IT. To have it all ripped away and scattered to the wind before I had a chance. To be so unwell, so scared, so alone, so out of control
Then she wants to act like none of it fucking happened. That it’s a choice I made for myself and life goes on
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